Medication Isn't Helping
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| Thu, 08-11-2005 - 12:52am |
It has been a long time since I have posted on here, and I hate to have to come back but I need too right now. I had a hard time with depression the past 5 years, making it hard to function like I should. I have had thoughts of hurting myself as well as my daughter. It got to the point that the thoughts would control me so much that I had too question whether I really did do something to my daughter, or was my mind making me think I did. It was then that I finally broke down and got some professional help. They put me on paxil, and sent me to counseling. I went to counseling for awhile, but soon stopped because I was getting depressed about how much it was costing for me too go. (we didn't have money for food at the time, so to me it made more sense to eat than to go to counseling). I think my husband also kind've convinced me that I didn't really need it. My counselor told me that I was manic depressive, Bio-polar, and had anger management issues besides my depression. My husband doesn't believe that, he thinks that counselors say stuff like that to make you feel like you have to keep going back and giving them money.
I haven't gone to a counselor for a year now, but have stayed on paxil. I am now 7 1/2 months pregnant. I have been depressed most of this pregnancy, to the point that I almost want to take my life while pregnant so I don't have to bring this baby into this world. So she doesn't have to have me as her mom. I feel like I let my daughter I do have right now down more times than I do anything good for her. You See I work at home and have to pretty much ignore her while I am working, because my work needs me to stay at my computer and not get up and down a lot while working.
Another thing that is making it hard for me with my depression right now, is that there has not been any stability in my life for that past two months. I have been staying at my parents house more nights than I have been able to stay at my own home. It has gotten to the point that when I am home, I don't feel like I am home. It has been so crazy that I haven't gone to the doctors in the past 2 months!! I just got a call from my doctors office calling to see if everything was ok, and if I was still pregnant. I am not sure why, but that REALLY depressed me. The idea that they thought I had already lost this one, really set me for a loop today. Maybe partly because I wish it was true, I don't know. The lady who called me addressed her concerns to me about how she was worried about getting me into the doctor as soon as I can find a way there, but that is the depressing thing. I don't have a way there!
That is another thing that really sets my depression off, finances. I am the one in our marriage that does the finances, and so when things get tight I seem to loose it. I have a real hard time staying focused on them when I am depressed, and consequently I take the attitude of "I don't want to deal with them!! They just make me depressed!" My husband doesn't deal with them either, even when I have been so depressed that I have asked him directly to take over the finances, he still doesn't do them. So then when I finally get back into trying to do them, they are a MESS! Tons of late payments that I might've been able to avoid, and so I get more depressed. I am not sure how I can help my husband understand how much I need him to help me out with the bills. He is a wonderful husband, but when it comes to the bills I feel like I am his mom. And I hate that.
I am not trying to do wow is poor pitiful me, but I just really needed to vent. I guess also to have someone tell me that I am justified in feeling depressed, but that everything will be ok. I know I need to go back to counseling, but I really can't right now. I mean REALLY I can't. We have so many debt collectors calling our house that I am having to ignore the phone now a days.
Why can't I be happy? Like I use to be? I think the last time I can truly say I was happy (for longer than a few months) was when I was in highschool which has been about 5 years. Thats when my depresion really started. My parents always told me that it was all in my head and that I was just making too big of a deal with things, and would not give me the help I needed, because they didn't have the money was what they told me. They also said that they could try and figure out a way to pay for a counselor, if I REALLY felt I needed help but made sure I understood what sacrificies they and the rest of the family would have to take in order for me to go. And so I didn't go, because I cared about them, I didn't care about me. They ended up taking my sister to get help for some mental problems she was going threw about the same time, but not me. Let me think, did that help my depression? I think not.
My brothers know I am taking paxil, and make fun of me because of it. They call them my crazy pills. And don't seem to truly understand why I am taking them. I know that I need to take them in order to live, because there have been so many times I have been so intrigued by death and how it would feel, that I am suprised I am still around now.
Tonights feelings of killing myself haven't been as drastic as on other occasions, but my husband is at work and will be there until 1 am. My daughter has been throwing fits ALL day long, and my urges to beat the crap out of her have been very strong. She has now cried herself to sleep, and I think about how nice it will be to take a nice bubble bath and relax by candle light and relax. Then the thoughts come to my mind of how easy it would be to just sink slowly under the water and drown myself. Quietly and peacefully.
I want my life back, I want to be me again! I want to feel like I make other people happy, because I really did back in the day. My friends always came to me to get happy or hyped up at dances or parties. because I was really the life of the party. Now a days people seem to avoid me, and I would too if I were them.
Sorry this is so long, I just get carried away with my thinking. And even though it may not seem like it I think I am a little better than I was when I started. Still a little teary eyed but a little better. I am now going to go take my bath, but I promise I will not do anything drastic. I just keep reminding myself that my husband needs me to do the bills. He can take my place with the housework, yard work, taking care of our daughter, etc. but he can not do the bills. It actually kind've makes me laugh that thats what is holding me on right now, but it is. And that is all I need, is just one thing then more will follow.
Suecase82

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Thanks Jan
Your works were so pleasing to read. It give me a lot more hope for my financial situation. I think I will look into getting some help with our creditors. I have already been able to work some things, but there is only so much I can do as the debtor.
I was approved by my doctor to up my dosage of Paxil to see if that helps. And I am confident that it will. I know not permanently but at least until I can get myself the real help that I need threw a counselor or something.
I know my husband needs to be helping out more, and he has admited that to me. The problem is that he is working so many hours right now, so when he is home he eats and then goes to bed. But he has the day off tomorrow so we are going to go over everything together, and I will show him how I have organized things. Cause I know that he can't do anything with the bills unless I show him what I have done first. I hope to be able to turn the finances over to him before this baby comes. So that I can focus on healing and taking care of her and not stressing so much about finances (and it will be nice not to have to stress about work as well!! Maturnity leave, isn't it wonderful)
Thanks again
Alisha
Hey Alisha,
I like that "Love created this life, and Love will help it grow!" I will think about that one a lot. We are thinking of naming her Breahnee, but not sure on the spelling just yet. Things have gotten a lot more stressful over her, but I am able to stay calm and together (I think it is the higher drug dosage). Our gas is now going too be shut off unless we come up with $700. Which we do not have! So it is a little stressful but we will get threw it.
Thanks
Alisha
Please read this all the way through. I think these things REALLY WILL help you.
SPEAK. Hi. Well, I can relate to what you're going through. I know a woman named Lisa Covington who runs an organization called SPEAK which stands for suicide prevention, education, and awareness for kids, but she also helps adults. If you tell her you were referred by Paula, she will talk to you for free and try to help you. Her number is 410-377-7711. Her website is www.speakforthem.org. It is a nonprofit organization locating in Maryland. Keep in mind that just because you have suicidal thoughts and thoughts to harm someone else does not mean that you have to actually followup on them. Everyone has thought of suicide at low points in their lives....EVERYONE....so you are not alone. Also remember, there's ALWAYS someone else worse off. For example, I know someone who has 13 children and only a 3-bedroom house. Her house is always a mess, and they never have money to go anywhere. They're dirt poor, meals take at least 2 hours, and there's always utter chaos at her house....but they still find time to go to church.
When I separated from my husband, he was stalking me and making me feel very anxious. I was also depressed, wondering if I made the right decision, and also worrying about him blackmailing me, sneaking into my house when I wasn't there, stealing my money, and trying to get my family on his side against me. I went to my doctor asking for pills, and all he told me was to take a bubble bath! I NEVER ask for pills, so this should have been a sign to him that I was in bad shape. My heart raced every day at around 130 beats per minute, so he gave me something for that, not realizing it wasn't cardiac in nature but from anxiety. I never took the heart pills (metoprolol) because a side effect was increased blood pressure.
ISSUE 1. I work from home just like you doing medical transcription. People think I have all the time in the world because I work from home; they don't realize that I am actually WORKING. It makes me feel guilty when my kids see me tied to the computer all day while they're bored, so I take 15-minute breaks every 2 hours, and we always eat dinner together with no TV or phone interruptions. We do 1 fun thing together each week, even if it's just having a picnic of crackers and cheese in the backyard. Just remember that you are not responsible for ALL of your child's happiness. You need to find a way to teach her that she has to learn not to be so dependent on you and how to entertain herself, especially with another one on the way; however, you have to find a way to explain this to her so that she will understand. TIME MANAGEMENT are the key words for you here. Here are some suggestions.
1. PARENTS FORGET TO TELL CHILDREN "WHY." When children don't understand why they should do something, they won't want to do it. Parents say, "Because I said so" and then wonder why the kid disobeys them. Talk to your daughter, even if you think she's too young to understand. Talk to her in a non-yelling tone of voice but serious, like you could get in trouble if you don't work. Tell her WHY parents work. Show her her toys. Tell her how when you work, you get money, and then you have a house to live in, toys to play with, etc. Tell her that if Mommy didn't work, then the house would be "all gone," the toys would be "all gone," etc. Say, "We don't want it to be all gone, do we? That would be scary and make everybody sad. I want us all to be happy, so let Mommy work, okay, because Mommy wants you to have toys."
2. Take a break from work every few hours for 15 minutes. Look at a clock with her that has hands. Tell her when the big hand is on X and the little hand is on X, Mommy can stop work and play a game with her, but not until then. Tell her in a nice way that she has to be quiet, though, so Mommy can get a lot of work done. Tell her that work won't let Mommy play unless she gets a lot done. Tell her this before you guys play the game. If the phone rings while you're playing the game, ignore it; they'll call back, or you can call them back. If it's work related, tell them you were taking a dump, lol. This will show your daughter that she really is what is most important to you, not work (even though yes, we do need work to get food).
3. Try to think of some things she can do by herself to occupy her time while you work. Tell her that if she plays quietly with whatever it is that you give her, you will get to play another game with her at X o'clock (do the thing with the clock again).
4. Talk to her about the baby every chance you get. When the baby comes, let her help out in any way that she can. That way, she will feel like time you spend with the baby is time you spend with her as well. She will feel like it is her baby and that the two of you are "playing" with the baby together.
5. Let the house go to crap. So what? People will understand that you have 2 small children and won't expect you to have everything neat and clean. If you work and take care of 2 kids, your husband can clean if he doesn't like it. Taking care of the kids is more important, and if other people can't respect that or understand it, that's their problem. Remember, people talk about people no matter what they do: "Her hair is too blonde, her hair is too dark; his house is a mess, he's a neatness freak."
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ISSUE 2. When I was in my 20s (in my 30s now), we had bill collectors not only calling but coming to our house! My (now exhusband) husband refused to work, and I didn't make enough money for all that he thought we should have. We were always in debt, and our credit stunk. Here are some suggestions.
1. I refused to file for bankruptcy because of pride, and now looking back, I wished I had. It would have prevented a lot of stress for me. My brother filed for it and was back on track the very next year. It cost him $500 to do it, though, so if you scrape that up, I would recommend it.
2. If taking care of bill paying is stressing you out so badly, and you've already expressed this concern to your husband with zero results, then I would just sit back and do nothing. If the electricity gets shut off, then it gets shut off. It will be his responsibility to see that it is turned back on. Tell him that he brought it upon himself and that you tried to tell him on numerous occasions that you couldn't handle it. Tell him you'll just take the kids to a friend's house until he gets it turned back on.
3. Get a caller ID. You can see who is calling and just not answer the phone when it's a bill collector.
4. Throw away the mail. If you can't handle opening another collections notice, then just don't open it until you are able to pay it. If you are getting late notices, chances are that your credit is not grade A anyway, so don't worry about them sending it to a collection agency. Let them go ahead and do it.
5. When you feel more stable, go through the bills WITH YOUR HUSBAND. If he can't go through them with you, then don't go through them at all. Your mental health is more important than keeping up with the Jones'. When you two are ready, write down the different bills you have. Figure out which ones you can get rid of the soonest and focus on them.
6. Don't call a financial advisor; they only want money from you.
7. If you can only send someone $1 towards a bill, then send them that.
8. Talk to your bank about consolidating your bills. You will have a lot more extra money each month if you do; however, don't use that extra money to get into more debt! Save it for a rainy day or do something fun with it with your family.
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ISSUE 3. You don't have a very good support system. Your brother makes fun of you, your parents won't help you financially but are willing to help your sister, and your husband's head is in the clouds somewhere.
1. You love your husband, so you don't want to get rid of him, lol; however, you could distance yourself from your family. Just because they are your parents and siblings does not mean that you have to associate with them. I wouldn't totally isolate myself from them, though, just maybe limit your time talking to them or being around them, because you might need to ask them for something again.
2. Find something that you're interested in that is only for you. For example, going for a walk in the evening. Talk a half-hour walk while your husband stays home with the kids. Thirty minutes won't kill him, lol, and you can have some peace and quiet and some alone time to organize your thoughts. If your husband thinks it's weird that you all of a sudden are taking walks, tell him it's because you want to lose weight after the baby and that your doctor told you to. Giving yourself something that yourself needs is how you take care of yourself. You are just as important to you as your husband and kids are. It's okay to put yourself first sometimes, too, just like you did by taking a bubble bath.
3. The next time your brother makes fun of you for being on Paxil, tell him that at least you have enough sense to try to help yourself. Tell him that he should be glad you're on Paxil because otherwise you would go nuts and wring his stupid neck, lol. Tell him that you like Paxil because it keeps you sane so you don't do something hasty like punch people in the face who make fun of you.
4. Look up affordable organizations on the Internet that would allow you to have free time to associate with other people, people who are happy and positive. Their happiness will rub off on you. They have problems too, just like you, but they CHOOSE to be happy anyway, and that's how you can be. You're stuck at home all day with work, house, kids, bills, etc. You need to get away. You might be able to afford a vacation at the beach right now, so do the next best thing and join the YMCA or something, for example, where you can go swimming in winter!
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I hope this all helps. I know it's a lot to absorb, but you can do it, because I did. I have thought about suicide plenty of times, today being one of them. The only thing that keeps me hanging on is my conscious sometimes. I have a lot on my plate right now, and my boyfriend doesn't make it any easier sometimes. I hang on to hope that tomorrow or next week or next month, I will have at least one happy moment that I wouldn't have been able to experience if I wasn't here.
Best wishes,
Paula
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