feeling guilty... pos trigs
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| Thu, 03-30-2006 - 6:51am |
well the reason I feel guilty is that I had to lie to my DD and tell her that when I took too many pills it was by mistake, I know it was wrong but everytime her and I got into an argument she would bring it up in front of my other children, and it hurt so bad too see the hate in her eyes when she would say it, so now since I told her I didnt mean to she doesnt bring it up, thank goodness.
The depression comes and goes and I have begun to talk to my DH when I get depressed and I even cried in front of him I have only done that like 4 times in 15 years so things are getting better for now with the depression.
I have now been smoke-free 18 months now and I am pretty proud of that so when I start to get depressed I think about that and I know that I have accomplished a lot so far bc I was a smoker for 15+ years and to just quit one day is something I am very happy for.
I struggle with my eating disorder still and that is where a lot of my depression comes from I dont like how I look so I dont like myself too much either, but I hope in time I will beable to give that up also but for now I am not ready to give up my eating disorder it is who I have become.
well there is my update sorry it's been a while but with schooling the kids it is hard to even have a moments time to myself.
Mary

Mary,
Sorry to hear that you are feeling guilty, but you were doing what you thought was in the best interest of your DD. It is something that is probably too hard for her to accept. So in a sense you did what you had to do and that is the "right" thing to do.
My eating disorder has become the central focus of my life once again too. I don't know what to suggest except every time you have a negative thought about yourself say "No" and challenge that feeling. What would others say? What would you say to someone else? What evidence do you have to the contrary.
Good luck and be safe.
co-cl of the Self-Injury
Mary,
It is your choice of course. But given the situation, do you think homeschooling is healthy for you and the kids? I don't know how it works but do you spend most of the day together? Too much being cooped up with family can be stressful at the best of times, and intolerable when there are issues to deal with. Is the atmosphere tense often, does your daughter pick fights with you in front of her siblings often?
Do the kids have other adults in their life to talk to, for advice and another viewpoint, to vent, etc?
Lying is not always wrong, I don't think you should feel guilty about that if you felt it was best. Don't waste to much energy on the past- think about what you can change for the present to make life better now.
Also, this is a hard question but- could you be homeschooling partly to distract yourself from your own issues? Perhaps you could try something else that doesn't involve the kids- such as excersing, a part time job, volunteering. That way, the kids could have their own space to express themselves, breath, etc. You need that breathing space as well. Everyone does.
Edited 3/30/2006 12:56 pm ET by bluerains
Hi Mary,