Never want to drive again
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| Thu, 01-12-2006 - 4:54pm |
I just got a driving ticket. I was coming home from an interview in the big city near my town. If I knew how hard it would be to drive there, I would never have gone! It was terrible, one way streets everywhere, lots of traffic, places where you couldn't turn left and I needed to be turning left, it was horrible.
I was doing my best but I made a mistake and must have pulled out in front of someone, and they honked at me and pulled up next to me and the girl in the passenger seat stared right at me and gave me the finger. It hurt so bad when she did that it was worse than if she slapped me in the face. I didn't do it on purpose, I was so confused because I didn't know the roads and all I wanted was to get home safely.
Well, then I got lost because there were the one way road and I couldn't get to the highway, and the next thing I knew a police car was pulling me over. He gave me a ticket for running a red light, but I didn't even see a red light! I believe him- but I felt terrible because I didn't even see the red light, it must have been on the side of the road because I didn't see one above me.
The cop was so mean to me! I tried to talk to him but I was really uspet so my voice shook. He said, "I can't understand a word you're saying." I tried again, and he said, "I can't understand a word you're saying," in a really mean voice. Then I tried to explain that I was lost and scared and confused, and he started yelling how I ran a red light and almost caused an accident. I apologized so many times, but he treated me like dirt. It was so humiliating and he kept me there so long and people walked by were staring at me.
I am so upset and shaken up. I was crying on the way home, oh yeah I had to find my way home after that and I was so terrified to get into a major accident because that city is a death trap to drive in. But I had to stop crying because I needed to see the road, and now that I'm home I can't cry I feel frozen.
This is why I didn't want to drive. My mind can't process things quickly enough when there is a lot of things to see- like if I saw the red light, I probably would have missed the "no left turn" sign and gotten into an accident for that. But since I was looking for the one way signs and "no left turn" signs, I must have missed the red light becuase my brain simply can't process fast enough. I don't know how people do it!
I feel so terrible. If I got into an accident and hurt someone I would never forgive myself. I called DH and he was cold, he said I need driving lessons. He doens't understand that it's not that, it's my brain, I simply can't process visual information quickly enough in a confusing city street like that. Is there a learning disorder for drivers? I think I have it, because I was trying SO HARD to see everything and read all the signs and drive carefully, and I couldn't do it!
I am almost hysterical because it was so terrifying. I have never driven in that city before and I never want to again. And I have no one to comfort me because DH isn't sympathetic.
And I also got in trouble because my driver's licence is from out of state. I didn't want to switch because we have to pay $90, and we might move to anohter state soon. But now I have a $50 ticket for running the red light that I didn't see, and I never want to get on the road again.

The worst thing is that the interview was for a dream job, and I feel like I could get hired. But there's no way I can drive those streets every day.
I keep seeing the hatred in that girl's eyes as she gave me the finger. I know it's illogical but I feel like she's going to see me later or recognize my car and go after me or key my car. People have cut me off all the time and I never swore at them, honked, or done anything other than slow down. I didn't do it on purpose. Why was she so angry and hateful? The look in her eyes was terrible.
I don't feel safe in this world. People are so full of hate. Now I'm feeling like I don't even want to go outside or leave the house. It's not safe out there.
Hi,
I am new to this board. I have spent a good bit of time on the Self-Injury board, but it has been quiet there for a few days and I needed to connect with someone. I read your post about driving. I understand. Driving is stressful for some people, myself included. I moved from a city of 34,000 people to a city of 736,000 people. Getting around can be scary but somehow I make myself get out there and do it.
I hear what you are saying about not being able to focus and I wonder if it could be a side effect of a medication. When my husband was on Paxil, it slowed his responses and he had trouble focusing. He did not drive well during that time. In fact, he drove rather dangerously. Normally he is a safe, confident driver. He has been off the medication for awhile now and seems to be focusing better on the road. (He went off the medication with his doctor's help. Never stop taking medication without your doctor's advice!)
Of course I don't know if you are on a medication, but if you are, maybe you could speak with your doctor or pharmacist and see if the meds could be linked to your difficulty driving. It's not your fault you are having trouble. And don't let that disrespectful girl and unfeeling police officer bring you down. I know how easy it is to let how someone treats you affect your whole mood. One angry look or one cross word can bring you from cloud nine to the deep dark pit of despair. You cannot change the way people treat you. You
Georgianna Francis
"I must lose myself in action, lest I wither in despair" Lord Tennyson
Hi Georgianna and a warm welcome to the board--I'm glad you dropped by and I hope you'll stick around should you feel the need or desire!
I must say your post touched me..... there is a lot of wisdom and caring on this board among our members and you are right in there! I like your attitude and your spirit in what you said to "bluerains." So true!
Hi Blue,
Thank you for such a wonderful post.
Unfortunatly I can't blame it on the meds since I'm not taking any. I just can't concentrate on more than one thing at a time, never could. I guess it's the opposite of ADHD! While driving, you have to switch focus nonstop- now checking for pedestrians, now looking at the speed limit, then check for traffic lights, now watch to make sure that car's not going to go in front of me, then look at the sign that says "one way street", it's just nonstop and most people seem to be able to handle it automatically. But I can't.
Thanks so much Lori.
It made me feel so good that you and Georgiana both said I was brave to try it- I never thought of it that way, but it's true. You're right, courage is when you are terrified but you do it anyway- even if it's something that comes really easy to most people.
I'll probably just pay the ticket becuase I don't want this to drag out. But I do wish the police officer had treated me like a human being- why didn't he try to listen to me closer instead of sneering, "I can't understand a word you're saying!" over and over. What if I was having a medical emergency and couldn't talk right because I was really sick? Actually, I probably was on the verge of a panic attack and the way he acted didn't calm me down at all.
Don't police officers get sensitivity training? What if I was having an asthma attack and was about to drop dead? It was obvious by the fact that I couldn't talk right that I was in major distress. But he didn't care about me at all. Even traffic violators have rights as human beings!
You're also right that I'm so glad I never treat people like dirt, unlike that cop and hateful woman. Sometimes it really gets me down that although I'm very kind and gentle to people, strangers are often rude and hateful to me. I feel like what goes around should comes around and people should treat me the way I treat others. But instead, I attract all the sharks becuase they see I'm too timid to bite back. Well, I'm proud that I don't take it out on innocent strangers, like many people do.
I just drove to the DMV and got my MA license. So I did get in the car again...it was very scary, but I did it because I had to. I really, really wish I could have a chauffer or public transportation and never have to drive again. But that won't happen...life is very hard. Murphy's law always hits at the worst possible time.
Edited 1/13/2006 2:08 pm ET by bluerains
Hey Blue,