OMG, what have I done?
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| Thu, 09-29-2005 - 9:05pm |
I have never posted here before, but lord knows I should have been! I have been reading for a while, trying to get the nerve up to post, but we all know how that goes. I finally had an incident that I need help with and I hope you can help me with it. It is a long story, so hold on to your shorts. I will try to be brief.
I am 42, married to a military man, have a daughter, 16, 17 next month, and a 21 year old step-son (who I raised since he was 3 in my home). I am severely depressed, have PTSD, and have suicidal ideations. All of this stems back to a childhood filled with physical and emotional abuse and neglect from an alcoholic mother and a sexually abusive father. I was also sexually abused by my sister's husband and later as an adult, raped when a man broke into my home. As you can see, I didn't have a very good childhood. It has come back to haunt me in my adult life, and I have been therapy for many years dealing with my father's abuse mostly.
My husband was deployed to Iraq in May, and along with my therapist leaving, and my sister-in-law divulging info to my brother that I wasn't ready for him to know about my dad, I lost it and was admitted to a psych hospital with suicidal ideations. I did not attempt, but would have if it wasn't for my best friend. I spent 9 days there, came home for 6 days and went back for 16 more days. With my husband gone, I had to make arrangements for my daughter's care. She did okay, or so I thought.
After I got out, I went to partial hospitalization for a few months until I was well enough to go back to work and was seeing a new therapist. During this time, I emailed my DH and tried to explain to him what had happened and why I lost it. In my email I told him about standing at the kitchen sink with a handful of pills and just wanting the pain and fear to go away and the only way I could see that happening was to take them all. I did not do that, but the want was there. Somehow my daughter read that email!!!!! I knew something was wrong because her behavior had changed, and she had become very beligerent and defiant. She changed so much, and her life became this huge secret. She would not speak to me hardly at all, and when I tried to speak to her, she was MEAN. That is the only way I can describe it.
Well, I found out yesterday about her reading the email to my Dh. She told me that she was mad when she found out I was suicidal. She felt like I had forgot her. Like I didn't care about her. What have I done to her? How do you make a 16 year old understand the feelings that surround suicide and that you are not thinking right? I tried last night to talk to her and it just didn't make sense to me, so how could it make sense to her? I told her that there were no words I could say that would make her understand, and I honestly believe that. OMG, what have I done to her? Have I warped her forever? Her behavior is so bad right now. She told me she is drinking, and that is so not like her. She promised me she wasn't doing drugs, but I don't believe her! She is lying to me about where she goes, and who she is with! And it's all my fault! My good girl has turned into this girl that I don't know anymore. And I have no support to help deal with this. She is seeing the counselor at school, but I am not so sure I am confident in this persons experience. I want to make her an appointment with someone else, but she won't let me.
What do I do? Please help me!
~~~~~Katy~~~~~

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Thank you to everyone who posted and let me know they care.
~~~~~Katy~~~~~
Hi Katy,
I'm really sorry that your daughter is acting out in this manner. You are doing the right thing, taking away car priviledges and driving her to/from school... just be careful, if you shouldn't be driving... isn't there someone you can ask? You need some help here.
Please definitely call your doctors for earlier appts. You sound so very desperate. I totally KNOW how you feel... different situations, of course, but I know that feeling you have inside of you.
Hang in there, my new friend...
Be careful...
Vida
Sandra.
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