really upset, thinking about giving up
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| Thu, 12-15-2005 - 1:41pm |
I just got off the phone with the management company for my condo. I bought my condo in March, moved in in April and now they hare issuing a special assessment. They want me to pay $8,000. I don't have to pay it now (the numbers aren't finalized) but I am really upset. I feel like this is completely unfair, especially since when I was buying the place, they told me they did not forsee any special assessments, and the special assessment they're issuing is to fix somethign that they've known about for a long time (I was screwed, basically). Anyway, this isn't so much about the assessment, that is only the trigger that got me going today.
After I got off the phone, I became very angry and depressed (stil am). I'm just sitting here wondering, what the hell is the point of my life? Sure, $8,000, it is just money. I used to see those wall street types that would commit suicide when their scandals were unfolding and think that they were over reacting because it's "only money." I don't feel that way anymore.
All I have in my life is my job and my condo. I have a boyfriend, but our relationship is superficial. I hate the way I look, I have absolutely no friends. I don't even enjoy my job. I feel like my entire life is about going to a job I don't like to earn money to pay for a condo that I don't like. I wanted to remodel my place, but that isn't going to be possible since I don't ever forsee having enough money to do it. But, I was okay until the boat was rocked. Now, needing to work more and pay even more for this place I don't like has me questioning my entire life.
I guess I just don't see the point in living anymore. I don't know what it is I am staying alive for? It is certainly not my relationships since I don't have a single one that isn't entirely disfunctional. It's not my social life since I have none. It isn't my condo because I hate that place and I don't even want to go back there at the end of the day (I found a dead mouse on my floor just last night, nice, huh?). It's not my physical self, because I have hated my body ever since the third grade. It's nothing, nothing I can put my finger on, anyway.
I feel like, sure, a couple people would be sad if I were gone, but not that many. I watch "It's A Wonderful Life" and it depresses me because I know that if I were never here the world wouldn't be even slightly different.
Lately, I have just been feeling a lot of pain and anger. Pain from my childhood sexual abuse, anger at my current situation and powerlessness. I just don't see why I am going through all of this. When is it going to get better. I have been seeing a therapist, but it hasn't really changed anything.
Argh, I just want to give up. I have no one to turn to. I hate this.

Neatnclean,
I've felt the same way many times. However, I keep plodding on. Awhile ago, I realized that if I had to give my life a theme, it would be "endurance", because it feels like every single day is a test and a misery.
However, I also realized that if I'm considering suicide, I might as well try all other options first. Such as, suing the condo company for lying to you. Such as, quitting your job you don't like and traveling around the world until you run out of money. Sometimes just considering fantasies like that are enough to get me through another day. Sometimes I realize my life would be better off if I actually DID it.
And now you have someone to turn to- everyone on this board.
Hi Neatnclean and welcome to the board. I'm glad you found us--though I do wish you weren't going through all that you are dealing with!
hi neatnclean,
welcome to the board.
I am sorry to hear that so much is going on right now. You are right that sometimes this stuff doesn't bug us until it builds up and that one little thing makes everything seem bad. If you don't like where you are in life you've got nothing to lose trying to change it. Take it in little steps. Take an assessment of your life. Fantasize about where you would like to be and then HOW to make it happen. What is it that would make you happy? What would be fun? Don't forget to take time for you!
Hugs,
co-cl of the Self-Injury