Purpose/life ramblings (poss trigger?)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Purpose/life ramblings (poss trigger?)
5
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 10:57pm

Hi, I hope everyone here is all right...I was doing OK for a while, but kind of crashed some a few days ago, both emotionally and physically (migraine and stomach troubles are back again). Same story as always ("what am I doing with my life" issues), so I won't bore you by repeating it.

But I wanted to pose a related question if it's OK. I'd been thinking about this after seeing a quote by George Washington Carver: "No individual has any right to come into the world and go out of it without leaving behind him distinct and legitimate reasons for having passed through it."

And this evening I was talking with a friend who is very driven and philosophical about wanting to make a real difference in the world, to make something happen that wouldn't happen without him, if that makes sense. Since without that, it seems like we are very replaceable...e.g. if I didn't do a particular job or task, someone else would, and they would do it very similarly.

My recent (kind of cynical) philosophy has been that yes, we are all basically replaceable in the larger scheme of things, but that we each do what little things we can in the best way that we can...and that that, in some tiny way, makes a difference.

But this friend of mine was talking about "networking" and making connections to gain access to all possible opportunities...and figuring out the best and most efficient use of our time and energy...and even he admitted it all seemed kind of like a game. I'm so socially anxious that networking is the last thing on my mind...and I guess I just don't care enough about pursuing opportunities.

Anyway, sorry, I'm rambling and way off track as always. My main thought was, even when I'm not really depressed, I'm living very half-heartedly...I'm not particularly fascinated by anything or inspired to do anything beyond what is required. And this quote I mentioned made me realize that if I were to die today, I wouldn't have had any reason for "passing through" the world.

What caused me to crash most was a practice session I had interviewing and examining a patient in the hospital. It went OK...actually not very well (I feel like the only reason the doctor in charge told me I did well was that he seemed to be very subtly flirting with me!). But you know the story...I felt panicked, out of place, not wanting to be there...whereas other students described their interviews as a fun glimpse into what our lives will be like later on.

My overwhelming thought was "I just can't do this"...and I got myself into such a panic last night that I was hyperventilating and only managed to calm down a bit with medication. OK, so I did re-tell the whole story, my apologies...maybe I should get an online journal or something so that I quit bothering you all with the same issues over and over again, lol!

But it helped to get it out...I just don't know what to do, as always...too late to quit, but can't seem to go on...I called my psychologist to see if she could meet, but no reply (she's really busy)...so I guess I'll try to get back to studying and focus on that as much as I can.

Thanks again for letting me vent...hope you all are having a good (or at least decent) night.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 12:58pm

Hi Rosa,

Do you remember me? I used to post here, and things are at another low point with me, so I'm back.

I think that quote is b-s. No one has a right to come into the world without doing certain things? Excuse me, since when do babies choose to come into the world or have any say whatsoever in it? What kind of logic is that?

As far as no one has a right to leave the world without passing some test, well plenty of people have no say in that either. What about people who get hit by a car, or in a plane crash, or die young? I doubt they had much impact on the world beyond their immediate friends and family, through no fault of their own.

I hope you realize I'm angry at the quote, not at you. I think it sets standards so high that 98% of the population would fail it. I agree with you that the little things make the most difference. Such as hugging a friend, adopting a pet, etc.

As far as med school, I'm impressed that you are trying it since it's a huge challenge. Could I suggest that maybe you get so nervous becuase you take it seriously, which may make you a better doctor in the end. Whereas, the other students who seem so confident, maybe it's because they're not as focused on doing a perfect job on each task, as you might be. I think if you could find a balance and go more toward the middle, not trying to be perfect but still caring and trying hard, you'd be an incredible doctor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 3:36pm

Hi Rosa,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 7:05pm

Rose,


Vent all you like. It's good to hear from you. You are right, it is the little things that make a difference and I'm sure all the little things add up to a huge difference that you've made in this world without even knowing it.


I'm sure that if he said you did well at your practice interview then you did.


Keep on doing those little things that make the world go round.

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co-cl of the Self-Injury

Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 11:12am

Thank you all very much...you've given me a lot to think about and some different ways of looking at things. I really appreciate it! :)

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Sat, 11-12-2005 - 7:03pm
Any time you want to vent, you know you can. Lots of love and hugs.
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co-cl of the Self-Injury

Amanda