OMG, what have I done?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
OMG, what have I done?
14
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 9:05pm

I have never posted here before, but lord knows I should have been!  I have been reading for a while, trying to get the nerve up to post, but we all know how that goes.  I finally had an incident that I need help with and I hope you can help me with it.  It is a long story, so hold on to your shorts.  I will try to be brief.


I am 42, married to a military man, have a daughter, 16, 17 next month, and a 21 year old step-son (who I raised since he was 3 in my home).  I am severely depressed, have PTSD, and have suicidal ideations.  All of this stems back to a childhood filled with physical and emotional abuse and neglect from an alcoholic mother and a sexually abusive father.  I was also sexually abused by my sister's husband and later as an adult, raped when a man broke into my home.  As you can see, I didn't have a very good childhood.  It has come back to haunt me in my adult life, and I have been therapy for many years dealing with my father's abuse mostly. 


My husband was deployed to Iraq in May, and along with my therapist leaving, and my sister-in-law divulging info to my brother that I wasn't ready for him to know about my dad, I lost it and was admitted to a psych hospital with suicidal ideations.  I did not attempt, but would have if it wasn't for my best friend.  I spent 9 days there, came home for 6 days and went back for 16 more days.  With my husband gone, I had to make arrangements for my daughter's care.  She did okay, or so I thought. 


After I got out, I went to partial hospitalization for a few months until I was well enough to go back to work and was seeing a new therapist.  During this time, I emailed my DH and tried to explain to him what had happened and why I lost it.  In my email I told him about standing at the kitchen sink with a handful of pills and just wanting the pain and fear to go away and the only way I could see that happening was to take them all.  I did not do that, but the want was there.  Somehow my daughter read that email!!!!!  I knew something was wrong because her behavior had changed, and she had become very beligerent and defiant.  She changed so much, and her life became this huge secret.  She would not speak to me hardly at all, and when I tried to speak to her, she was MEAN.  That is the only way I can describe it. 


Well, I found out yesterday about her reading the email to my Dh.  She told me that she was mad when she found out I was suicidal.  She felt like I had forgot her.  Like I didn't care about her.  What have I done to her?  How do you make a 16 year old understand the feelings that surround suicide and that you are not thinking right?  I tried last night to talk to her and it just didn't make sense to me, so how could it make sense to her?  I told her that there were no words I could say that would make her understand, and I honestly believe that.  OMG, what have I done to her?  Have I warped her forever?  Her behavior is so bad right now.  She told me she is drinking, and that is so not like her.  She promised me she wasn't doing drugs, but I don't believe her!  She is lying to me about where she goes, and who she is with!  And it's all my fault!  My good girl has turned into this girl that I don't know anymore.  And I have no support to help deal with this.  She is seeing the counselor at school, but I am not so sure I am confident in this persons experience.  I want to make her an appointment with someone else, but she won't let me. 


What do I do?  Please help me!

~~~~~Katy~~~~~

~~~~~Katy~~~~~

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 10:29pm

Thank you to everyone who posted and let me know they care.

~~~~~Katy~~~~~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 11:35pm

Hi Katy,


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2005
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 11:45pm

I'm really sorry that your daughter is acting out in this manner. You are doing the right thing, taking away car priviledges and driving her to/from school... just be careful, if you shouldn't be driving... isn't there someone you can ask? You need some help here.

Please definitely call your doctors for earlier appts. You sound so very desperate. I totally KNOW how you feel... different situations, of course, but I know that feeling you have inside of you.

Hang in there, my new friend...
Be careful...
Vida

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Avatar for markshay
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 8:43am
Katy, I hope you can get an earlier appt with your therapist. I would ask her (I think it's a her right?) anyways, I'd ask her who she would suggest that would be a good therapist to see your dd and get that ball rolling. I'm sure your dd will rebel at this but I really think it is important for her to at least try therapy for a couple three months anyways. You are still the parent and still make the decisions, try not to let her intimidate you into letting her act out. She is probably looking for the boundaries and the security that goes along with that even tho she doesn't think that that is the case. I haven't quite figured out how one is supposed to control a situation with kids when they know they have you over a barrel but hopefully you can find some way to stay ontop of that. Please don't let her bully you with her behaviors tho and let her feel like you can't control that, KWIM? Might take some creative ideas and ways to come up with dealing with this. Again, keep telling her how important she is to you and that you are going to do whatever it takes to make things better. Keep the communication open with your dh and let him become as involved as he can IF that would be a help. It will probably make him stay a bit more connected to things at home than it would if you just act like everything is fine without him there. It is very hard for these service people to come back and start fitting back in again, so maybe keeping him as involved as possible may help him adjust some to coming home when the time comes (just an idea). Do you have any family or close friends around that can give you a bit more support during these difficult times with your dd? I hope that today is a better day for you and that the week starts to turn things around. Take care!
Sandra.

Pages