where I'm at

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
where I'm at
2
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 12:09pm

Hi everyone,


I hope you all are well. As usual I haven't the energy or time to keep up with the posts. I'm having trouble keeping up with my own boards.


I'm depressed it's official. I've spend 3 out of the last 4 weeks crying.


The flashbacks have been frequent and severe.


I'm always afraid and jumpy.


My meds are still the same for now. I see pdoc tomorrow. This week I've already seen d/c, tdoc and ODSP (disability). My appointment with my disability counsellor (d/c) focused much on anxiety and fear because I was terrified according to her when I got there. I did a bit of visualization and that helped a bit but my body wouldn't stop shaking.


My appointment with disability went okay. As much as they tried to prepare me, I didn't have everything I needed. I have no idea if I'll get it or not. This appointment was only for the financial eligibility. I now have the medical package though. I guess there's another appointment I need to make.


My appointment with my tdoc was okay. We talked about how I'm too hard on myself. I said, ya, well I don't like myself. Also according to her I "haven't eaten in 5 days" I don't even care to hide it. I said yes I've eaten. She said that much isn't eating.


In both my d/c and tdoc appointments my fear and anxiety was attributed to my assault in Ottawa. I agree with that.


My tdoc attributes my shaking to not eating, but I know the difference between fear/anxiety and not eating shakes.


Both groups are okay. At the SA group I cried again this week before introductions even were finished. The topic his week was self care, but for that to happen you have to believe "I am worthy" and I don't.


I tried to drink my troubles away and of course that didn't work.


An interesting thing, my tdoc said that she and my pdoc had been wondering about getting me tested for ADD. She asked if anyone had ever said that I was or might be. I said no. Concentration has not been a problem until much more recently (HS at least), and she said it would have appeared before then. Plus I know it's episodic and connected to my cycles.


Well I've gone on way too long already.


Bye.

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co-cl of the Self-Injury board


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Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 3:02pm

Hi Amanda,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 4:21pm

Thank you Lori, I'm surviving.


A further update:


I had my pdoc appointment today. I told her that I was really anxious and using a lot of ativan (rx'd by my family dr) and she took it away from me. She seems to think I have a tendency to get addicted to things. I am so freaking out about that. I want my ativan. It really helps my panic attacks. I figure that I am just having a rough time and will go back to using it infrequently when that subsides.


We decreased my epival to 250mg. I'm almost off of it yay! I just want to be done with it.


She added clonazepam instead of the ativan and I'm supposed to take it every day, well I don't see how that is any better than taking the ativan as needed. I think she got the impression that I was taking it more than i am. At least with ativan PRN there are some days I don't take it. (other days three times a day). So now I'm taking yet another med every day. I don't see the benefit there.


I got back my tests this week that I thought I failed and got 50 and 74% on them. I also got 19/25 on my lab assignment. Still not great but at least I didn't fail. I still am a little discouraged because I need an 80% average for teacher's college. I wrote my last midterm today. I don't know if I passed that. By now I'm sure you're saying that's what you said about the other two that you passed, but I really don't know. With the other two

Amanda