I'm so scared that I will lose my sister

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2005
I'm so scared that I will lose my sister
6
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 12:37pm

Hi, My name is Emily and I'm new to this board and this discussion.  I am not sure if I'm even in the right place, because it isn't about me, it is about my sister.  Perhaps if I don't belong here you can tell me if there is a family members board.


My sister has extreme health problems that affect her everyday.  She has the most severe allergies I've ever seen in a person that isn't already dead.  She is allergic to peanuts and all peanut products which include things like Bath and Body Works and Victoria Secrets products.  She is exposed to these things continually and it is an odd month that she isn't in the ER at least once in anaphalactic shock.  She uses epi-pens to keep herself alive when she is exposed and they do their job, but she still ends up having to have major steroid doses and blood pressure and heart arethmia problems as a result of the life saving effots she endures. She is also an active alcholic which I feel is the root of most of her emotional distress but you can't tell her that.


Her employers are scronful of her allergies and think she lies and exaggerates and continues to expose her to toxins on a daily basis.  She has brought in letters form her doctor repeatedly and they still think she is lying.  She has attempted to find an attorney that can help her but noone will even schedule an appointment with her.  She has contacted the EEOC and they are taking her information but advised her to retain an attorney.  She can't quit because she desperately needs her health insurance, as her meds alone are around $1000 a month and disability and medicaid could not kick in quick enough to keep her alive.


My mother is a recovered alcholic and has been sober 24 years.  She has tried to offer solutions to my sister and my sister just rejects her, her solutions and her ideas.  She admits she is an alcoholic but isn't ready for any solutions.  I have been honest with her and told her I wish she could/would stop drinking but also have told her that I'm there for her no matter what and that I will love her no matter.


She attempted suicide about 5 years ago, by slitting her wrists, and her adult daughter found her and saved her.  She had been drinking when she attempted.  At the time she was 'recovering' from a failed relationship.  Although recovering might be a strong word.  She's been alone since then and is scornful of any man that shows her interest.  I almost see it as a self-loating thing like if they like her then there MUST be somethign wrong.  She has a weird sense of self worth, that everyone loves/lusts her, but at the same time seems to hate anyone who does.


Yesterday, she was sick and home from work, so I called to talk to her and she started being very mean to me and yelling and cussing at me.  I quickly ended the conversation as I didn't feel equipped to deal with the abuse and was "stewing" about it.  Within twenty minutes she called me back sobbing and apologizing, telling me she is as suicidal as she was back years ago.    I talked to her for about twenty minutes and she seemed better emotionally and stablized.  She is repeatedly making suicidal conversation.  Not threats as in "i'm going to do it" but "i feel suicidal".  I keep trying to remind her of the good things and have gently urged her to perhaps not drink when she is feeling her worst because it just makes it that MUCH worse...and I am even scared to say that for fear she will shut me out.  Her reasons for suicide at the moment are the poor way she is treated by her employers.  I know that her thought process is not in the best shape but that doesn't even seem rational to me... although I know that is the depression talking for her.


In a way I almost feel that I'm being held captive emotionally by her problems.  I feel manipulated and controlled by her when she starts making threats and suggestions about ending her life.  I don't know what to do anymore!!!!!  She is on anti-depressants but how much can they help when she is mixing it with alcohol?  I know she needs help but I am 800 miles from her and she is shutting out our mother and our father can only do so much to help before she turns on him also (he alternates between being her hero, and her enemy in her own mind)


Anyway, I am sorry I went on for so long, and I hope that someone can offer me some words of guidance in how to cope with my sister.  She is 10 years my senior but I love her as I do my children and it is breaking my heart that I feel so helpless to do anything for her.


 


Emily

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 3:15pm

Wow Emily,

Your sister has a lot to handle. It seems like the alcoholism is a good place to start, and AA meetings are free, but if she doesn't want to go on her own it won't help her.

For you, there is Al-Anon, for family members of alcoholics. And there is Coda, a group for people who are co-dependent with others to the point where their issues can ruin your life. Both of those are 12 step groups and you can do a google search to find local chapters.

(Trigger below)

I'm sure you already thought of this, but since she has allergies she has an easy way to die- just expose herself to the allergen and not call for help. Since she hans't done this yet, it seems like she is trying and has at least a shred of hope. Maybe it's time for her to go to a live in program in a hospital or rehab, if she agrees to the idea.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 3:50pm

Hi Emily and welcome to the board--although I wish it were under better circumstances and that no one were in so much pain as to need this board. Anyway, I want to assure you that you're welcome here--you've found at least one of the many "right places" out there to seek support!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 5:49pm

Welcome (((Emily)))


I know it's a scary situation you are in. Unfortunately you can't make your sister change until she is ready. Just keep sharing your love and concern with her. Eventually hopefully it will sink in.


I don't know what else to suggest. Sorry

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co-cl of the Self-Injury

Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2005
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 10:43pm

Thank you all for your kind and generous responses.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Sat, 12-31-2005 - 12:55pm

"The idea of an intervention terrifies me....we more harm than good."

Emily, I understand why you feel that way but at this point, there's not much that can make it worse, since your sister has already hit rock bottom. And being an extremist, once she calms down from the initial shock she may appreciate the idea of an extreme effort on your part to help her. Regardless, that's why you would need an expert along to run the show, if you chose to go that route. But if you don't want to, that's OK too, and in that case you need to step back and let her go her own way without pulling you down with her. It sounds cruel, but what else can you do?

Sometimes when someone is drowning, if you don't know the right way to save them they'll end up pulling you under and you'll both drown. You need to call in a lifeguard, this is too much for you to handle alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Sat, 12-31-2005 - 5:33pm

Hi Emily:

I hear your love and worry for your sister. I also hear your distress. First, I want to say it is perfectly okay for you to feel everything you are feeling...even some resentment at being put in an untenable position.

My advice may be off the mark, so feel free to ignore it. First, is she in therapy? If not, encrouage her... a therapist is more prepared to deal with this and you wouldn't have it all on your shoulders.

Second, from being on the other end, I always feel better when someone validates and just listens to how bad it is for me. I don't expect them to fix me. But, sometimes we need help... for example, 2 days ago I knew I needed to go to the hospital, but because no one else magically knew that... I felt worse. So having someone recognize that it is so awful is helpful to me.

I also might recommend you provide her with the hotline numbers listed here and maybe help her find some support in the community, so the burden is not yours alone.

Also, as someone who struggles with drinking I can say that my drinking lowers my impulse control and makes me tremendously more suicidal. And yes, drinking will definitely nullify her anti-depressants. Is there any way to let the prescribor of those meds know that she is drinking?

Lastly, I just want to support you and tell you what a good sister you are, that you would find this place to try and help her... and I hope coming here will help you a little bit too.

Safe hugs,
Emily