Different place and time, same problems
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| Tue, 11-08-2005 - 6:07pm |
Hi, I'm back. I stopped posting here for a few months because we moved and I thought with a new start, I could get my life together. Hah! I am so depressed right now at a low point that I can't even cry.
There is one thing that improved since I last came here- I learned to drive and got a car. I don't know if anyone here remembers me and my story, but I had a driving phobia and I was unemployed because I couldn't get to work. Well, I got a car three months ago and I can drive now. I love having the car and freedom to go anywhere.
But everything else is the same. I have no job- I can't seem to get one becuase the last time I worked was in 2004, so there's a huge gap on my resume. For the past three months, I've applied to every job out there, but no result.
DH and I had a huge fight today that triggered this wave of depression. He left the house, and I was crying alone. After that, it changed from normal sadness to this heavy feeling of pressure in my head and whole body.
Our apartment has mold in it, and we have to move. This is the second time this has happened to me. I have no energy to move.
The problem is, my life is so screwed up that to fix it requires a huge amount of energy. When I'm this depressed, I have no energy. Merely getting up is a huge effort. I know I should volunteer, but I don't know if I'd be able to help anyone since I'm so pessimistic and sad. Wouldn't I be a bad influence? For instance, I sent my phone number to a battered women's shelther to possibly be a volunteer mentor. But come on, look at me- unemployed, depressed, with an emotionally abusive husband- I don't even think they'd hire me to be a volunteer! I can see it now: "Oh thank you for your interest Ms. Blue, but your life is not exactly a role model for anyone".
I keep trying, and keep getting nowhere! The only time I'm happy is when I'm sleeping and having good dreams. For instance, last night I dreamed that I was on a date with Donald Trump, and then in another dream I was Captain Kirk of the Enterprise. (I'm a girl, so that wasn't really possible, but it was still fun.) When I wake up and start the day, it's like a nightmare. Life is a nightmare that lasts one hundred years.

Hi Blue and welcome back--although I wish you weren't feeling so badly right now...
Thanks Lori. I guess I am proud of myself for learning how to drive. The first month was very hard. But now, after three months, it's coming naturally! But everything else is a mess.
I have an interview tomarrow to be a volunteer, and I'm so scared. I hate interviewing- it seems like all I do in life is constantly try to prove myself to people. To get an apartment, we have to fill out an application and give references- and I'm scared that since I have no job, we won't get the one I want. Now I have to do an interview and application, background check, etc., to even volunteer! And of course, getting a job is more of the same. I'm sick and tired of trying to prove I deserve the basics in life- a home, a job, etc., and getting rejected every single time.
I feel like I have to give references and fill out an application to have the right to breathe, at this point. I am so tired of it all. Once you fall off the career ladder for too long, getting back on is harder than getting to the moon.
Hi Blue,
Hi Lori,
If you're looking for a job too Ivillage has a Job Seeker's Support Board.
I go there for support, and it's a great board. If you wanted to check it out too, here is the address:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/listsf.asp?webtag=iv-wdjobsupport&nav=start
Hi Blue,
Way to go on the driving. I too can't drive because I am afraid. I drove for a few months but was having panic attacks so that didn't last long.
As Lori said, hold on to that success.
I wish you the best of luck in your interview.
co-cl of the Self-Injury
Hi Schitz,
I also had panic attacks while driving, and some near accidents becuase I paniced. But this time, it was different- probably because I had no choice. I have no bus or public transportion in my new town, so I have to drive or be totally stranded.
The worst part was learning to drive on the highway- it was terrifying. Everything was going way too fast for my brain. But after about two months, my brain started to adjust.
I hope you have public transportation, becuase I know how frusterating it can be.
Blue,
Yes I do have public transportation and rely on it heavily. THank goodness my bus pass is included in my tuition. I hope one day to be able to get to where you are, but right now I'm just too scared and unstable. THankfully the panic attacks aren't as bad as they were during the time I was driving. I really don't know what's changed.
co-cl of the Self-Injury