afraid to open an email from a SIL.....
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| Mon, 12-26-2005 - 4:11pm |
Okay... here's the poop...
Christmas Eve is spent with my family. I love it. It's emotional these days, but somehow it was so very special, even under the circumstances with my sister. We have a Lithuanian tradition of passing each other small pieces of holy bread (actually blessed host) and hugging and wishing each other a Merry Christmas. Anyway... I asked my Mom if it was okay if I gave my sister Ramune the tiniest of tiniest pieces of it. At first she was leery about it, but then when I showed her the piece she told me fine.
I went to see Ramune and gave her the small piece of holy bread on her tongue. I waited for it to melt and I saw Ramune swallow so I knew that she wasn't going to choke. I teared up, of course, a few times that night while visiting with her. At the end of the evening before eveyone left (there were about 12 of us total) we all went to my sister's room with some gifts for her and my kids helped open them and show them to her. We actually stood there and sang a couple of Christmas carols which is something that we really never do, but it was sooooooooooo special. Ramune looked like she was in pure joy, having us all together, and she even tried to "sing" with us. (Naturally, I cried.)
Anyway... back to the situation at hand. Christmas Day is spent with Alan's family and my FIL. (MIL passed away back in 1986, a year after Alan and I began dating.) I dread going there. I adore FIL, I want the kids to see him more often, but we rarely visit, which is really sad. I didn't really want to go yesterday b/c I had a feeling that SOMETHING was going to happen, that s**t was going to hit the fan in some way. (Pettiness runs very deeply in that family, and I thank God that Alan is in the neutral zone, so to speak, and poor Dad, he just keeps quiet and tolerates it.)
So... we're there, things are okay... but then as I was coming back downstairs from the bathroom I heard a commotion and things were messy. "It" hit the fan, and I've had enough of it. I decided to tell everyone to get in the living room ASAP b/c I wanted to talk to everyone. (I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I WAS GETTING THE STRENGTH TO DO THIS.) So, after about 20 minutes, everyone is in the living room, a few inlaws were in tears, and I started, not lashing out, but calmly lecturing. ME, lecturing and educating my in-laws! OMG, I think I was taken over by an alien... or something, LMAO.
I talked about how I KNOW that many people in the family have been hurt in some way or another, and that I feel very badly about it, but please, forgive and forget, let bygones be bygones, MOVE ON and GROW UP. Some of the crap that keeps being brought up at Christmas time (EVERY YEAR) is stuff that happened YEARS AGO before Alan and I even MET (we began dating in '85, remember.) So, I continued with the fact that most of the things that they are fighting over and causing trouble over are PETTY and they have to STOP IT NOW. I admitted to them, and I even said that I meant no offense to them, that I did not want to come that day, but they are my family and I DO love them. I married Alan, I'm a part of the family. But I was tired of the same old same old stuff (if you know what I mean).
I went on about their pettiness... and then decided to give them a dose of REALITY. I brought up Ramune. I reminded them that I have a sister back home, I don't know if this was her last Christmas, but that we made it the most special day ever for everyone. I reminded them that Ramune was fully functioning (besides the fact that she was mentally challenged to begin with) and now she is unable to eat/drink/move/talk/walk...etc... and that she has been on a feeding tube and oxygen for a year and a half now. I told them that we have funeral plans made for her. This is MY reality, and THEY are squabbling over NOTHING OF IMPORTANCE.
My heart was pounding... but the adrenaline was a major rush, I'll tell you that. It was really wild, I couldn't believe that I had found the strength to do this. Everyone was watching me (though I truly couldn't really look at anyone in the eye), I could tell that they were intently listening. I also, shockingly, admitted that back in October I was in the hospital, took a small OD, wanted to die.
So... I was done. I said my piece... I said I'm Done Talking Now, and got up and left the room to get something to drink. I was SHAKING.
One SIL of mine gave me a hug later. As I left the room to get the drink my FIL said AMEN... and asked everyone if they actually know what AMEN really means.
The SIL who emailed me, the one I'm afraid to open, was the main cause of last night's ruckus. (Long story, I won't go into it now.) She and her son and daughter and grandson ended up leaving soon after that, I wasn't sure if it was b/c of me...
Never did I put blame on everyone. What I actually did was to give EVERYONE somethign to think about, how they ALL have to work on letting bygones be bygones, no names were mentioned at all.
So, anyway... on the way home Alan told me that he was really impressed, he didn't hear everything I said, but he heard most of it (he had to go to the bathroom, the butthead, LOL!) and that it was awesome, what I did.
Before we left I apologized to FIL a couple of times and he told me that there was no need to apologize, they all needed to hear what I had to say.
Oh... and after everyone left, we kind of talked to FIL about something... and again, I took charge of the conversation, which I NEVER do. My BIL and SIL and their daughter and grandson live with FIL. (They had to declare bankruptcy years ago b/c of the area they lived in and had to move in with FIL, he welcomed them with open arms, he would NEVER allow any of us to be without a home.) Anyway... there is a lot of friction b/c of that (and that's part of the reason of last night's ruckus)... Some of Alan's siblings (he's the youngest of 6) feel that it's just DAD's house, that the other living there have no claim to it, and two of my SILs are going to try to kick them out after FIL dies. It's really sad. I told Dad that he needs to have ALL SIX KIDS together (without inlaws, we have nothing to do with it) and have a BIG LONG talk with them to settle everything. Yes, he has a will. But, the executor of the will is a SIL who is one of the ones not to be trusted (the one that ironically gave me a hug after my "speech"... I do like her, but I don't really trust her). I told Dad that he NEEDS to make a change in that and choose someone else, the oldest son, to carry out the duties. I even honestly told him that *J* is not to be trusted, that it's going to be VERY UGLY when it comes time to deal with the matters at hand. She is NOT going to do what he wants her to do.
So... it was a very... well... interesting Christmas Day for me. When Alan and I came home and put the kids to bed, I was still kind of shaky. I mean, I was truly in shock, the strength that I had found to say what I had to say (it had to be said YEARS ago and finally I am the one to have done it).
Last night I was so shaken up, still, and I was exhausted. Today was my day to sleep in. I had no sleeping pills on me, I ran out. Stupidly, due to my anxiety from what happened earlier that day, I took 3 Klonopin... it did help me sleep, so that was good, but I know that I can't do that again. :(
So... like, this SIL, the one who was the cause of the original prob last night sent me an email... it's entitled something like "Apology for Christmas"... I haven't opened it, I am afraid to!
Vida


I read and responded! What do you think?
Dear Vida,
I would sincerely like to apologize for yesterday, I certainly didn't mean to upset you or anyone else for that matter. I'm so sorry you had such a bad year (especially the month of October), but I'm glad you are getting the help you need. My prayers are with you.
I'm also sorry about your sister and she and your parents are always in my prayers along with Vilija.
I'm so sorry that you had to feel so bad about coming down to Dad's for Christmas, I can promise you that next year will be totally different (at least on my part).
And, lastly, I'm sorry you feel that trying to get Austin taken away by lying to CYF is stupid, petty stuff. How would you feel if it were your children?????
Take care,
*L*
Dearest *L*,
I accept your apology. Thank you very much, you have no idea what that means to me. My heart was pounding SO HARD while talking last night.
I did NOT mean to make it seem like the Austin/CYF thing was petty. That was not even in my thoughts at the time, please believe me. That is definitely NOT petty. While I do not know the whole story (nor do I want to, as I don't want to be in the middle of yet another "thing"), I do know that there were supposedly some discrepancies involved with that whole CYF business, but like I said, I don't want to know, it's NOT my business, it does not involve me. I feel badly that it happened, though.
My intention was to let everyone know that it's tiring to hear about how it's DAD's house, and DAD's house ONLY, that Chris and Jerry and Brandy and Justin don't belong there, that they have nothing to do with it. I beg to differ. Dad was kind enough to open his house to them when they were in need, as he would for ANYONE in the family. What if it were me and Alan and the kids who were living with Dad, or Joyce and Dale... or you and the kids... or Pattie and Ed? Would someone fathom saying that it's NOT "our" house even though we lived there? It's so unkind to Jerry and Chris to treat them that way, to make them feel that they are not welcome in Dad's house when THEY are the ones who are upkeeping it. They are not guests in that house, WE are. I realize that Dad and Mom had six kids... and yes, you all grew up in that house. But when you come to visit, you are technically visitors... Chris and Jerry (and Justin and Brandy are NOT, as they LIVE there).
All I hear about is when Dad passes away, some of you are going to attempt to have Jerry and Chris kicked out of the house. That is the cruelest and sickest thing I've heard.
I feel badly for Dad. He is stuck in the middle, has to tolerate some nonsensical behavior, and he doesn't say anything b/c he loves all his kids and doesn't want to hurt anyone. But you know what. DAD is the one being hurt in all of this, b/c his kids are way out of control at times. I'm sorry to sound so offensive here, but something had to be said. Not only that, telling Chris and Jerry that they don't belong in that house is very wrong as well.
I hear the same thing every Christmas over and over again, and it is time to put a stop to it. Things that were done way before Alan and I were married are still talked about. Things that were done before Alan and I even MET are still talked about. The backstabbing, the hurts. It's time to LET GO. I want to be able to enjoy Christmas Day with my in-laws rather than dread going and waiting for s**t to hit the fan. I KNEW something was going to happen last night, I just had this strange feeling. And, actually, I hate to say it, but I'm glad that something DID happen, only b/c I wanted to finally maybe put an END to it.
My speech... lecture... whatever one chooses to call it, was meant to be taken as something to think about, to remember what the holidays and family are all about. You are all lucky to have each other, but don't seem to realize that. You have your health. You are all okay. My Christmas Eve was spent wondering if Ramune will be around for the next one. Do you know how much crying I did in the past few days?
As for my October hospital stay, I wasn't planning to say anything about that, that just came out. But I'm glad that I opened up. Honesty is part of being part of a family. I wanted people to know that there are people who have it worse. I'm not saying that I have it worse... but sometimes I am desperate and sometimes I feel like I'm not a good enough mom/wife to my children and husband. After my horrible postpartum depression (which was extremely severe, as you might recall), with which I STILL have issues... I was diagnosed with major depression/anxiety, PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder -- imagine PMS times a thousand), and the newest one -- borderline personality disorder. Back in October while I was PMDD-ing I began to lash out at the children (which is what happens during that time) I felt so very guilty and I didn't want to continue doing so, so I took some extra meds. I called Staunton Clinic and spoke to a psych nurse, who was so worried, she said that maybe she should send a police officer over. I said no, I'll be okay, I really wasn't affected, but she was still concerned b/c of how much I took. She did end up calling the police and the paramedics... who took me to Sewickley Valley Hospital. Yes, I was 302'd. (No, I didn't fight it, I was tired, I just wanted help.) I spent 3 nights in the hospital.
Now I have been attending a women's intensive outpatient program every Mon-Wed-Fri from 9:30-12:30. It's been wonderful, it's been my lifesaver. I am learning how to cope better, and I'm learning skills and techniques on how to get through distressing times. In fact, I practiced a couple just last night at Dad's, that helped me get through my "speech".
Anyway... I'm rambling on here, and I'm sorry, that's what I do when I become anxious, and anxious is what I am.
I just want everyone to stop, think, and remember what family is all about. What's going to happen when Dad passes? I'm scared of losing so many of you b/c nobody seems to respect or like anyone else, the group is full of little "cliques" here and there. I don't want the whole family to fall apart b/c of things that have happened in the past that are over and done with. And, again, as for the CFS thing... I'm not involved in that, though I do know about it. Whatever happened, happened, obviously someone felt the need to make that call, they were concerned about Austin's living arrangements. Of course if someone did that to me I'd be highly upset, so I don't blame you for being so upset about it. However, dealing with it the way you are all dealing with it is NOT the answer. Fix the situation, make it peaceful again, and work on rebuilding relationships with the family. That goes for everyone. Family is family, always will be. You have to be able to love each other and get through the rough times, not be against each other and totally disagree with everyone.
My parents have been taking care of Ramune 24/7 since April '05, and before that she spent 8 months in the hospital, in a long term care hospital, and a nursing home. It hasn't been easy. A nurse comes (she's AWESOME, we adore her) 3x/week (M-W-F) and helps out as much as possible. I go to my parents' house a lot and I help out as much as I can. I have helped bathe my sister, I have washed her hair, I have helped roll her over, I have helped give her medication. Do you know how hard that is? Christmas Eve, as wonderful as it was, was highly difficult for me b/c of my sister's condition. Strokes are horrible things, HORRIBLE and CRUEL.
Yes, many things have happened in the Burnelis family that were horrible and cruel, I agree with that. But you are not decapacitated b/c of it. You are still living good lives, you are able to walk, talk, eat, move... you all have LIVES. My sister does NOT.
Again, I'm rambling, and I apologize. The more I go on, the more anxious I become. I will get off my little soapbox and stop here. I think I've said more than enough.
Love and PEACE to ALL OF YOU...
Vida
Vida,
That was very brave of you, to remind everyone of how important family is and true spirit of Christmas. It sounds like everyone was open and what you said had a large impact. I only hope that it improves the family situation, but even if it doesn't you know you tried your best.
I'm sure you said words that a lot of people there thougth, but weren't brave enough to say. They probably wanted to stand up and cheer! That was brave- and you should be proud of yourself.
Hi Vida,