not good

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
not good
6
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 12:21pm
that dark bleak cloud has returned and my head is full of such bad thoughts. i wish i was an old old woman who could look forward to having only a short time left. sometimes it is just too hard to continue when you are this sad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: come_to_nothing
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 12:59pm

Hi Abby,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
In reply to: come_to_nothing
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 4:53pm

"i wish i was an old old woman who could look forward to having only a short time left."

That has occured to me too. Part of me doesn't want to get old because of the vanity thing, and poverty, and health problems, and everyone you love dead of old age except you, but on the plus side at least by that point you know it's almost over. It's like a marathon, at the end of it, when you feel even worse but at least it's over soon.

It's very hard to be young and chronically depressed or suicidal because we have to hold on for so many years! And there's no way to predict how long someone will live naturally. Some people die young and some live to be 100. I have the horrible feeling that I'll live to be 100 just becuase I don't want to! I'm 26 and only one fourth through this horrible, painful life. Every birthday I celebrate that I made it through anohter year and I'm one year closer to death.

And I already have some chronic health issues and so I'm in physical pain most of the time, plus many other issues, so it seems like such a long time to wait. We have a "life sentence". Literally!

I hope I'm not making you feel worse but I'm having really bad time lately and I can't force myself to be optomistic. Maybe it will help to know that your feelings are valid becuase I've had them too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
In reply to: come_to_nothing
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 6:52pm
hi Blue,,,no,,, what you wrote didn't make me feel any worse,,,but thanks for caring enough to ask me. really sorry to hear you are trudging through your days as well right now. i know what you mean about not really wanting to grow old because of what being very very old is actually like,,,i mean who wants to look old and have old-age ailments as well? i have developed highblood pressure from being such an emotional wreck for so long. thanks also for mentioning that what i said had some validation, i've thought about having to deal with the years ahead of me so many times over so many years,,as bleak as i feel i just so desperately need someone to try to understand my pain. are you on meds Blue? i am on something new and am trying so hard to get through my days hoping one of them will feel better because of it. anyway please know i care and understand and wish so i could help you feel better. Abby
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
In reply to: come_to_nothing
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 2:06pm

Thanks for caring Abby. I'm not on meds because I've had severe allergic reaction to all sorts of medicines to the point that I'm afraid to take anything. I suspect it was medicine that casued my right foot to swell up, which I posted about elsewhere.

It's so hard when life is already unbearable and then something happens to make it worse. And the thing is, it seems like that worse thing always happens even when you think it's impossible.

It would be nice if a surprise nice thing happens to make life better out of the blue. I hope that happens to you. It seems like the other type of surprise is much more comon though.

My screen name is actually bluerains becuase those words reflect my depression. I don't think most people on other boards realize that, though. I'm glad they don't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
In reply to: come_to_nothing
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 5:02pm
Hi me again responding to this post now. Bluerains,,,I can't imagine how you are able to cope with no meds at all to help you. You have a doctor,,,she should be able to find something you can take,,,even if it is a hit and miss thing finding the right one can help you so much. Imagine being able to lift some of that awful heavy saddness off of you. Even anxiety pills have made a big difference for me. I used to think I could do it alone but I know now I can't, and I am not ashamed to admit I need some medicine to help me cope. I hope you could maybe talk to your doctor sometime and possibly she could prescribe something that has a low allergic affect on people. Please bluerains I'm not trying to tell you what to do,,,it is just that I care and it pains me to think of you hurting so much when there may be something that can help alleviate some of it for you,,,,Abby
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
In reply to: come_to_nothing
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 12:15pm

Sorry to hear that you are feeling so sad.


Hugs and positive thoughts your way.

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