Not doing so well

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Not doing so well
3
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 2:56pm

I haven't been here in a long time. I'm really having a problem finding my way. I'm lost and so alone. I think I should be in the hospital. I don't know how to keep myself safe. My husband is furious that my "incurable mental illness" as he enjoys calling it, is interfering with his life. I called my therapist 3 times over the last day and a half... he didn't push the hospital idea, even though I told him I'm beyond ready for everything to be over with. But everyone in my family just needs so much from me and I can't inconvenience anyone. My son wouldn't understand where mommy went and my husband would be angry and take it out on me (he always does). I need help and don't know where to turn. I had to check in with my T this morning, and basically all he said was "See ya next Thursday." As if I can last until then.

I'm just a burden on my family. I lost my job recently. I did a partial hospital thing for 8 days... it made everything worse because it brought everything to the surface. I just came here because I have nowhere else to go. I'm sorry to be such a burden. Please don't feel like you have to respond, because I don't really have much to give anyone right now.

Emily

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2005
In reply to: vor56
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 10:54pm

Hi Emily.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
In reply to: vor56
Sat, 12-31-2005 - 1:01pm

Emily,

I go through this almost every day. We the living suicidal are experts at endurance. Every second is like the last mile of a marathon, taking everyone out of us just to keep standing on our feet. But unlike a marathon, it goes on and on and on for years. And there's no one cheering us on and showering us with medals.

Like the Red Queen said to Alice, "Now here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!"
-"Through the Looking Glass"

Somehow you have lasted this long. If you have lasted this long, you can last a little longer.




Edited 12/31/2005 1:02 pm ET by bluerains
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: vor56
Sat, 12-31-2005 - 4:39pm

Emilyyyyy!!!! Even though I'm sooooo sorry you are hurting, I am so happy to "see" that you are here and safe! I've thought of you often and hoped that someday you would drop in and say hello!


I know it's hard--but please try not to feel like a burden--especially here! You know deep down (or at least I hope a part of you does!) that is what we are here for!


It is so difficult when loved ones don't understand...and in their fear and frustration and pain, they lash out and/or say inappropriate things. Again I hope that somewhere in you, you know your husband loves you. Mental health issues (or mental illness as you say he calls it) can be so unpredictable--and yet, many of these issues, even if they can't be cured, per se, CAN be put into remission or at least the severity and impact can be lessened! I've always known you to be one who keeps on pushing for solutions and trying your best to heal and so I hope that we can help you find that tiny spark in you and fan it into a flame so you can find the strength to keep going!


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