Not sure where to start (triggers)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2005
Not sure where to start (triggers)
2
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 5:47pm

Hello...

This is my first post to this board. I'm a 19 female. I am running out of hope. I need to vent all of this out, so I'm sorry in advance if it's long.

I grew up with a physically and emotionally abusive mother. My father moved out before my brother was born, so it was just Mom, S (my brother), and I. The first time children's aid was called to our home my brother was still in diapers (we're 2.5 years apart). They noted bruises, which my mother explained away. They left and didn't do a follow up. No one has ever wanted to deal with her. She has suffered from depression since she was a teenager. She lashes out in rage to all around her, and then cries and feels guilty. When she would be in her crying phases while we were growing up she would threaten to kill herself. I had to talk her out of it more than once as a child/teenager. I have always felt responsible for her, and done my best to keep her safe. At the same time, keeping her from hurting my brother. Protecting them both was my number one priority for as long as I can remember.

Fast forward to 1997. I was 11 that summer. Life was doing OK. Home was difficult with her, but no more so than always. Then, at the end of August I was raped by a very close teenage friend. His mom and mine are/were best friends. I shut down. I couldn't deal with the pain. I remember only fragments of moments from the next year. I honestly lost huge spans of time that year. I "woke up" a year later. Life was awful. I had blocked out the night of the rape, but the traumatic pain was still there. Apparently having me shut down had done my relationship with Mom no good, and she and I were even more strained then before.

I attempted suicide for the first time that fall by taking painkillers. I was recued by someone I barely knew from school. He didn't know what was wrong with me, but got me help, and I didn't tell him until much later. We became close after that. He broke down many of my walls over time. The trust I built in him was integral to my healing towards males.

Life went on. In July 2000 my Dad and second Mom (Dad remarried when I was 8) divorced after six years of marriage. That was very hard on me. I was thrust into the center of their conflict, and still am. Both of them come to me for help with the other one, and use me as an instrument to further their means. When they split up their daughter, my half sister A was 5. I became super close with her. She comes to me with everything so that she dosen't have to choose between her parents.

High school started that fall (2000). I attempted suicide again during Grade 9. I was just feeling overwhelmed with all of my responsibilities to everyone. Then starting in Grade 10 I started having serious health problems (a condition I have had since birth started acting up). I felt like I couldn't do anything. Physically I was low, and I felt guilty for not having enough to give everyone else. I had another flare up this past year, but right now it's not bothering me.

I started feeling better about myself after my health problems got under control in Grade 10. Grade 11 was much better. I started dating someone. He and I were together for almost three years. During that time I suffered three miscarriages. Heartbreaking miscarriages. I was devastated by every one. The most recent one was in June 2005. While I was miscarrying my partner left. He has been suffering from depression, and try as I might, I couldn't help him enough. He blames me for much of his problems. I know that they aren't my fault, but I wish I could've done more.

So right now I am just overwhelmed. I am the major support person for family and friends. My bioloigcal mother is having a really hard time with her depression, and taking it out on me. I just lost a friend in a car accident at the beginning of August. I have been having flashbacks from the rape...

I feel like I'm failing everyone. I'm not my normal upbeat self that I usually am despite everything. I realized yesterday that I'm ready to die again. I have not been suicidal / wanted death in almost four years. I am living only for other people. I know, you aren't supposed to do that, others let you down, but I love helping people. Friends, family, people I volunteer with... it's what gives my life meaning. If it wasn't that I didn't want to hurt those I love I would end my life to escape the constant pain I'm in again.

Sad, hurt, frustrated, and I don't know where to turn. I want to talk about this with someone who knows me, but I don't want to hurt my best friends either.

~R

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 10:44am

Hello & welcome to the board, R. I am glad that you have found us. You are NOT alone. Others here can relate to what you're feeling. Maybe not the same life experiences, but the hurt. Being letdown by others is tough. You have had some very intense unhappiness. My condolences in the miscarriages. That was devastating & something you may not have worked through. The rape was an unfortunate situation. I don't think you have been able to resolve your feelings about that, either. The flashbacks concern me. Here is a link to a board that deals with rape & crisis issues. http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlcrisis


In the meantime, you need to keep yourself safe. I can tell that you're eager to get this off your chest. iVillage provides as much typing space as you need. We will listen & lend you the support you need through this difficult time. I understand your concern of burdening your friends. In my experience, that isn't the case. That's what friends are for. You may be surprised to know that they WANT to hear about your troubles. Have you considered counseling? It has been helpful to me. It doesn't mean that you're crazy. It's an outlet for you. There is an unbiased person to listen, direct & guide. The counselor can help you in learning new ways to cope. If you need help ASAP, please call the hotlines @ the top of this page or go to the local ER for help. There's no shame in that. Maybe you have tried meds in the past. That would be an option. If you're on meds currently, they may need adjusted.


Taking your life is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You have worth & value as a person who helps others(though @ the expense of yourself) & even do volunteer work. That is awesome. You are loved & needed by others. Remind yourself of all the positive things you have in your life. We care & want you to feel better. Please keep in touch & let us know how you're doing. Good luck & GBU! (((hugs))) jan



 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 7:27pm

Hi "R" and welcome to our board--although I wish people didn't have pain enough to need it but nonetheless, I'm glad we can be here for you all!


First let me say that you sound like a wonderful, intelligent person and I'm so glad your suicide attempts weren't successful!! You have a lot left to do in this world but first you need to find a way to "replenish the well" because it has about run dry!


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