Medication Isn't Helping

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Registered: 04-24-2003
Medication Isn't Helping
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Thu, 08-11-2005 - 12:52am

It has been a long time since I have posted on here, and I hate to have to come back but I need too right now. I had a hard time with depression the past 5 years, making it hard to function like I should. I have had thoughts of hurting myself as well as my daughter. It got to the point that the thoughts would control me so much that I had too question whether I really did do something to my daughter, or was my mind making me think I did. It was then that I finally broke down and got some professional help. They put me on paxil, and sent me to counseling. I went to counseling for awhile, but soon stopped because I was getting depressed about how much it was costing for me too go. (we didn't have money for food at the time, so to me it made more sense to eat than to go to counseling). I think my husband also kind've convinced me that I didn't really need it. My counselor told me that I was manic depressive, Bio-polar, and had anger management issues besides my depression. My husband doesn't believe that, he thinks that counselors say stuff like that to make you feel like you have to keep going back and giving them money.

I haven't gone to a counselor for a year now, but have stayed on paxil. I am now 7 1/2 months pregnant. I have been depressed most of this pregnancy, to the point that I almost want to take my life while pregnant so I don't have to bring this baby into this world. So she doesn't have to have me as her mom. I feel like I let my daughter I do have right now down more times than I do anything good for her. You See I work at home and have to pretty much ignore her while I am working, because my work needs me to stay at my computer and not get up and down a lot while working.

Another thing that is making it hard for me with my depression right now, is that there has not been any stability in my life for that past two months. I have been staying at my parents house more nights than I have been able to stay at my own home. It has gotten to the point that when I am home, I don't feel like I am home. It has been so crazy that I haven't gone to the doctors in the past 2 months!! I just got a call from my doctors office calling to see if everything was ok, and if I was still pregnant. I am not sure why, but that REALLY depressed me. The idea that they thought I had already lost this one, really set me for a loop today. Maybe partly because I wish it was true, I don't know. The lady who called me addressed her concerns to me about how she was worried about getting me into the doctor as soon as I can find a way there, but that is the depressing thing. I don't have a way there!

That is another thing that really sets my depression off, finances. I am the one in our marriage that does the finances, and so when things get tight I seem to loose it. I have a real hard time staying focused on them when I am depressed, and consequently I take the attitude of "I don't want to deal with them!! They just make me depressed!" My husband doesn't deal with them either, even when I have been so depressed that I have asked him directly to take over the finances, he still doesn't do them. So then when I finally get back into trying to do them, they are a MESS! Tons of late payments that I might've been able to avoid, and so I get more depressed. I am not sure how I can help my husband understand how much I need him to help me out with the bills. He is a wonderful husband, but when it comes to the bills I feel like I am his mom. And I hate that.

I am not trying to do wow is poor pitiful me, but I just really needed to vent. I guess also to have someone tell me that I am justified in feeling depressed, but that everything will be ok. I know I need to go back to counseling, but I really can't right now. I mean REALLY I can't. We have so many debt collectors calling our house that I am having to ignore the phone now a days.

Why can't I be happy? Like I use to be? I think the last time I can truly say I was happy (for longer than a few months) was when I was in highschool which has been about 5 years. Thats when my depresion really started. My parents always told me that it was all in my head and that I was just making too big of a deal with things, and would not give me the help I needed, because they didn't have the money was what they told me. They also said that they could try and figure out a way to pay for a counselor, if I REALLY felt I needed help but made sure I understood what sacrificies they and the rest of the family would have to take in order for me to go. And so I didn't go, because I cared about them, I didn't care about me. They ended up taking my sister to get help for some mental problems she was going threw about the same time, but not me. Let me think, did that help my depression? I think not.

My brothers know I am taking paxil, and make fun of me because of it. They call them my crazy pills. And don't seem to truly understand why I am taking them. I know that I need to take them in order to live, because there have been so many times I have been so intrigued by death and how it would feel, that I am suprised I am still around now.

Tonights feelings of killing myself haven't been as drastic as on other occasions, but my husband is at work and will be there until 1 am. My daughter has been throwing fits ALL day long, and my urges to beat the crap out of her have been very strong. She has now cried herself to sleep, and I think about how nice it will be to take a nice bubble bath and relax by candle light and relax. Then the thoughts come to my mind of how easy it would be to just sink slowly under the water and drown myself. Quietly and peacefully.

I want my life back, I want to be me again! I want to feel like I make other people happy, because I really did back in the day. My friends always came to me to get happy or hyped up at dances or parties. because I was really the life of the party. Now a days people seem to avoid me, and I would too if I were them.

Sorry this is so long, I just get carried away with my thinking. And even though it may not seem like it I think I am a little better than I was when I started. Still a little teary eyed but a little better. I am now going to go take my bath, but I promise I will not do anything drastic. I just keep reminding myself that my husband needs me to do the bills. He can take my place with the housework, yard work, taking care of our daughter, etc. but he can not do the bills. It actually kind've makes me laugh that thats what is holding me on right now, but it is. And that is all I need, is just one thing then more will follow.

Suecase82

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 11:17am

Hi Sue and welcome back to the board--although I'm sorry it is under such difficult circumstances!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 11:18am

I don't have any words of wisdom. But I wanted to let you know that I'm "listening". Sending positive thoughts your way.


Amanda

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 8:27pm

Lori,

Thank you for responding, I know you have helped me out so much in the past, and what you said is helping now. You know exactly what to say, and your not afraid to say things the way they are.

You are right, that I need to be giving my daughter a lot more love and support threw these hard times. Cause I know that when I am unhappy like this, she feels that and is unhappy as well. (which is partly why she has been so grouchy lately, and her being grouchy makes me more frustrated at her, but I really should be upset at myself for getting her grouchy in the first place!). Its not her fault that I feel the way I feel, and I am thankful that you reminded me of that.

Yesterday was another depressing day for me, but I got threw it just fine. Lost a lot of water from crying so much, but was good when I was able to vent all my frustrations to my husband. This is more info then you probably want, but I have been using this opportunity to get closer to my husband. They say that having sex can be very theraputic to get frustrations out, and so I tried it the night I posted this email and then last night as well. And I think it helps, it has also been helping me get closer to my husband because I am more involved then I normally am.

Today has been a good day, nothing upset me like things have the past few days. I did look into how much my insurance will cover for counseling and they pay 50% after my $600 deductable. Cause the more and more I think about it, the more and more I think I probably should find some way to get me back into counseling. So I will try and find a way even though my insurance won't help out like I was hoping it would. If nothing else maybe I could go to my parents for some help paying for the visits. They have finally recognized that I have a problem, and honest to goodness problem that isn't just in my head and something to get over. It was nice to know that they aren't feeling like I am just doing this for attention, because by all means this isn't the attention I want for myself no way!

Thanks for letting me vent about everything, its nice to know someone is out there to listen. Cause like I said sometimes it is easier to open up a little more to someone you don't know (on a message board any ways) rather than with someone you know.

Alisha

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 9:48pm

Hey Alisha,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 2:03pm

Yes I know that my daughter needs more love, just like I have been needing it from my husband. There have been a lot of changes in our lives lately, and I am not the only one having a hard time adjusting to them. I have just been looking at her reactions to everything as her being a brat or something. When in reality, she is just frustrated with what has been going on. It is amazing how obvious that should be to me, but it isn't until you say something that it really rings true, or do I notice some of the little things I need to focus on or not focus on.

I have had quite a few good days in a row lately, I haven't uped my dosage just yet, but it seems like I am starting to balance out a little more. I am still going to look at uping my dosage due to the fact that I still am having bad times (like today), and don't want to risk a out brake of rage. What scares me is the fact that my mom has been worked that I am going to end up in the hospital with a nervous brake down! She says that the way I have been acting the past month and a half (I have been staying with them quite a bit lately because they live close to my work and I have had to go to work for training) is just how some people she knew acted before they had a nervous brake down and ended up in the hospital. I think in my mind that "I'm not that bad!" but then I look at who is telling me this. My mom has known about my depression for may years and has always been telling me that I am making too big of a deal about it, that I don't need to be on medicine, I don't need counseling I just need to look to our religion and everything will be ok. So I realize that since she has changed her opinion so drastically I should realize I have a bigger problem than I think I have.

Thanks again

Alisha

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 2:59pm

Glad to hear about the good days!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 9:06pm

Lori,

I have been doing so good, like I said, by staying in control of my emotions. But today is not one of those days. I was going over finances, which are REALLY SCARY & DEPRESSING. We are 2 monts behind on our mortgage, late on every bill possible, some have gone to collections and others are threatening too. I got a little blue, but was keeping it to a minimum (I felt like I was reacting the way most people would with bad finances, frustrated, sad, not sure what to do, but knew that some how things will sort themselves out because they always do, its just a matter of time) I think I was also able to keep so calm about our finances was because I know that with the insurance that my husband has threw his work we will be getting $5,500. That money would be ours to do what ever with, it doesn't have to go to the medical bills. And since I have maturnity insurance with my work we won't have to put that much towards the medical bills. So we will be able to pay off the 3 credit cards we have. And once we got those out of the way we would be able to qualify for a loan to consolidate some of our other debts which are smaller. We don't have as much debt as some people do but our problem is that we have it spread out in TONS of different places and so it is hard to always pay the minimums.

Well as I was going threw the finances I called to ask more questions about my husbands insurance (his isurance is actually two plans in one) and how it was all going to work, just to make sure that everything was ok. The first plan I called on, the lady told me that the insurance was canceled, due to lake of payment and that if I was to reinstate it now I would have to wait another 10 months before I would be qualified to have the coverage.

I started bawling right there and then and was whinning to her about how things just have been really tough lately on me (with the depression and everything) and I have had a hard time getting bills taken care of like I should, and my husband doesn't seem to help me when I need him too. I was literally begging her for away around it, because we needed the $2900 that the plan would offer us. But she said that it was not possible.

I then cryed uncontrolably for a good half an hour. Frustrated now about finances, how are we going to make it now!? I am due in 2 months and will need to take time off from work and we can hardly make it now with me working, let alone me taking some time off. I then started getting upset that I was even pregnant in the first place, saying stuff like "I don't want her any more!!! I don't want to be dealing with a baby while I am dealing with this depression. How can I do this?"

Then I noticed that on one of the bills I had for this plan it stated that if I wanted to re-instate I needed to pay the past due amount. I then called back and the lady I talked to said that if I paid the past due amount and re-instated the policy I would be covered as long as I don't have this baby before Sept 24th. She had no idea why the other lady was telling me that there was no way I would be covered. I was SOOOO relieved to hear that that I could've hugged and kissed the customer service rep. But altough I was so happy to hear that, my emotions were still a reck. And was emotional for a few more hours (not crying but definantly not happy)

Then I decided to call on the 2nd policy to find out what was going on with it, because for some reason I noticed that it was listed under accident insurance. Come to find out, that was all it was!!!! My husband had requested for their hosital ademnaty plan, but for some reason they gave us accident insurance instead!!!! So the other $2900 we were suppose to be getting we will not get because of their stupid mistake!!! We have been paying for freaking accident insurance for the whole time, when I have good enough insurance to cover an ambulance and stuff like that if there was ever an accident. So at this point I lost it again. And was getting upset at the customer service person, "you guys are the ones that signed us up for the wrong policy!! That wasn't our fault, we just noticed that the money was being taking our of our account, and figured that it was for what we told you it should be for." She then explained the we should've read all the paper work they sent us on it, and the reason we didn't was because we had already had this policy once last year and it was suppose to be all the same so we didn't look at it. Which I will admit was our fault.

So now my emotions are going wild again, but now instead of crying I am almost zoning out and getting quite frustrated with everything that is going on around me. My daughter running around in circles giggling. How sad is that (now I am crying) that I am so stuck on my emotions that I am not finding joy in my little girls joys!!! I do love her and want the best for her, but right now I just don't want to face her. Don't want to deal with her.

The past few days I have been so happy!!! I felt like I was a REALLY good mom. I would get up out of bed right when she would get up. I would get her dressed (the last little while I've just had her walk around in her pajamas all day long or just a diaper, or have her go to bed in her normal clothes and leave them on her for the next day). I then do her hair, make her breakfast instead of pouring it. Clean up the house and make it nice for her & my husband. Give her a bath every night. Life has been good the past few days, now today. I just want to curl up in a corner and never leave it.

I know you have been very patient and willing to let me vent, and you do no know how much that means to me. It really helps.

Alisha

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 2:25pm

Hi Alisha,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 2:38pm

This is a tough spot, Alisha. I had a social worker tell me that money is never an issue. Unless you don't have any. Isn't that the truth? I am not good @ financial advice, other than when I have been in a tight spot, I went without everything but the bare essentials. Get rid of the plastic. If you aren't careful, you will be paying daily bills with credit & you'll be in worse shape. It's always good to spend only what you have in hand, never what you expect to get. The timing may not be right. The money may fall through, just as it did for you. Mistakes happen. Creditors can sometimes make allowances. It would involve more phone calls. You would have to ask for reduced payments or a new payment plan. I know that being honest & keeping in good control of your emotions is essential. If you can't do that, maybe you should consider a credit counselor. Enlist your dh's help & look in the phone book for a free service. Sometimes churches have these services available.


You can get out of this posistion if you stick to your guns, get your dh to help & seek assistance. You

 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 12:19am

You are right Lori, they are just finances. I have had many long nights in my life worrying about finances, but looking back at those times I don't think "OH that year finances just ruined my life forever" I think "I should've done this, or that to have avoided that situation"

I have been able to make some more sense with our finances today, and might have found a way to get one of the policies re-instated that they said was not possible to reinstate. We will find out on Monday what the final say is on that one. My husband was able to work for another company today and get paid $4 an hour more than his normal job, and since he was only working for them today they paid him under the table. So he got $180, not bad for one days work. Just that $180 will help us pay the difference we were lacking on our mortgage, gas, and insurance that we need for this baby. Everything else will have to go unpaid for a week and a half or so.

I also was able to find out that the error we had with our taxes (did I mention that!?) might not have been fixed right! I think H & R Block put us down making more money than we made! They said we made $34,000. But I think we only made like $20,000. We have been paying the state and federal taxes for this error, $2,000 for the past few months. So if I am able to prove that H & R Block screwed up we might be able to get some of that money back!!!

Yeah I am sure I will be more excited about this little girl when I finally have her, but it is so hard to even think about her right now with everything else that is going on. I need too though. And even though our finances don't really allow it, I need to go buy stuff for her. We have everything but bottles and stuff for her, but I think if I were to go buy some outfits or something that it might help me. I hope any ways. Or just looking threw all the clothes we already have for her might make me happier. I have already put them all into her dresser, maybe now I will start hanging more clothes up in the closet. I bet just seeing the cute little girl clothes will help.

Thanks again

Alisha

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