back - maybe trigs
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back - maybe trigs
| Sat, 08-13-2005 - 4:43pm |
Hello,,,I'm home from vacation. Obviously I didn't go and drown myself,,,but believe me it was on my mind everyday. Just being in the water, just looking at it,,,it pulled me, beckoned to me. I went under and envisioned not coming up,,,thought how easy this could be. Had places picked out where I wanted to do it and wanted the sun to be shining so it would be pretty for me to see the colours and sparkles from the sunrays while underwater.
Thinking of my children and others caused me to chicken out. I would ruin everything for them doing it while they were there. I said to my husband when we were out in the boat fishing how wonderful it must feel to just surrender yourself to the surface of the water, how peaceful that must feel to have it decide what to do with you. I guess he wasn't really listening to me cos he just kept going 'uh huh' over and over again while he was fiddling with his lures and rod. So now I am feeling like a failure somehow as stupid as that must come across. At times I was afraid before going up thinking I had only this many more days,,,,but here I am those days behind me. My time there was alright, sometimes I think I had fun but I never felt
that pure clear emotion of happiness that I see others experience. I try but it is like there is a damn built into me that only allows so much 'good' come over and then closes tightly shut and I am told to work with what was given to me. It is a very frustrating feeling,,,,like being kept with emotional barriers around me at all times while others seem to be able to absorb and fufill themselves with all the beauty and things and experiences that should make one feel satisfied.
I am going to my doctor on Monday,,,,making myself go so I can get this referral I need to see the pdoc my tdoc got for me. Scared? oh yeah,,,but other things scare me more so I need to at least try. Terribly sorry for the length of this,,,my head is just so full of things from this past week and I've had no outlet and I just want to scream or do something,,,,anything to alleviate some of it. Thank you,,,,Abby
Thinking of my children and others caused me to chicken out. I would ruin everything for them doing it while they were there. I said to my husband when we were out in the boat fishing how wonderful it must feel to just surrender yourself to the surface of the water, how peaceful that must feel to have it decide what to do with you. I guess he wasn't really listening to me cos he just kept going 'uh huh' over and over again while he was fiddling with his lures and rod. So now I am feeling like a failure somehow as stupid as that must come across. At times I was afraid before going up thinking I had only this many more days,,,,but here I am those days behind me. My time there was alright, sometimes I think I had fun but I never felt
that pure clear emotion of happiness that I see others experience. I try but it is like there is a damn built into me that only allows so much 'good' come over and then closes tightly shut and I am told to work with what was given to me. It is a very frustrating feeling,,,,like being kept with emotional barriers around me at all times while others seem to be able to absorb and fufill themselves with all the beauty and things and experiences that should make one feel satisfied.
I am going to my doctor on Monday,,,,making myself go so I can get this referral I need to see the pdoc my tdoc got for me. Scared? oh yeah,,,but other things scare me more so I need to at least try. Terribly sorry for the length of this,,,my head is just so full of things from this past week and I've had no outlet and I just want to scream or do something,,,,anything to alleviate some of it. Thank you,,,,Abby

Hi Abby,
Oh HOney, I'm so sorry that you are feeling so low. I'm so grateful that you did NOT do what you wanted to do... as peaceful as the scenery was, that would have been a tremendous mistake. I'm glad that you thought of your children and loved ones.
Sweetie, I do so know how you feel. I know how low you feel. I have been there... and I still go there at times. It's HARD, to get out of the deep dark hole at times.
I'm glad that you will be seeing a pdoc. Yes, I know you are scared, but sweetie, you are doing the right thing.
HANG IN THERE, and post when you need to.
Vida
I'm glad you stayed safe and are going to see the doctor
Lots of hugs,
Amanda
co-cl of the Get Organized board