Slipping again...(triggers)

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Slipping again...(triggers)
10
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 9:29pm

Hi, it's been a while since I posted here...fortunately it was because I was doing well, better than I had been in a long time. I posted something like this on the depression board, but I thought maybe it belongs more on this one, even though some things may seem out of context.

Tonight I was supposed to go out with a group to celebrate a friend's birthday, but I called and cancelled because of stomach upset (which I do have, but I also just didn't feel like going, which I know is awful). I'm still waiting for "that time of the month," and though I did use to get PMDD, I feel like I'm in major mean-and-mad PMS mode...

I know that's probably not the whole reason for how I'm feeling, though. I finally got up the nerve to call and ask to see a therapist here, but she still hasn't called back, and I have the feeling she's not going to. And I just feel like I have no one to talk to, no one (besides my mother) who would care if anything happened to me...which is of course my own fault for being so selfish, I know.

My issues with being around other people are so complicated I don't even understand them...usually I have major social anxiety...but then again, a while ago I realized that I didn't even seem to want close relationships. So not only does my career path seem hopeless, but right now I feel stuck between wanting someone to talk to and just wanting to be alone! I know I must be among the most selfish people in existence.

And the many days of binging on food to try to numb myself are starting to catch up with me...I feel stuck in an unattractive body (although technically I'm not overweight), and I seem to sabotage myself whenever I try to eat better. Probably doesn't help my mood that I stopped taking my Prozac yesterday (AFTER I started feeling bad...why is that my first reaction?!)...if I don't go back on it within the next few days, I know my muscle pain will set back in, but I feel like I deserve it somehow.

How did I go from so functional and feeling better to so lost and sad again in such a short time? I guess I need to find a way to pull myself back up so I can at least focus on all the studying I have to do (today I got a little done but have mostly been napping and watching TV...and feeling so guilty about missing my friend's b-day celebration).

Oh, and what I left off the depression board (triggers to come)...a few days ago, I started getting these flashes of self-destructive images like I used to get...very odd to describe, and I don't want to trigger anyone. Hmm, so I don't see much reason now to describe them! But I guess you can imagine. Does anyone get these kinds of flashes of images, or urges to do something that come on all of a sudden?

And just today, thoughts that it would be such a relief for me to find out that I had some fatal illness. And feeling just confused, like I'm losing touch with reality. I know that's nothing compared to how bad I used to feel...but I can see where this is going. And I can't afford to go down this path again...so I don't know what to do.

Thanks for listening...hope you all are doing better,

Rose

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 11:48am

Hi Rose,

I know exactly where you are right now, once again. I just came through a really bad time, about a 7 week episode of ultradian cycling with my Bipolar disorder. I got my meds adjusted. Topamax was added as a mood stablizer. All my anti depressants were stopped and I went through another horrible withdrawal from both Cymbalta and Wellbutrin. I'm only now on Lithium and Topamax, with Ativan as needed. It was very bad, and I was quite suicidal, depressed, and for the first time, I was in a rage during most of it. I managed to stay out of the hospital, and did manage to work too, I don't know how. But I did. I was so mean, and horribly unhappy with life. I took things out on my family, but we made it through okay. I had a week (this week) of feeling really good (hypomania) and now today, I'm coming down again. Its not fun, is it, honey? I know you aren't officially dx'ed Bipolar...but I think you are bordering on Bipolar II and I've told you that many times. You always say that you don't want to be around people, but from your posts, you want that SOOOOO very much! You want to be around people who UNDERSTAND you. And that is the key. I don't like being around people either. But having a good support system is the only way I am still around right now. Having the friends I've made on from the boards I go to, BP and SI mainly, have saved my life, literally. I don't have many IRL friends. I have my mom and dad...my dh, and my ds...and that is about it. But I'm so blessed to have the friends who KNOW without a shadow of a doubt what I am going through.

Gosh, I don't know what I'm writing all this for. I guess to let you know that I KNOW what you are going through. I care for you. I truly do. I know the extent of your suffering! There IS help Rose. You just have to fight for it. That isn't fair, but it is how it is. Most pdocs aren't going to just "get it". I don't know why. But its been my experience. You have to take the initiative in your treatment and make them help you.

I am so sorry to see you going through this...it sucks, plain and simple...i wish it didn't. For either of us. For any of us. We deserve better.

Love and Hugs,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 2:53pm

Hi, Rose! Nice to see you again. I sure wish you were feeling better.


I think that Keli might be on to something. You have not thrown in the towel yet over this social anxiety. You have alot of strength. You are attempting to see med school through to the end. Gosh darnit! I think you DO want to be around ppl. You may be just a bit like me. Never take *no* for an answer. You are going to overcome these fears come hell or high water!


 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 11:23pm

Thank you so much for that post, Keli...I'm also really sorry to hear that you've had such a difficult time lately...that sounds so awful. I admire you for making it through...you're right, it's anything but fun!

I also used to think I could be bipolar, but it's been so long since I've had one of my "up" episodes...well, I remember one almost a year ago, but nothing recent...and I figured that if I can be on all these antidepressants (3 different ones at the same time!) and not be completely manic, I couldn't be bipolar...but I'm not sure.

I think you may be right that I want to be around people who understand me...it sounds selfish to me, but I guess it does seem to take a lot of my energy to keep up the "act" around people. But still, I do have some friends who know me pretty well, and I still would rather not see them a lot of the time.

What you said about online friends is definitely true for me as well, though...I honestly don't know what I would have done if I didn't have everyone on the boards to turn to. They have saved my life more than once, too...

I know you said you didn't know why you were writing all that, but hearing all of it helped me...I'm so sorry you have experienced feeling like this, but it's a huge comfort to know that someone understands. I haven't been great about standing up for myself in terms of treatment...well, the one pdoc I can see is the one who told me that this is just how I am, and that she doesn't expect me to have a great life...that doesn't help!

Thanks again...you don't deserve this either...I really hope you aren't on your way down too, and that your new med regimen will turn out to be the right one.

As for my meds, I'm dealing with the physical effects of stopping most of mine...I have fibromyalgia, but usually barely even notice because of how well antidepressants work for it...but now, it's taken me a few Tylenols just to be able to sit at my desk because of the pain. (The one med I did stay on keeps me from having almost daily migraines.)

I want to stop all of them and would except for the physical effects...already I gave in and started back on all of them tonight. Just recently I promised my mom I wouldn't quit my meds like this...as she said, there's nothing to be gained from it...and I don't know why I'm always so tempted to do it.

Maybe partly because there's a girl in my class who has some chronic, serious physical illnesses that she always seems to be talking about...it makes me feel so bad that she's in pain and I'm not, for no real reason...and to be honest, I think I'm jealous that she's able to be open about her problems and get help and understanding with them, whereas mine aren't even considered "real" illnesses and have such a stigma associated with them (I don't even mention to doctors that I have fibromyalgia, partly because it's usually under such good control that I can run for miles with no problem...but also because I saw several doctors who clearly saw it as a "joke" illness made up by a hypochondriac or a "head case"!).

Anyway, I wasn't going to ramble on about myself like this again. And I know I'm creating this whole problem for myself anyway by stopping my meds! Wow, I hate myself...am I so desperate for sympathy that I purposefully cause myself unnecessary pain?! I've started to believe that underneath it all, I really am a selfish, worthless person. OK, I'm going to stop now. I really appreciate the help and support you've given me...thank you so much...I hope I can help you some day in return.

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 11:27pm

Janis, thank you so much...you were definitely right about re-thinking my decision to go off meds. I just restarted them because of the muscle pain, as I wrote to Keli...but for the moment, it's getting to be a bit much...I'm going to come back and edit this post to a longer reply after a little break from this uncomfortable chair...

Edit: OK, sorry about that. The other things you wrote were also so helpful to me...after reading them, I feel like maybe I do have the strength to work through all this.

I know, I shouldn't have missed the b-day party...and even today I had another friend ask me to come to a party with her, but I just said I'd think about it-- that I wasn't really in the mood-- and then never called her back about it. At times like these, I know I need to become more responsible, more of an adult in dealing with things-- I have been trying, but obviously not with complete success. I did sign up for a "float trip" next weekend with these friends, though.

What did you mean when you said that I might be feeling regret instead of depression? Regret about missing the b-day party, or just more general regret? There are a lot of things I can think of that I regret in my past, things I've missed out on, etc...

I'm not quite sure why I stopped my meds, as I wrote to Keli. I do tend to sabotage myself...a therapist years ago actually told me that too...I'm not even sure why. Maybe I'm lazy and reaching success takes more work than just giving up?

Or I wonder if part of it is that same issue about being responsible for myself, actually acting like an adult and doing what I need to do to be functional instead of waiting for someone to "make" me do it. I can't imagine that I could be so immature as that, but I guess it's possible...it's also true that my bedroom stays diastrously messy, maybe because there is no one who will make me clean it...well, there's also the fact that I'm the only one who has to see it, and I'm not really important enough to clean up for!

OK, rambling again...probably the Ambien I just took...it's for sleep, but when I take it at night, I start feeling much calmer (and ramblier, probably!)...I kind of wish I had some med specifically for anxiety, but I guess there's a chance I would abuse it. I've hinted at that to my pdoc but didn't want to ask for that kind of med outright after she said she didn't want to change any of my meds.

Your advice even encouraged me enough to call the therapist back today...I left another message near the end of the workday today, though, so maybe on Monday she'll call back. Still, this same thing happened a few months ago...I called her, she never called back...so I assumed she had no openings. But my pdoc just told me she should have openings now...so I don't know. She's the only option left at this point for therapy.

I guess you're right that I should try to talk to someone about these "flashes," though. I don't know if these are common for other people too, or if they mean I'm becoming psychotic or something? I guess not...but there doesn't seem to be anyone I can talk to about them.

After my ECT, I asked my pdoc what was going on because I was getting these weird flashbacks to random different places in my past...felt kind of like "brain hiccups"...they were very frequent right after ECT, but have slowed down to rare now...but anyway, I started to ask her about them, and before I could even finish my first sentence, she interrupted to say that "no, that's not related to ECT" and that was it.

These "flashes" aren't like that exactly, but I still wonder what's going on. Oops, I should know to stop typing and go to bed after taking Ambien so I don't ramble off into meaninglessness...my apologies if you've made it all the way through this...but I just wanted to thank you for the support and encouragement...I really appreciate it.

(P.S. What does "GBU" mean? I thought maybe "God bless you"? I think it would be helpful for me to get back some kind of religious belief...do you find that helpful?).

Thanks again,

Rose

Thanks again,

Rose

Edited 8/20/2005 1:19 am ET ET by rosa444




Edited 8/20/2005 2:05 am ET ET by rosa444
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Registered: 02-12-2004
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 7:37pm

Hey Rosa,


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Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 8:56am

Hey hon...have had the most horrific DOWN in a long time...and i hate it so much...but i did get a visit from a/f this a.m. so maybe it was pms??? i'm very hopeful! my weekend was BAD BAD BAD. But its over now, right? i too, have fibro...my pain usually presents in my legs (including hips/knees) and knuckles (weird, huh). I'm only taking tylenlols because i don't want pain meds yet. I only get a flare up when i am VERY stressed, and have had one during this last episode.

I have a 9 a.m. meeting, but wanted to check in on you.

I will post more later. How are you doing? Any better? I want to say no...but have some more depression, and anger to fight. Hate that. But gotta do what we gotta do!

Hang in there!

Hugs!

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 10:40pm

Thanks so much, Lori...I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply. The last few days, I've actually had so much muscle pain (probably my hormones making my fibromyalgia act up) that I couldn't concentrate to sit at the computer for long! Today I did go and get an old prescription for a mild pain med refilled, so things are a little better, and I even got some mild exercise today, which is usually helpful for keeping my depression away.

Thank you for reminding me that people do care, and that depression will come and go (especially true for me probably, since things always seem much bleaker "this time of the month")...I often forget those things.

I did have to be very social yesterday (representing the mental health organization here at the med school at a fair for new students...I'm one of the co-chairs of it this year, which I guess is a little ironic!). But I haven't been getting out or socializing much otherwise...I know some sun would do me some good...I'm going to try that tomorrow. I spent today basically in my one room with the excuse of needing to study and clean up (but at least I did get my room from unsanitary to just kind of messy, probably a step in the right direction!).

I took the advice of you all here and left another message for the therapist last week. But she still didn't reply. So today I even called the health center to ask if she was there and accepting new patients...only after the secretary at the health center contacted her about it did she call me back and leave a message!

And that message made me feel bad for being so persistent and bothersome. She sounded nice and offered to meet me once face-to-face to discuss what's going on and also to "talk about her caseload"...but I know what that means, that she's way too busy to meet with me regularly.

So I did set up that one appointment, but now I'm kinda regretting it. For one thing, it will take 45 minutes, and I can't imagine having to summarize my whole history again for the millionth time...I think that might actually make me feel worse. Plus of course I'm being a bother when she doesn't have the time to help me...and I've already used up WAY more than my share of low-cost psychiatric help!

Oh well...not feeling so great today, but so far I've been able to keep away the worst kinds of thoughts...still, I think I've actually been feeling lonely (which seems rare for me) and lost, thinking a lot about the loss of my religious faith over the years and that whole "purpose of it all" issue...plus feeling very fat (ha, how trivial is that in comparison?!) and eating lots of chocolate while trying to lose weight.

I'm sorry, once again I've rambled on for so long. You have no idea how much I appreciate all your support and help...I hope you're doing well yourself. Thanks again,

Rose




Edited 8/23/2005 11:00 pm ET ET by rosa444
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 10:54pm

Hi Keli,

I'm so sorry you've been going through such an awful down time...I wish I could take that away for you! I also get a lot worse "that time of the month," but my PMS should have passed by now and it hasn't. My heart goes out to you with the depression and the fibro too...I hope the flare passes very quickly for you, and the depression too.

I'm sorry it's taken me a while to reply...as I wrote to Lori, my pain had gotten kind of bad and kept me from concentrating at the computer. I really appreciate your reply to me when you're so busy and also having such a hard time...it really helped to know that someone cared.

I hope you managed to fight your anger and depression successfully, and that you're hanging in there too...let me know how you're doing too if you have time.

Hugs back,

Rose

P.S. I may stop by the bipolar board to ask a question...sorry to be everywhere on Ivillage! I do have to go study for a while, though...it's bad, I've spent most of the afternoon and evening wishing it was bedtime just so I didn't have to try to study and feel this way, restless and lonely...yuck.




Edited 8/23/2005 10:55 pm ET ET by rosa444
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 3:42pm

Hey Rosa,


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Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 11:47pm

Thanks so much Lori...I know, it didn't impress me too much that the therapist didn't return my phone calls. Finally we did get an appointment set up, though, for Monday, so I guess I will go just to see if she has any advice. Even if the depression was gone, I know I can't continue to be so anxious socially that I can't even imagine managing a career or other daily activities.

Thanks also for pointing out that I am doing some things to help myself get and stay better...I hadn't really thought about it, but now I think I'm beginning to realize that I have to be more responsible for myself than I used to. And that maybe ECT and meds have gotten me to the point that I am at least able to help myself the rest of the way (if that makes any sense), so I need to do what I can.

Not that things are quite as great as that makes them sound...I realized I've been basically taking lazy "vacation time" these last few days, when many hours of reading and studying are required. I've been getting at least 10 hours of sleep a day and not studying (or exercising) like I should, so I think the lack of stress is a big factor! Once I get at all tired, I think the depression really starts to kick in.

Sometimes it's hard to know whether this low-stress, isolated time in my room is helping me feel better or just letting me run away from my problems and worsening my depression. Even today I turned down a chance to go out with friends again...and I did regret not going...especially because all I did was watch TV and do a little reading. But it's hard to know in advance how I'll be feeling in order to make plans with friends...some days, the last thing I want to do is talk to anyone.

I'm actually scared to mention the "flashes" of self-destructive thoughts I'd been having to the therapist, and I think I may not. As always, it seems like I feel pretty good when I have a therapist appointment, and my awful times come when I have no chance coming up to talk to anyone! But I guess that may happen to lots of people.

Anyway, just wanted to thank you and the others here...I hope you're doing well too.

"Talk" to you later,

Rose

P.S. Sorry if this post is confusing at times...I took a little bit of Ambien before I edited it! Strange how even that little bit can calm me down...but of course the sleepiness (and confusion) side effect means I can't take it during the day, of course!




Edited 8/26/2005 12:31 am ET ET by rosa444