Learning to deal with pain (triggers)

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Learning to deal with pain (triggers)
4
Sun, 09-25-2005 - 1:10pm

Hi, you all...I hope everyone is doing OK...I've been reading some posts here but not posting much myself. Fortunately I've been doing pretty well recently (down from where I was a while back, though)...just very busy with school, and feeling increasingly worn out and wondering (as always!) if this is the future I want for myself, with the constant workload and stress.

And I guess relationships have been going a bit better since I've been feeling up to spending a little more time with people...I still spend the overwhelming majority of my time alone in my room, though! And still wondering why I don't seem to want a boyfriend (a guy has been kind of hinting at it) or very close friends, but that's nothing new.

But lately I've started having a little trouble again. My fibromyalgia has been acting up a bit (most likely just hormone-related), so physically things hurt...and it seems like a good analogy for how I've been emotionally too...so many little things seem to cut so deeply.

Last night I went out to a great concert of my favorite band (a very unusual thing for me to do!), but the more beautiful and true the songs sounded, the more emotional pain I seemed to have. Seems very counter-intuitive...I guess maybe because I identified so strongly with them during my depression?

In any case, I had an odd thought that I couldn't get out of my mind...that I "know" I will end up dying by suicide, that it's just a matter of time...and that part of the reason I don't get more involved with things is that I feel like I will be here only temporarily.

Then again, of course that doesn't mean it's true...I know I've come close to the end many times before, but I'm still here, almost totally because of my parents. But I know they won't live forever either...

I guess I should stop focusing on the future so much, and things might work out. But other things happening now hurt me almost as much. I had a long talk with a friend last night about her own medical problems (which have some similarities to mine, although I regret that I never pursued help as insistently and openly as she has).

And hearing what she has gone through hurt so badly that I felt like I needed to self-injure just to deal with the pain (although of course I didn't because I was in public). This is awful, considering what I'm planning to do for a living, that hearing these things would be so hard for me! I wish I were religious like I used to be and could "give" these things for God, but I no longer believe in that, so I don't know what to do.

I think some of it might even be selfish on my part... the thought that I went through so much pain and generally keep it to myself, and that I should have stood up for myself more back then when I was in such severe pain (but I didn't want to seem like I was looking for drugs, and I don't really know what else I could have said beyond what I did).

But whatever the reason, it happens quite often that I'll hear these sorts of things and flip back immediately to my old thought of wanting to die. And if not that, at least wanting to go off my meds in order to put myself back in more physical pain than I have now, maybe in order to share their suffering, or to punish myself? Although that doesn't make much sense either, since even the pain I have now is making me wish for some kind of escape.

Anyone have any thoughts on how to deal with this, feeling like my emotions are "raw" like an open wound, and every little thing is like another thorn piercing it? (Sorry for the analogy...I went hiking recently and got a big, deep scrape and then had to walk through thorns...maybe why this came to mind!)

OK, I apologize as always for my long, self-centered post (even though you all are great and tell me not to be sorry!). It's just good to get this out sometimes. I did start seeing a psychologist a few weeks ago, but I've only had a few appointments (had to cancel a few because of school schedules), and she's still focusing on learning my history (which I kind of want to forget about!).

Thanks again for listening,

Rose




Edited 9/25/2005 2:13 pm ET ET by rosa444
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Registered: 02-06-2004
Sun, 09-25-2005 - 3:33pm

Rose,


Nice to hear from you. I have been thinking about you. I'm glad that you were gone because things were going well. I am sorry to hear that things are getting rough again. It sounds like much of it might be getting overwhelmed with the things we have to do. How about making sure you have some time for you. Kind of like a mini vacation on the weekend or a mini spa in the morning.


I didn't know you had fibro. I'm right there with you. I was quite surprised when my doc said he thought that was my problem. How long have you been dealing with this? I've had joint problems for 10 years but they have gotten much worse lately.


I want you to keep hanging in there. You are doing great!


Amanda

co-cl of the Get Organized board

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 6:08pm

Thanks so much, Amanda...it's nice to hear from you too. How have you been?

I think you're right that part of this might come from feeling overwhelmed...actually, even just now I've been rushing from one thing to the other and not getting any of them done! I do relax in some ways (I probably spend way too much time watching TV considering how much studying I have to do), but I don't know if that's really taking time for myself...I'll definitely try to think of something to do along those lines.

I'm sorry to hear that you have fibro, too...I was surprised by the diagnosis as well, and even annoyed for a while that nothing turned up on lab tests even though I felt so bad! Wow, you've been dealing with this for a long time, at least with the joint problems.

Strangely enough, for me everything seemed to come on all at once my last year of college, so I guess maybe 3 years ago...constant migraines (literally almost every day), really bad IBS so that I could hardly eat solid food, and worst of all the awful pain, as I know you're familiar with. I remember reading once that you'd written how hard it was to do your job with the pain...I had that same struggle...I tried doing temp work for a while, even just as a waitress, and standing for so long and working was excruciating.

Fortunately the meds I take now have made me functional again, and most of the time I've been lucky enough not to have any major pain at all. It seems to act up at "certain times of the month"...but I hope that's all this was, and not some recurrence.

The meds that have helped me are all some sort of antidepressants, which makes me feel bad when I think about it, since it reminds me of the doctors who told me it was all "in my head." But I know that's not exactly true...and I think I must just have some deficiency of serotonin...we haven't studied this a lot yet, but I'm pretty sure that low levels can be associated with pain.

It's odd how I have mixed feelings about my fibro even now...when I used to be in severe pain, I swore to myself that I'd never be depressed again if only the pain would go away. And now it (mostly) has, and yet here I am still. I've tried stopping all my meds cold turkey several times, at least once this year...all the symptoms came rushing back...but I still am so tempted to do it again for some reason (even though I'm pretty useless to anyone when I'm dizzy and vomiting from a migraine, lol!).

OK, wow, I'm sorry, I've rambled on about myself again...I really just wanted to let you know that I can relate, if you ever want to "talk" about it. I guess I don't mention that I have fibro much mostly because I just tend to keep it to myself, but also because I've felt so good physically much of the time that I can't claim to have a problem with pain...although I guess I should stop denying it to myself...oh well, who knows?!

Ooops, guess you can tell I've been a little scatter-brained lately. Thanks again for your post...it was really nice to hear from you and to know that someone cares.

Rose

Avatar for schitz
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Registered: 02-06-2004
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 7:18am

I gotta go to school but I will post a reply later today.


Amanda

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Avatar for schitz
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Registered: 02-06-2004
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 3:57pm

I'm glad that the meds have got you functional again. I am not on anything for my joints although I am on antidepressants and the Epival is supposedly helpful (although I'm in the process of weaning off that one). So, I'm not very functional right now.


I know what you mean about being depressed even though the pain is gone. It's hard sometimes, especially if you are depressed from more than the fibro. In my case it's bipolar creating a whole nother case of issues. I can't remember if its the same/similar for you (sorry! bad memory).


Don't worry about "rambling about yourself" that's fine by me. It's nice to hear how you are doing. And to know that someone can relate.


Stay on those meds!


Amanda

co-cl of the Get Organized board

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