Been awhile didn't think i'd be back

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Been awhile didn't think i'd be back
3
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 3:06pm
I have to keep this brief since I have no home computer now and am at work (supposed to be working!).
I haven't felt bad in a bit--but lately it's coming back. SI is very much in my thoughts, but I would have to chose a place where it wouldn't be seen--I guess I expose more than I thought! small grin
I don't want to think this way! I want to be the confidant person that's hiding in the corner of me, she just won't come out! I am tired of feeling so worthless, yet at the same time I know I AM NOT worthless. Perhaps, it is just from overuse--I feel my worth is all used up.
I reflected on how I haven't been able to keep a friend since forever--nothing seems to last beyond a few years---the longest friend was my ex-boyfriend--and now I'm doubly miserable since I have once and for all stood up for myself and told him enough's enough already. It was all give on my part--and him all take and empty promises. Lots of love but empty promises. You just can't do that to people, especially not like us on the edge.
Anyway, duty calls. And I'm sorry I can't help anyone else--having too much trouble w/ me!
Any online hugs would be much appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 3:25pm

Sending {{{{{Akgrlathrt}}}}} hugs your way.... So good to "see" you again---though I'm sorry you are struggling with self harming thoughts right now. I hope you find (as I did) that work keeps it at bay--at least some, because of that fear of "what if people see/notice and I lose my job?" Not the best reason in the world not to self injure but hey, we take what works sometimes!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 6:57pm
Haven't been to someone yet. It has been discussed more and more lately, as my sister-in-law is going to counseling(for other things) and she has been trying to convince me more and more that I need to allow myself to heal--and that sometimes means that I need to depend on other people to help make that happen. I'm just real scared that I'll get committed (a common fear I know) but I just have trouble reaching out. So many people have betrayed me, it just seems impossible to look for help from a stranger. I do have a coworker that I like doing things with, but she has soo many other things going on in her life, not to mention more friends and a twin sister, that I am too small a piece. I did talk w/ her and she did acknowledge that she's been kinda ignoring her friends due to her own personal things but she is trying to work on that. Only other friend I have doesn't want to be friends in a more detailed way--ie going out and doing stuff, talking for hours about everything. I guess I miss the simpler life, friends lived for friends because that's all we had. Some of us grow up and move on, have children get married--and some of us just sit and rot and wish things could be better. The sick thing is I make plans, but I get so afraid that my plans will get destroyed like the many times before when I've made them--I know I'm suffocating myself with my terror and I can't seem to stop--that I just have stopped making plans. But living in the moment isn't working when my moments aren't so great anyway.
Got to go--failing my company by not working like a good employee.
Thank you so much for the hugs Lori-----I just wish I could feel them as much as I need to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 6:59pm

(((((hugs)))) and welcome back.


I'm sorry to hear that you have SI on your mind.


Keep working toward that confident girl in the corner of your mind. Don't let go of that dream.


I'm sorry I'm not much help but sending lots of hugs your way.

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co-cl of the Self-Injury

Amanda