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| Sun, 02-12-2006 - 12:21pm |
that dark bleak cloud has returned and my head is full of such bad thoughts. i wish i was an old old woman who could look forward to having only a short time left. sometimes it is just too hard to continue when you are this sad.

Hi Abby,
"i wish i was an old old woman who could look forward to having only a short time left."
That has occured to me too. Part of me doesn't want to get old because of the vanity thing, and poverty, and health problems, and everyone you love dead of old age except you, but on the plus side at least by that point you know it's almost over. It's like a marathon, at the end of it, when you feel even worse but at least it's over soon.
It's very hard to be young and chronically depressed or suicidal because we have to hold on for so many years! And there's no way to predict how long someone will live naturally. Some people die young and some live to be 100. I have the horrible feeling that I'll live to be 100 just becuase I don't want to! I'm 26 and only one fourth through this horrible, painful life. Every birthday I celebrate that I made it through anohter year and I'm one year closer to death.
And I already have some chronic health issues and so I'm in physical pain most of the time, plus many other issues, so it seems like such a long time to wait. We have a "life sentence". Literally!
I hope I'm not making you feel worse but I'm having really bad time lately and I can't force myself to be optomistic. Maybe it will help to know that your feelings are valid becuase I've had them too.
Thanks for caring Abby. I'm not on meds because I've had severe allergic reaction to all sorts of medicines to the point that I'm afraid to take anything. I suspect it was medicine that casued my right foot to swell up, which I posted about elsewhere.
It's so hard when life is already unbearable and then something happens to make it worse. And the thing is, it seems like that worse thing always happens even when you think it's impossible.
It would be nice if a surprise nice thing happens to make life better out of the blue. I hope that happens to you. It seems like the other type of surprise is much more comon though.
My screen name is actually bluerains becuase those words reflect my depression. I don't think most people on other boards realize that, though. I'm glad they don't.
Sorry to hear that you are feeling so sad.
Hugs and positive thoughts your way.
co-cl of the Self-Injury