can't stop having bad thoughts

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2006
can't stop having bad thoughts
3
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 1:04pm

Hi everyone,
I posted a while back about my situation. I've lost my teaching job that really held me together. I was convicted of a 3rd DUI in 10 years which recently became a felony offense in my state which left me jobless. I've since received treatment for bipolar disorder and have remained sober now for 16 months. I've made lots of positive changes in my life but I can't seem to stop my suicidal thoughts. I have daily panic attacks -- I can't afford my prescription refills. My father had been helping me but is seeing a therapist who tells him he is codependent so he can't help me anymore financially. I've send out resumes and job applications to over 50 places since I lost my job and I can't find anything. I have a Master's degree and a good education, but I can't find ANY job.

I'm so tired of living and wish my family could understand my unhappiness. Some days I'm indifferent, but most days I'm on the verge of a panic attack while crying incessantly. I'm continuing to see my doctor, although I don't know how long that will last considering my financial situation. I'm very close to losing my apartment and I owe a lot of money b/c of my situation.

I've tried praying and I've completely lost all faith. Throughout my trial and the year preceeding while I was waiting I was sober and I attended AA and I tried to find my faith. When I was found guilty and everything just continued to get worse, it made it even more difficult to seek God.

I feel like I am hanging on for one "break" to keep me alive. I hang in there as long as I can and then something bad happens and worsens my situation. I really don't know what to do anymore. I hate who I've become and I can't find my way anymore.

Please help if you can.

- t

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 2:50pm

Uva,

Drunk driving and alcoholism are serious situations, and there is no quick fix for such huge issues.

I think you do have much to be grateful for, a new start. If you did not kill anyone yet with drunk driving, then God has been there for you by sending you a wake up call before it's too late.

My college roomate and dear friend was killed by a drunk driver. Alcohol can kill, and not just the alcoholic. If you never get the perfect life, but at least you never drive drunk again, you are doing something important right there that saves lives!

The thing is, there's no easy answer to something like this. Your life is in a low place, and you can't get a job. I can't get one either- I've been looking for two years and only have a part time dead end job.

When life hits a low point you have to realize that in fact contrary to the old saying, it CAN get worse and if all you can do is prevent that, you can be proud of doing that at least. So what I mean is, if you stay sober and never drive drunk again, even if you never get a good job again, is'nt that worth something?

You have a Master's degree. Instead of thinking that you can't get a job, why not be proud of your degree and past accomplishments? Many people don't have that degree. Right there you have an advantage.

So, you also have a father who loves you. That is something. He's been helping you, which is something to be grateful for, instead of focusing on the fact that he stopped.

I think you should start really simple and work up from there. You can get a retail job, with your degree, even at minimum wage it's better than nothing. From the bottom work your way up. Don't try to get a great job right away because that's really hard. But start at step one and work your way up. If you have to take welfare well that's what it's for.

And maybe you can in time work to prevent other people from driving drunk and killing innocent people. You definatley have a hard life now but it's not hopeless and pointless.

If I sound too harsh than I apologize. I've been to 12 step groups and they mean well but sometimes I feel like they just try to make people feel better for now but don't do a thing to help them change. I'm not going to lie and be sappy like some of those people- it's going to be hard for a long time. But if you're not afraid of hard work, you can change Uva. It's your choice and only you can do this.




Edited 3/15/2006 3:55 pm ET by bluerains
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 3:54pm

Hi T,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 1:57pm

(((Hugs)))


I don't think we've met, maybe you were here when I was away. So a belated welcome to you.


I am also bipolar. I also went to AA. It wasn't for me. I didn't have a drinking problem just an episode of self-medicating, but now I am in control.


Congratulations on being sober 16 months. That is an excellent achievement. Don't forget your achievements. I know it's hard when you are depressed. *hugs and a pat on the back*


I know that financial strain can be one of the biggest burdens to face in today's society. But it is impermanent like everything else. Things will change, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. Just keep trying. I know it's hard. *sending all the strength I can muster*


Hang in there and keep posting. Take it one day at a time. One moment at a time.

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co-cl of the Self-Injury

Amanda