So scared. . .
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| Fri, 02-17-2006 - 7:09pm |
Hi all,
I just found this message board and I'm hoping someone will have some encouraging words for me.
My situation is a very, very long story and I'll spare everyone the details. The important things are that I just lost my job. The situation surrounding that stems from longtime struggles w/ depression and self-medication with alcohol. I recently was convicted of a 3rd DUI offense, which is a felony. I had to spend 90 days in jail and lost my job teaching. I've tried to find a job since and I'm not having any luck.
Basically I need to start a whole new life, but I can't seem to find anything positive to latch on to and get me motivated. Since my arrest, I've been sober (15 months now) and I've seen a psychiatrist who has diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. I've been taking medication and I know that it helps, but I continue to spiral downward.
I've had horrible thoughts lately, and it scares me. When my mood lifts, I get more bad news and I can't seem to catch a break.
I'm sure I'm not the only one out there that feels this way. I need something to motivate me, but I feel like every turn I make I hit a brick wall. I don't want to go on like this and I'm scared of that feeling.

Don't be scared, you have done a very brave thing in staying sober for this long, you must have tremendous strength, you are educated and now you have a diagnosis for what you had such a struggle with. Since you have done all this you will find your way into another profession.
I admire you for what you have done, be strong, you are already brave.
Hi there and welcome to the board! I'm glad you found us and I hope you'll stay and seek the support that is available here!
I also think you are a very brave person because despite fear, you are doing what needs to be done--confronting BOTH addiction and a mental illness! (In clinical terms you are considered to be "dually diagnosed" because you have both an addictive disorder and a mental health issue.) It takes HUGE amounts of strength and courage to do what you are doing--and felony or not, I hope you can give yourself the credit you deserve!! Rather than try and "run" from the punishment you took what was coming to you and now you are having to deal with the rather unpleasant continuation of consequences. That's NOT easy and as I said is very brave of you. I hope YOU can believe me when I say it WILL get better from here--WITH your continued commitment to sobriety!
Uva,
Are you in AA? Do you have a sponsor?
You are so right to realize that you need a positive goal to live for and hold onto. What dreams did you have as a child? Before you started drinking, what positive things made you happy? If you can identify a dream you can start working towards it today.
I think that once you find that positive goal, it will make all the difference because even if it takes twenty years, you'll have something to focus on. Something to hold on for.
And maybe you already know this but it would be best if the goal was something that you could do that doesn't involve other people. For instance, "getting married" is a tricky one becuase relationships can be painful and just send you right down the wrong path again. Because you can't control other people, you can only control yourself and you have to work on your own life before you can have really healthy relationships with others.
But a goal like, "running a marathon" is something that you can do on your own and you don't need other people to help you, and no one can take it away once you do it. So find something that will help you grow and learn.
Edited 2/18/2006 2:07 pm ET by bluerains