OMG, what have I done?
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| Thu, 09-29-2005 - 9:05pm |
I have never posted here before, but lord knows I should have been! I have been reading for a while, trying to get the nerve up to post, but we all know how that goes. I finally had an incident that I need help with and I hope you can help me with it. It is a long story, so hold on to your shorts. I will try to be brief.
I am 42, married to a military man, have a daughter, 16, 17 next month, and a 21 year old step-son (who I raised since he was 3 in my home). I am severely depressed, have PTSD, and have suicidal ideations. All of this stems back to a childhood filled with physical and emotional abuse and neglect from an alcoholic mother and a sexually abusive father. I was also sexually abused by my sister's husband and later as an adult, raped when a man broke into my home. As you can see, I didn't have a very good childhood. It has come back to haunt me in my adult life, and I have been therapy for many years dealing with my father's abuse mostly.
My husband was deployed to Iraq in May, and along with my therapist leaving, and my sister-in-law divulging info to my brother that I wasn't ready for him to know about my dad, I lost it and was admitted to a psych hospital with suicidal ideations. I did not attempt, but would have if it wasn't for my best friend. I spent 9 days there, came home for 6 days and went back for 16 more days. With my husband gone, I had to make arrangements for my daughter's care. She did okay, or so I thought.
After I got out, I went to partial hospitalization for a few months until I was well enough to go back to work and was seeing a new therapist. During this time, I emailed my DH and tried to explain to him what had happened and why I lost it. In my email I told him about standing at the kitchen sink with a handful of pills and just wanting the pain and fear to go away and the only way I could see that happening was to take them all. I did not do that, but the want was there. Somehow my daughter read that email!!!!! I knew something was wrong because her behavior had changed, and she had become very beligerent and defiant. She changed so much, and her life became this huge secret. She would not speak to me hardly at all, and when I tried to speak to her, she was MEAN. That is the only way I can describe it.
Well, I found out yesterday about her reading the email to my Dh. She told me that she was mad when she found out I was suicidal. She felt like I had forgot her. Like I didn't care about her. What have I done to her? How do you make a 16 year old understand the feelings that surround suicide and that you are not thinking right? I tried last night to talk to her and it just didn't make sense to me, so how could it make sense to her? I told her that there were no words I could say that would make her understand, and I honestly believe that. OMG, what have I done to her? Have I warped her forever? Her behavior is so bad right now. She told me she is drinking, and that is so not like her. She promised me she wasn't doing drugs, but I don't believe her! She is lying to me about where she goes, and who she is with! And it's all my fault! My good girl has turned into this girl that I don't know anymore. And I have no support to help deal with this. She is seeing the counselor at school, but I am not so sure I am confident in this persons experience. I want to make her an appointment with someone else, but she won't let me.
What do I do? Please help me!
~~~~~Katy~~~~~

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((Katy))
I am so sorry that you have it so rough right now. I'm glad you got the partial hospitalization that you needed. Please don't forget that resource is there when you need it.
Now, for 16 year olds...there is no reasoning with them, especially with something so big. All I can think to tell her is that you are still here and you she is one of the reasons for that.
I'm sorry I don't have any other advice, but welcome. I hope you find what you are looking for.
Amanda
co-cl of the Self-Injury
Sandra.
~~~~~Katy~~~~~
Hi beachkomer,
What you said struck a nerve about my dd being ready to help me with what I am going thru because the other night she said something to the effect of "how can you expect me to talk to you about me when you won't talk to me about you".
~~~~~Katy~~~~~
Hi Katy and welcome.... My heart goes out to you and your daughter. I wish with all my heart that you all didn't have to go through that but unfortunately, wishes aren't needed right now as much as "damage control" is!
Hi Sandra!!!
Fancy meeting you here.
~~~~~Katy~~~~~
Thanks Lori,
When I was reading your post I had a sense of peace come over me because I got a feeling that you knew exactly what I was talking about.
~~~~~Katy~~~~~
Hi Katy ((HUGS))
I am so glad that you found us! I just read your email and it must be so hard for you.
I don't know if you tried to tell your daughter that it is not your fault and that it is not her fault !
I know how it is to have a blended family. I have two stepkids myself. My husband is in jail. Both of my parents are dead and I only have one sister for minimal support.
I have been on Zoloft and Celexa for about 5 years now. I was in Hospital twice due to suicide attempts and I am now clarified as "certifable" It may sound strange to you , but I honestly beleive that Depression comes from a chemical imbalance. I think that if we can find a right drug that works for each of us it makes a BIG difference. I finally found that Celexa works better for me than Zoloft.
I think that we all go through a life changing experience and perhaps your daughter reading the email was yours. It gave you a reason to go on and if you can try to get her to understand that, it will make a difference in both of your lives!
We are here for you..((HUGS)))..Kat
My heart HURTS for you and with you. I am so very sorry that you are going through such an awful experience... and for experiencing such nightmarish things in during your childhood. I teared up reading your post.
I so totally understand your feelings... I truly do. My story is in no way comparable to yours, but I do empathize. My children, who are only 6 and 3, have seen me, their Mommy, have some horrible horrible times, and I sometimes fear that I have been emotionally scarring them. My son has seen me, through my pgcy with his sister, go through a horrid time, I cried all the time, it was a very difficult and scary pgcy. My grandmother passed away at that time... so I cried more. Then when I had my daughter, I had a horrible, severe case of post partum depression... that I am still struggling with, at times, 3 years later... along with depression/anxiety... and a severe case of PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder).
I wish I knew what to say... what to tell you, to make you feel better.
((((HUGS)))... I pray that you are able to get the help and support that you need for yourself and your daughter. She does need to seek serious counseling, and I agree with you, a school counselor is not enough.
I am sooooo sorry.
Vida
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