I'm new here and need someone to talk to

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
I'm new here and need someone to talk to
2
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 5:56pm
My name is Theresa and I am the 32 y.o. mother of two beautiful children and I cannot stop thinking about hurting myself. It seems like the only right thing to do. I feel so stuck and useless and I don't know what to do. My life is my children all of the time and that should be fine but it isn't. I have two of the most wonderful children and I just cannot do it anymore. I homeschool both of them. My dd is 6 1/2 and my ds will be 4 in November. DD went to a very good preschool. However, she was bullied and just very smart for their program so we decided last year to keep her home for kindergarten. This was a decision DH and I have long considered but the more or less sealed the deal. I live in a very large city with a famously bad school system. We are Catholic but even those schools are disintergrating to the level of the publis schools or they are just closing. My DS was just diagnosed last week with a probable learning disability and although he is very intelligent, the therapist felt that homeschooling him would be the least frustrating road to travel. He cannot we officially evaluated until he is at least 6. Again, we were going to homeschool him as well, but now it is kind of "have to" situation for a long time. My intention was to evaluate the value of keepong them home on a yearly basis.
Anyway, we started school this week and it was very hard. Last year, I felt like a failure because I would have to plop my son in front of the tv to teach his sister or I would give him an activity to entertain him and he would not last more than 5 minutes without something happening that I had to to stop teaching in mid-sentence and he gained nothing and my dd didn't exactly get the warm fuzzies I was shooting for. All in all, she thrived last year but I felt like a failure every single day as I tried to do what I knew was best for her and I just felt like everyone was missing out as I lost my temper and cried and yelled at her and put him in front of the tv and tried to get lessons done after everyone went to bed.
This week has been the same thing. My DS is very happy about school but has no attention span and does not quite grasp everything so I am going try his program minus some stuff and redo it next year. DD is relatively happy. However, again it is non-stop and I am being pulled in a million direction 24 hours a day. I constantly question if this is the best thing, I call my DH and tell him they need to go to school, I sit here and sob because I cannot keep it together and my DD makes get well signs for me and my DS cries and tells me he wants me to be happy. I keep telling my DH that this is what the kids need but I am not the one to do it. I keep telling him as I told him last year how hard it is to know what is best for your children and know that it isn't you.
If I sent them to school I would feel like a failure too so I'm in a damned if I do, damned if I don't situation. Also, I have this anxiety issue of something happening to them. Sometimes I have visions of someone taking them or harming them and them screaming for me and I can see eveything that is happening to them but I cannot help them. It is horrible. I was diagnosed with lupus a year ago and am now considering having another child but with the homeschooling and how hard the week has been I cannot imagine doing it again and all of the anxiety of another baby and trying to juggle that. Again, I sometimes think well if they were in school of course I could have one or two more babies but they are not so of course it is me being a failure in not being able to handle what I have to do.
Everything makes me so angry and upset. When sad or bad things happen to my children my response is that I cannot handle it anymore and I have to go away. This week I was out with my children and as we crossed the street my DS's stroller ran over a butterfly. DD loves butterflies and I felt awful. However, it was alive and was very large and beautiful. We believe it was a monarch or painted lady. not real common around the city. Anyway, people were walking by and admiring it's beauty as DD was asking me to bring it home and help it. At that time two teens walked and held their foot over it. I asked them not to kill it at which point they asked what the f*** I said them and when I repeated it they stomped on it and killed it in front of my children. My dd cried on that corner for almost an hour. My ds thought each time the wind blew and a wing moved ot was alive. I was speechless and devastated and tried to explain it to them. We brought the butterfly home and buried it. Things like this crush me when I see their spirit deflated. I don't know what to do and I do not want to handle it or see it. I understand it is all part of motherhood but I cannot deal with the cruelty to them. I also feel responsible because had I not run over it none of this would have happened. Again, I understand that it was not my fault but I still feel to blame. I know all of this is crazy but I really feel like such a failure, so incapable of being who my children need and feel that they would be so much better off without me.
I suffered from severe PPD after DD was born and some have even called it psychosis. I did take zoloft from the time she was about 18 months old to almost 2 1/2 while pregnant with my DS. It seemed to help but I felt the need to stop at the end of my pregnancy. I faired better after his birth but starting on and off when he was about 15 months old I started to have these feeling on and off. I actually have a prescription for my lupus that I never had filled because we finally figured I do not need it as my case is mild. I keep thinking about getting filled and allowing my husband to find the wife he needs who can do all these things for out children that I cannot. It is not that I don't want to. I am just a waste and a failure. He will also find the mother for them that they need because it is not me. I just think about my little girl sobbing for an hour on Monday about the butterfly and imagine her pain if it were me and my little boy asking where I am and not getting it. Last night, I ran out to a store and when I came home they were waiting outside with my dh and they were so excited to see me...jumping up and down and hugging me. I was only gone for 10 minutes. They just love me so much and I feel like I fail them and hurt them everyday. Obviously, having my DD pick up the pieces of a broken mommy has to damage her. DS crying for me to be happy has got to be harmful. I try. I really do. I don't know what to do and I just want it all to stop.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2005
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 7:57pm

First off, many (((HUGS))) to you. You are in such pain, I can see it in your words.

Honey, you are not a bad mom, you are so worth it to your children. The fact that you recognize that you are having troubles is a good thing. Please, Please, PLEASE, consider seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. You are having horrible thoughts of wanting to hurt yourself... I so understand them, sweetie, as I am there, too. It comes and goes. I, too, suffered from a very severe case of PPD after my DD (just turned 3 in June) was born, and it still lingers... and turned into a major case of depression/anxiety, for which I am under treatment. I see my therapist once/week and see a psychiatrist for meds. On top of the depression I have PMDD ... that is the very severe form of PMS. Once a month, for almost a couple of weeks, I hate myself, my kids, my husband, and just want to leave...

Honey, I so empathize with you.

My DD was born with a cleft lip/palate, so that makes things more difficult, at times, b/c of the surgeries she has to have. This winter will be her 5th one. :(

You have lupus. Having a chronic illness affects the way you feel, obviously. You have children to take care of, you have a husband to take care of, and you have YOU to take care of. One of the things my therapist suggested to me is to start from inside and go out... meaning, start with YOU. Take care of YOUR needs and start making a plan to help yourself. A healthy mommy will be able to take care of the rest of the family.

(I should be taking my own advice here...)

As for homeschooling... I totally respect your wanting to do it, it's very admirable. However, you are burning yourself out. You cannot keep up with it if you are feeling the way you are. If you do end up sending your children to school it does NOT and will NOT make you a failure. NO NO NO. It will make you a GOOD MOTHER, one who cares for her children and their well being... as well as your own.

Please, I urge you, talk to your doctor, talk to someone, about seeing a therapist. You desperately need one. Please.

Email me if you'd like... alvianvi02@ yahoo .com

Vida




Edited 8/18/2005 7:58 pm ET ET by manoangeliukai
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 2:20pm

Hello & welcome! I am very sorry to hear about your distress. The home schooling seems to have taken a toll on you. This stress is pushing you over the edge. This isn't fair to you, your children or your dh. You must