Suicide Plan Is Consuming Me: It's Weird
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| Sun, 12-18-2005 - 5:50am |
Hi To Everyone,
I have not been on this site in a long time, but something brought me back here. I have been totally consumed with my suicide plan and I am actually afraid of myself. My psychiatrist and therapist both know that hospitalization is not the answer in my situation as I already know of too many ways to end my life in the hospital. That is like giving me permission to kill myself. I don't know what is going on in my head, and I did not know until this time last year that I was bipolar. My therapist of 7 years never caught that. I'm a rapid cycler, suffer from major depression, PTSD due to sexual abuse as a child and adult, I have full blown DID, along with your regular anxiety disorders. I have had several losses recently, but I have a great therapist, finally, for just over a year now. We have a great relationship, and he trusts me when it comes to keeping myself safe because I always have since I have been seeing him. But something is going on in my head and I can't think for all the racing thoughts, no sleep, no food, and I don't even want to go anywhere. My mind just keeps running the plan over and over in my head. I can't seem to stop it. I don't want to dissociate and end up doing something that I am not fully aware I am doing and screw up. I am not a kid, so you would think I would be able to make a rational decision regarding all of this, but I function with the mentality of a 15 year old. That makes it more complicated. I'm sorry I am telling all of you this, but I don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to cut, or burn, that's a kick in the tail and doesn't make you feel any better except in the moment. Does anyone have any thoughts about this situation? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. I love my therapist to death, but I just can't call him about this right now. I have to make it to Tuesday, and I am afraid I won't even with our agreement in place. Anyway, I'm really messed up right now, so if anyone has any suggestions, I would be more than grateful. I need somewhere to go to get some feedback. I ended up back here, and I am thankful for that. Thanks for your time and patience with me. I'm really struggling. "Stupid" KP...That is an ongoing joke between me and my therapist regarding my user name. It's all in fun...I guess that is one positive thing. Take care everyone.

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Hey Lori,
That is pretty cool that you are a writer, too. I want to right a book about my experience with all facets of my abuse and how it affected me as a child by not telling anyone, but how it caused other problems as I became an adult. It's amazing what all you can find to put into a book when you have experienced any type of trauma such as many of us have. And the really cool thing is that the first person I told was my German professor in college as he noticed my grades going from A's to D's and I was fluent in German, and his wife was a highschool English teacher who previously worked for a publishing company and offered her assistance if I ever decided to take that step. But since I am really just starting to deal with my abuse on a much deeper level than just telling different therapist that I was sexually abused and none of them ever explored how I felt...which at that time I couldn't even identify feelings (a foreign concept to me) much less how it had affected me and was affecting me, I don't think now is the right time. The therapist I have now has knocked my wall down and has started slowly discussing things that I experienced in detail. It is so hard, but he knows when things are getting too intense for me and feels or notices I'm starting to dissociate. So, now that we work on this at a very slow pace, and I mean if we went any slower, we would be in reverse, I am trying to keep things written down that are extremely significant and I have asked him to help me with pursuing this one day. I think it is so cool that you are working on your book. I need to get to a better place and know that when I do start to write about it, I'm going to be okay should anything trigger me. I am not at that point yet.
As for you going from Maine to California for a treatment program, I can imagine that was a little scary for you. I mean east coast to west coast? Whoa...that's extreme. Although my therapist recommended 3 or 4 treatment programs out there that he knew of, but they wouldn't accept me. I'M A REJECT! All because I did not have a dual diagnoses. I asked my therapist if he wanted me to develop a drinking problem so it would make things easier. He wanted to know easier on who? He told me I was enough trouble for him with what I was already dealing with...of course he was joking around with me. That's why I like him so much. So California was out for me. If you don't mind telling, what treatment facility was it? I am just wondering if it is one my therapist mentioned. Anyway, as for being scared going from Maine to California...I can see that. What I can't understand is why I was so anxious about going to Boston from Atlanta which is only a 17 hour drive and a 2 hour flight. I am basing this on the fact that I grew up living in Germany for 5 years. I left Atlanta in the 2nd grade and came back in the 7th grade. I was 3000 mile across the ocean in a foreign country with only my parents. The friends I knew when I left were not my friends when I came back. It was cool for about a month because everyone wanted to know what it was like living there especially not being military and having to live in a German community and not on the military base with other Americans. Those were my developmental years and my friends, as well, so their little cliques had already been formed. I loved living in Germany...wished we had not moved back when we did, but to think about living 3000 miles away from our entire family and enjoying it and then being extremely anxious about going to Boston for 4 weeks? I don't know what my problem was, but it was one of the best things I could have done, thanks to my therapist. It really helped me open up more with him. So yeah, I know about the scary part of it, too. But if I had to do it again, I would.
And thanks for putting up with me here, especially with the content of my original post. I saw my therapist today and we discussed a lot of things I was going through right now, and how bad I felt starting this past Friday. I told him I came back to this board after not being here for a long time just hoping to find a way to get things out, as I have no friends, and he was glad that I did. Suicide is a very serious problem for me, and I take it very seriously now more than I ever have. And that is because I have a therapist I know cares about my well-being, and not because he is a therapist and that is what he is supposed to do. He is a very genuine person, and therapist. I hope I can offer others support around dealing with suicide, as I know I have received some wonderful support getting through this past weekend. You guys kept me from dwelling on my plan for suicide. And I thank all you guys for that. I know it is going to hit me again, as it does just about every day...it's just with what intensity it hits me. So, you may find several posts since I get triggered very easily. It's like I am always walking on the edge...but I have to continue to talk about it and reach out. I hope you guys are okay with that.
Take care,
"Stipid" KP...actually I do have a real name, but since my therapist gave me the nickname KP for Kid Penguin it has been a running joke. So, to be honest with you my actual name is...guess?...just kidding...it's Lisa, but I prefer "KP" because it fits! LOL
Hey, there is no need to apologize at all. I just came back to this board after a long while and I don't know everyone's issues, so how could you possible know all of mine unless I have told you. I thought the advice you offered was great and I appreciated it, but like my therapist has always told me with things he tells me to try, take what works and fits for you and what doesn't, throw it out the window. The fact that you offered me your support with things that you have had work for you or know have worked for others was the most important thing to me. I want you to hear that, and hear how much I truly appreciated it.
I also think that it is cool that you are a writer, too. You said you wanted to write an autobiography, but you didn't know what you would write. When I started journaling, it was really weird. I found that when I would start to write about a specific experience, it wasn't just writing a paragraph or a page about the experience. It came out in the form of poetry, of all things. I always hated writing, even though I did very well at it in school, but this was a shock to me. I let my uncle read some things I had written when I was living with him while working on my medical assisting degree. One day he gave me this form out of the paper here in Atlanta about submitting a piece of poetry in a contest. I thought he was nuts, well he was, but that is another story, so I had him choose one of my pieces to submit and he did. It ended up being published. I didn't receive any money for it or anything, which I didn't care about that anyway. I was writing because it was what I needed to express. I continued doing this, and still do to this day. I have had numerous pieces published. You never know where it can lead you.
Now, to say you don't know what you would write about, well, I have to say if you have been through some major trauma, you are filled with numerous things to write about. Now, you listed 3 dates below with a sentence or two about how your day went and meditated on why your life sucks. Hmm...why did you do the things you did that day? What were you feeling that prompted you to do what you did,why does your life suck, and what is the story behind you sleeping 10, 12, or possibly a world record 14 hours? You added 2 rejection letters to your collection. There has to be something behind this, too. So I want to understand why you say you don't know what to write about, because although you just put out a few sentences about 3 days, I know there is some underlying issue that prompted you to write down what you did. With that being said, I'm wondering if you are subconciously avoiding having to deal with the pain you obviously have experienced, and only write down enough to remind yourself you have been through some difficult stuff. I would love to have you expand on what you wrote for each of these 3 days. It's obvious there is a lot of pain and sadness behind the statements you wrote. So to say your life is not exactly inspiring, well I have to say, NOPE, try again. Maybe how you perceive what you have written down is not inspiring to you, but whatever the underlying currents are below each statement could be very inspiring. I love to hear other people tell their stories, because you learn a lot about how others deal with very similar things and some very different things, and it never fails that I learn something new by listening to someone, or reading something they have written. If you are writing what you feel inside and how it relates to things that put you in that place, what you write could make a big difference in people's lives. And even if you only touch one person's life, then you have been an inspiration to them and they are likely not going to forget it. Don't sell yourself short. You obviously have a lot to offer...go for it, you have nothing to lose. And if you ever want to talk about writing things let me know. I will be more than happy to talk about it with you. Sometimes that helps both people. Just a thought...if you want to, that's cool and if not, that's cool, too. Remember, you're a writer at heart...listen to that and see where it can take you.
"Stupid" KP a.k.a. Lisa
Yet another thing we seem to have in common---you were given the nickname "Kid Penguin"--and I COLLECT penguins! LOL! I've got stuffed penguins, ceramic penguins, a penguin bank, penguin sweater, singing penguins, and even penguin salt and pepper shakers--to name a few--lol!
Nope, don't mind at all telling you where I went for treatment--although, to my knowledge it has since gone bankrupt! It was called "Adult Survivors of Child Abuse" (a.k.a. ASCA) and it was in Bellwood Health Center in Bellflower, California. They were very good....in some ways kind of retreat like. We had Tai Chi or meditation in the morning if we chose to participate, massage therapy a few times a week, psychodrama, educational groups on trauma, individual and group therapy, even field trips to area restaurants and Knott's Berry Farm (it's a huge amusement park) if you can believe it! They had a built in swimming pool at the treatment center and so we could swim on weekends..... a high quality program!
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