I can't get a job!
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| Tue, 12-20-2005 - 1:34pm |
At this point, there is only one thing keeping me suicidal and thus on this board. But that one thing is ruining my entire life. I can't get a job, and after looking for over a year, I don't think I ever will. I have no references anymore- because mine were called nine million times for all the jobs I applied for and didn't get. They probably all hate me.
And I know that when companies see that long gap on my resume, they eliminate me. The longer I am unemployed, the worse I look.
I feel so worthless without a job, and I'm bored out of my mind too. I apply and apply, but I don't have many skills and the long gap on my resume makes them throw my resume in the trash.
I tried volunteering, and really don't like it. It's as hard as a job, except you don't get paid! I hoped I could get a reference out of it, but my supervisor (and the only person I worked for) quit without telling me, and she did not leave me her new phone number.
Some of my friends stopped calling me because they don't know what to tell me anymore. I stopped calling other friends because they ask, "Did you find a job yet?" every single time we talk, and I'm tired of saying no. My family also asks that every time we talk, and they think I'm so lazy. I feel like everyone despises me because my husband supports me and we don't even have kids.
So many jobs ask for years of experience or skills and qualifications I don't have. I have a B.A. in English, which hasn't helped, and the last thing I want is to go back to school. In fact, I did try grad school and I dropped out because I couldn't do it. In fact, I'm beginning to think I can't do anything.
I'm very introverted, so I'd be terrible at any retail or sales job where you have to talk to people all day. I want to find a calling or something I'm good at- I'm tired of feeling inferior to everyone who has a cool job. And my life feels so pointless.
And time- everyone complains about how busy they are, my friends don't even have time to call me, but I have too much time and I'm bored. I'm not on the same wavelength with any of my friends anymore, which is probably why they drifted away.
My life is going nowhere, and probably never will. Meanwhile, it seems like everyone else has a cool, important life. I'm the laziest person on earth. My life is pointless so I might as well die.

Hi,
Please don't make any decisions right now. I can't say I know what you are going through, but I can say I know what it feels like to be in your situation, because I am in the same situation. You responded to my post about my suicidal plan consuming me...and for what I consider to be all legitimate reasons. But I know that I am not thinking rationally at this time and I need to take a step back and reassess things. I hope you will do this, if not for me and others here on the board, do it for yourself. Actually this has me a little confused right now in dealing with my own suicidal thoughts because I can relate to almost every word you said. In fact, I relate so well that my mind is racing and I cannot even think of what to say to you right now other than to keep hanging on, and if things get out of control call someone...get somewhere safe. And safe is not always the hospital...at least not for me. If you just need to have someone to be with you until you can get through this, then you have to do it. I know it is not as easy as it sounds. I've been down this road a thousand times myself, and I wish I had something better to offer you right now. Just please don't do anything before you talk to someone. I know you don't know me, and probably don't trust me, but when it comes to ending your life sometimes you have to grab hold of anything you can to get through it. I hope you stay safe and if you ever want to talk let me know. I believe you can email me from here, so if you feel the need to talk, feel free. As for now, I am running 72 hours straight with no sleep, so I don't know how much of this makes sense or if it even helps, but I hope you choose to step back and rethink things and/or talk with someone. We seem to have a lot in common, so I would love to talk with you more, but you have to stick around. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! We are all here for one another. "Stupid" KP a.k.a. Lisa
Thanks KP, and I'm not going to do anything drastic yet so don't worry. But I always wish I would just die in my sleep.
When I first came here, I think over a year ago, my past hurt a lot. But now, I feel like I've accepted most of my past and moved on (although my husband says that's denial.) Now, I really feel like if I could get a decent life in the present, I could be happy. But I can't handle life at all, it seems!
I NEVER guessed my adult life would turn out like this. I am intelligent, and got straight A's in high school and college- but at the school of life I get an F. I guess I'm one of those booksmart people who can't find their way out of a paper bag. That stereotype makes a lot of people feel superior, but it really hurts when you are that person.
Hi Bluerains,
Glad to hear you are not doing anything drastic at this point and I hope you continue to hold onto that for as long as you need. I, too, relate to wishing I would go to bed and just not wake up. But when I think about that and the anger I have, that would be too simple for me.
You mention coming to this board over a year ago with a lot of hurt from your past, but go on to say you have accepted it and moved on. I have to agree with you husband on this one. I think there is some denial, but that is only my opinion, as I don't know what your experience has been. I'm curious as to what you consider to be a decent life? For me, I have been blessed with a two wonderful parents and a brother, but not much of any extended family; however, they don't understand my illness. My Dad cannot even talk about it. He still loves me, though, as do my Mom and Brother. I never hurt for anything in life as my Dad had a very good job and I generally got the things I wanted on birthdays, Christmas, etc. Was this a decent life? Most definitely in my opinion. Was I happy? Absolutely NOT! And that is my point. Having a decent life does not mean you are going to be a happier person. Sure it may help, but until you can really deal with your past, and I'm not saying I have, it's hard to feel good about your life. I hate where I am at in life right now. But I know that I am working to get to a better place and have some ideas of things I want to come out of my experiences. You said it feels like you can't seem to handle life at all. I told my therapist once that I didn't understand my life and just couldn't handle it and all that was thrown at me. I learned a lot from his response. This is what he told me: The reason you feel you can't handle life and all that it is throwing at you is because you are not handling life...LIFE IS HANDLING YOU." I thought this was a little off the wall, but I realized that when things in my life hit me hard, I didn't want to deal with it, and thus I avoided it giving away my power to control how I felt. I realized that only I could change this. And I am still working on this. When something hits me hard, I have to make a decision to let it control me or change my response to it and take control over it. It's not easy. But as someone once said, "It's not others who create our happiness, but it is ourselves who create our happiness." My therapist put me in my place one session...well many sessions, LOL...when I would talk about how awful things were and I just didn't feel like life was worth living if I had to feel so bad. Now my therapist is very quick witted and always knows just what to say to get your attention with some of his remarks at just the right time. He said if I wanted to continue to live my life feeling miserable that was my choice, but he wasn't going to play the feeling sorry for yourself game with me. And I am not saying you are feeling sorry for yourself, by any means, and my therapist was not saying that to be mean. He used that comment to make a point. It is up to us how we choose to feel each day regardless of how life is coming down on us. I try to work on this everyday. Hopefully you can get something out of this...I don't know. I just know a lot of it has helped me. Hopefully something may help you.
I also never felt that my life would turn out as it has as an adult. Like you, I am intelligent, college educated, I have a combination of book smarts and common sense, thankfully, and I don't look at people who have booksmarts as people who "can't find their way out of a paper bag." I know it may feel that way for you, and I am know it can hurt when you are stereotyped. But I want you to hear something: other people's opinions do not create your reality. Like you said, you are an intelligent person, have been through some very difficult experiences, and you are here on this board. That tells me you want to get feeling better, and you have the ability to work through everything because you are smart. So I am offering you my encouragement and support to motivate you to continue moving forward. Don't say your stuck. You're not. You just came in for a pitstop. You mentioned your husband, talk with him during this pitstop and use him as your crew chief. Get his thoughts and ideas on things he feels may help refuel your tank and get you running better. But you have to let him know exactly how your running, because a crew chief is only as good as the driver allows him to be. So you have to be open and honest and let him know if you feel whatever he thinks might help fits for you or not. Then take off...you can do this. I can tell just by how you put things out on the table. And remember, you have my support and encouragement...so go for it, you have nothing to lose.
Take care,
"Stupid" KP a.k.a. Lisa