Suicide Plan Is Consuming Me: It's Weird

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2005
Suicide Plan Is Consuming Me: It's Weird
13
Sun, 12-18-2005 - 5:50am

Hi To Everyone,

I have not been on this site in a long time, but something brought me back here. I have been totally consumed with my suicide plan and I am actually afraid of myself. My psychiatrist and therapist both know that hospitalization is not the answer in my situation as I already know of too many ways to end my life in the hospital. That is like giving me permission to kill myself. I don't know what is going on in my head, and I did not know until this time last year that I was bipolar. My therapist of 7 years never caught that. I'm a rapid cycler, suffer from major depression, PTSD due to sexual abuse as a child and adult, I have full blown DID, along with your regular anxiety disorders. I have had several losses recently, but I have a great therapist, finally, for just over a year now. We have a great relationship, and he trusts me when it comes to keeping myself safe because I always have since I have been seeing him. But something is going on in my head and I can't think for all the racing thoughts, no sleep, no food, and I don't even want to go anywhere. My mind just keeps running the plan over and over in my head. I can't seem to stop it. I don't want to dissociate and end up doing something that I am not fully aware I am doing and screw up. I am not a kid, so you would think I would be able to make a rational decision regarding all of this, but I function with the mentality of a 15 year old. That makes it more complicated. I'm sorry I am telling all of you this, but I don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to cut, or burn, that's a kick in the tail and doesn't make you feel any better except in the moment. Does anyone have any thoughts about this situation? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. I love my therapist to death, but I just can't call him about this right now. I have to make it to Tuesday, and I am afraid I won't even with our agreement in place. Anyway, I'm really messed up right now, so if anyone has any suggestions, I would be more than grateful. I need somewhere to go to get some feedback. I ended up back here, and I am thankful for that. Thanks for your time and patience with me. I'm really struggling. "Stupid" KP...That is an ongoing joke between me and my therapist regarding my user name. It's all in fun...I guess that is one positive thing. Take care everyone.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2005
Sun, 12-18-2005 - 12:05pm

CALL YOUR THERAPIST, YOU PROMISED HIM THAT YOU WOULD STAY SAFE, and you HAVE to keep your end of the bargain. CALL.

I'm worried about you. I don't know you, and I am worried about you. Does that tell you something? That would tell me that, wow, someone I don't know CARES about me and wants me to stay safe.

Please, CALL... SOMEONE... just make that call, it sounds very crucial right now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Sun, 12-18-2005 - 6:37pm

Hi and welcome to the board (or, welcome back as the case may be)! I'm sorry you are struggling so badly right now but glad that you reached out for help!


What impresses me about your post immediately is your insight. You seem to know (through experience, no doubt) what helps in your situation as well as what would be unhelpful and that is a HUGE plus! Also, it seems like you are working hard at staying safe and trying to get past the betrayals and trauma in your past and that says a lot about you and the courage and strength you have--congrats on that!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2005
Sun, 12-18-2005 - 8:05pm

That's what my IOP is based on! Dialectical Behavioral Therapy! I even emailed Dr. Linehan... hoping to get a response someday, lol.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Sun, 12-18-2005 - 10:53pm

hi welcome back to the board.


I hope that you will call someone when you need to or go to the hospital if things get that bad.


stay safe,

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co-cl of the Self-Injury

Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2005
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 12:38am

Hi Vida,

I appreciate you reinforcing the fact that I have to keep my end of the bargain with my therapist. I have so far, and today was not the easiest of days, but it was better. I don't know if it is that I have been wanting and needing to come back here or not, but after I posted my issue, I felt so much better. And now that I have read a few replies, I feel much better. So, thank you very much for your kind words. I don't think people really know just how much of a difference they can make with just a few words of encouragement. That is not to say that I am not still struggling at the present time, but I do have things in place to make sure I don't jump the track. So, thanks for helping me not get derailed. KP a.k.a. Kid Penguin...I can't believe my therapist stuck me with that nickname!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2005
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 2:06am

Hi Lori,

Thanks for your reply and comments regarding the insight you say I have due to my own experiences. I am one of those individuals who went through far too many therapists before ending up with one who, IMO, knows me better than I know myself! That's scary just thinking about it. However, having been through so many therapist and psychiatrist, I learned how I needed to approach my issues in therapy and the type of therapist who specialized in my issues and would not play 20 questions and send me out the door. It may have taken me about 8-9 years of therapy to find a therapist that I along with my psychiatrist and a couple of members on his staff knew would be a good fit for me. I am always saying I wasted those 8-9 years of getting nowhere in my therapy and even having diagnoses missed. However, because I never really felt I was getting anywhere in my therapy, I did a lot of reading and researching on my own. It amazed me at times when I would know more about a particular issue than my therapist. I thought that was a little off base and felt I could have sat in their position and done the same job and made money instead of paying for me to give out information. I try to do what I can on my own along with what my therapist and I do, but he also incorporates any information, such as books, workbooks, personal journals, even articles I may come across into my treatment. I finally feel like I am not just being told what I need to do and don't need to do, but I have a say in how we work within my treatment plan. Not everything always fits, but it's better to ask and find out why and how, or why not. Because I am a visual learner, prefering to have something to actively do during the week for my therapy, my therapist decided to give me homework assignments to complete before each session. This has worked really well, especially with things I just can't seem to get through. This brings me to what you mentioned in the latter part of your reply.

DBT. Yes, I do know what Dailectical Behavioral Therapy is, and my therapist is trained in DBT. I have Linehan's Workbook, and it drives me crazy. You mention the emotional mind and the wise mind...I seem to only grasp the rational mind. I do tend to have quite a bit of difficulty with MINDFULNESS! This has baffled me so bad that my therapist said we were going to leave it alone for a little while. While DBT is normally done in a group setting, since my therapist is trained in DBT and I do not do very well in groups for a number of reasons, we have structured the DBT to work for me on an individual basis. He is well trained in DBT and said it could be done, and I would probably be more receptive to the concepts and ideas. So far, so good. As a matter of fact, last year we discussed the idea of me needing a more intensive program, like a residential program. My parents had always been opposed to the idea because there are no such programs here in my area. This meant going out of state, and my therapist knew of some great programs. My parents finally agreed, but most of the programs would not accept me because I did not have a substance abuse problem along with an emotional problem, or the program just did not seem to be what my therapist felt was in my best interest. So, I ended up at one of the better known residential facilities, and it was a bit anxiety provoking. I spent 4 weeks in Boston at the McLean Institute which strictly follows Marsha Linehans DBT guide. Hence, I have the workbook and can use all the worksheets which were provided to us in the program. My therapist has it, as well. Needless to say, going to Boston when you have never been anywhere in the US except the city you were born in and a few neighboring states, caused a fair amount of anxiety. Although I did live in Germany for 5 years and traveled all over Europe...not a military brat, either. I know that is coming! LOL I would have no car like most of the individuals in the program who lived close enough to drive daily, or lived only a couple of hours away so they drove and had their car. I don't think driving from Atlanta to Boston would have been a good idea. It made it a lot of fun, though. We were able to come and go as we wanted once we were finished with the groups we had for the day. So, I got to jump on the "T" and tour Boston, even spent the day at Fenway Park. That was quite an experience for me. I'm not going to say the program was the greatest, because in several of the groups you had too many people and trying to go over the material and complete an assignment during the group, or request time in the group to talk just could not be done effectively to meet everyone's needs. And I am one of those individuals when I ask for time, I know it is my responsibility to step up and take it, and a lot of people wouldn't. I cannot sit in a group where people ask for time and will not take it when the whole purpose of me and them being there is to take time, get feedback, and to hear other individuals stories and learn something from their experiences. When it was silent in a group for more than 5 minutes, regardless of whether or not I had requested time, I would bring up something that was bothering me. The groups are only 45 minutes, you don't have time to just sit there if you are there to get help. But that is just my opionion. I hope you do not know anyone who works in the Women's Residential Treatment Pogram at McLean! LOL

You also mentioned thought stopping. My therapist and I have been working on this for just a short time, and being ADHD and Bipolar along with DID, it is a very difficult thing to do. My mind races constantly. I tend to get so far ahead of myself with my thoughts that I cannot even tell my therapist what all is going on at times. And he does not and will not do your work for you. If he asks me a question and I look at him to give me the answer, he just gives me a hard time and tells me he has done his therapy he is just guiding me on my journey through therapy. It drives me nuts. And thought stopping is one of our big problem areas. I never seem to be able to come up with anything to use when I am having intrusive thoughts. I feel so stupid...although I know I am not, and my therapist says that is a big part of the problem. He is constantly telling me to quit thinking. He says I need to get out of my head. I am a very curious individual and I get bored extremely quick, so I am constantly trying to find something to read about or learn about and it brings up so many different things that relate to different issues I have. My therapist says I need to focus on one thing at a time, and when I accomplish what I have set out to do, we will move on to the next issue. He said he noticed I would become more dissociative when attempting to process several issues at once. I'm too easily distactable, so this is where the homework assignments came in. Each session I have an assingment to complete regarding whatever issue we are working on. We process that assignment and anything else that may surface around the issue, and then he will take my chart...this is my own personal chart that I keep for myself with my daily schedule, handouts, notes, and other things and he will write the date on the note sheet in the front and write out my assignment based on where we are with the issue I am working on. This is great because he looks at it and makes notes on it, or has me write other things down that are helpful, and I always have something to refer back to if I have something come up around that issue before I am to see him again. I really like how this has been working.

As you can obviously tell I can write far too much, but I am a writer and I do apologize for the lengthy response to yours. I found it interesting that you picked up on so many things that most people do not. So, I appreciate your reply and the comments within. I am invested in overcoming my past, and unfortunately the first 8-9 years did not help me in any significant way. But I have a therapist now that goes the extra mile, and I have made more progress in just over the last year with him than the previous 8-9 years. He makes therapy fun, but takes it very seriously if that makes sense. He does not look at the clock and when those 45 minutes are up cut you off and send you out the door. He will not stop until he feels his patient is at a good stopping point, even if it means he runs behind by an hour or even two hours. Everyone I know who sees him say they don't mind him running behind because he is there for the patient and 45 minutes is not always practical. I like the fact that one of the first things he told me was that he was there for me, and I was not there for him. It's my therapy and I get to choose what I need to work on with him as my guide. I am grateful to have him as my therapist, and now I am even more grateful that I came back to this board. Again, sorry for the lengthy post, but now you know quite a bit about me, probably more than you want to know, but I just want to get better. Thanks for your time, and if you make it this far...you patience! 8*) KP

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 2:29pm

Hi KP,

A lot of times sucicidal thoughts get obsessive for me too, and it's either that or planning my will that gets stuck in my head. It's like getting a song stuck in your head, you can't get rid of it by trying, becuase the more you try, the more you think about it!

When things get really bad, I try to find something to focus and obsess over that isn't harmful. At one of my old apartments, the tree outside my window cast a shadow on my wall on nights when the moon shone. I would watch the shadow move as the wind rustled through the tree until I almost got into a trance. Where I live now, our heater makes a lot of noise when the heat turns on. Sometimes I concentrate on the noise and let it push me into a trance or help me fall asleep. It sonds crazy, but when the mind is determined to obsess over something, sometimes all you can do is choose what to obsess over.

By the way, if you like penguins, did you see March of the Penguins? That is a good movie for penguin lovers or animal lovers. Those poor creatures have such hard lives, but they keep on marching. Which is all we can do, sometimes. But maybe it's enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 1:58am

Hi,

Thanks for your reponse to my post. Today was extremely difficut, but when I read your reply I couldn't agree with you more on most of what you had to offer. The only thing I know I should not do when the thoughts get so out of control is to focus on something different and let it push me into a trance like state. I am D.I.D. and that is something I have to be very cautious about. I have done that before thinking it was what I needed to do to get away from the negative thoughts, but when I try to take myself somewhere else I end up dissociating and have lost several hours at a time and when I would get grounded again I would find that I had done things like cutting, or burning. Self-Harm really becomes an issue with that idea. I have worked to control moving into that frame of mind and work withsomething else. I seem to be doing okay since my first post, although I did call my therapist and I have not heard from him since last Thursday. It is very unusual for him not to return calls, so that has me a little on the edge. I have my appointment with him tomorrow, thank goodness and I still have some of my homework to finish up. But you are right, the thoughts are like having a song in your head that you just cannot seem to get rid of. It will drive you nuts...not that I'm not already nuts, but it is an awful feeling. But I do appreciate your feedback. It's nice to hear what other people have tried and found to work for them. It's really cool how some things work great for one person and just don't fit for another. The human mind is a real piece of artwork.

And as for March Of The Penguins, yes, I have it on DVD...the widescreen edition. Penguins are so adorable and they definitely have a rough life. It does help you put thing in perspective, too. I know there are a lot of people worse of than I am, and I can only hope that they get the help they need. But I also believe that no one's pain is any more or less than any other individual's. It's all how we deal with it, and like the penguins, you are correct, we have to just keep marching ahead and eventually things will get better. I just want to know how long it takes! LOL Again, thanks for your comments.

Take care, "Stupid" KP the Kid Penguin

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 1:02pm

Hey there, KP,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 3:44pm

Oops, I guess if you have D.I.D. my advice won't work, I'm sorry about that! Like you said, one person's defence is another person's trigger. You never know.

And Lori and KP- I, too, am a writer at heart. That's why I'm here so often. It's the only writing I do these days. I wanted to write my autobiography, but what would I write?

December 1: Slept ten hours. Spent rest of the day meditating on how my life sucks.

December 2: Sleep twelve hours. Added two rejection letters to my collection, at this rate I'll be retiring before I get a job.

December 3: Going for a world record, slept for fourteen hours! Fought with DH and packed bags, then realized I have no where to go and no money to go there. Woo hoo! Another banner day.

My life is not exactly inspiring.




Edited 12/20/2005 3:50 pm ET by bluerains

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