Downward spiral... :0(... m... (trig)...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2005
Downward spiral... :0(... m... (trig)...
1
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 5:55pm

Okay... here's my post from a couple of days ago from another board...
"I am ready to SCREAM. I'm lashing out at DD for being "hungwy" at 10:30PM. This has been going on forever, it seems. She didn't eat at dinner, made her mac and cheese, which she loves, barely took any. NOW she's freaking hungry, and I'm livid. There was a lemon/poppy muffin on top of the coffee maker that I would have given to her, but it's freaking gone, DH doesn't know where it is... So I went into the freezer and almost threw a damn popsicle in her face and said to shut up and eat it and I stormed into the computer room.

She came in a couple of minutes ago wanting to go on the computer, I told her to go back to daddy out into the living room with the most evil voice. THIS IS NOT ME. THIS IS MY PMDD. DAMNIT. I AM SICK OF THIS. I NEED TO PUNISH MYSELF FOR PUTTING MY FAMILY THROUGH THIS HELL.

I HATE MYSELF NOW SO MUCH.

Yesterday I was close to admitting to my therapist that I want to die. Yes, I do... But I don't, at the same time. I left him a note, though, that I have meds hidden away. No, I'm not going to do anything stupid right now. But I just feel so much rage towards myself. I would go to the hospital right now just to talk to someone, but I can't leave Alan with Vilija, he's going to have to go to bed soon, he has to be up at 5:00 for work.

On top of all that, I am having horrible thoughts about my sister, the one who had the multiple strokes. Yesterday's session with my therapist brought out some very guilt feelings... and for that, I have to punish myself as well, b/c I am a horrid person for thinking of those things. It should be ME laying there, NOT my innocent sister.

I'll be getting to bed at... oh, say around 2:00 or so, b/c of stupid insomnia and worries.

How much longer to I have to do this?"

After posting that and another post that was quite sensitive (about my sister... the guilt feelings and all) I decided to do a brave thing and email my therapist -- I actually emailed him the links to my posts...

This was the whole email thing, mine to him and his response to me...

"You may share these with Dr. M, as I cannot get a hold of her...
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-bhselfinjury&msg=7167.1&ctx=0

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-bhpms&msg=2584.1&ctx=0

...oh, just realized, one of the posts mentions "AF"... that's a term used online for a period... as in the female thing.

Vida"

Here is his response to me...
"I sent these off to her e-mail and also touched base with her - you should hear from her today."

.........................................................................................
Well, I never heard from her (pdoc... Dr. M) on Friday... :( I left my cell phone number with the clinic, and explained that we were going out of town. I don't think that she got the msg b/c when we came home today she did leave a msg on our machine. (I figured that she really would have called ME on my cell if she had known about the fact that I was going out of town...) Anyway...

So, her msg was really long, she mentioned that she knew I was having some troubles regarding my prescriptions and our new insurance (need authorizations), she is having the nurse take care of all of that... etc... etc... and then she said something about having a conversation with B (tdoc... Dr. R) and that they discussed the possibility of getting me in touch with professionals who work more with women's issues (such as PPD, PMDD...). She said that we would talk about it more when I see her next... which will be on the 31st.

Okay, I have a problem with this. A huge problem. I want to stay with THEM, at the clinic where I go. I NEED to stay with them. I'm comfortable with them, I can't leave that place, it's my safe place. Really, this is how I feel, and I need them to know that. I will not leave.

I emailed my therapist earlier, after hearing the pdoc's msg on my machine. I feel that I may have worded it in a way that... well... it wasn't the right way to say what I wanted to say it, but... maybe I did mean the way I said it. I know I'm not making any sense here...

I told him, in the email, that I cannot go elsewhere (b/c of location... can't go into town, it would be too much for me)... and, well, I feel comfortable with him and her, and that I cannot speak to anyone else. And... the thing is... essentially I said that if I have to go elsewhere I will just totally give up.

:(

That wasn't exactly the thing to say... but...
Oh... it's going to be a long week... my next therapy session isn't til Thursday... I really really wish it were earlier. And, as for the pdoc appt, I hate the fact that I have to wait til next week. I know that it's not THAT far off, but it feels like it.

This post is getting way too long... sorry.
Vida

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 9:17am
You need to hang in there, Vida. Don't harm yourself or the little one. Seeking help right away is in your best interest. Don't delay. If the pdoc doesn't call, call her again. Use the crisis numbers @ the top of this page or go to the nearest ER. Please keep safe. Let us know how things go. Good luck & GBU! We care. (((hugs))) jan