DH never comforts me

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
DH never comforts me
3
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 11:26am

My DH never comforts me. He turns every conversation into one about him. This is what happens every time I try to open up to him and talk about my feelings: He'll be cold and unsupportive until I get mad and lose my temper. Then he'll sulk for days saying that I "lashed out at him" and it becomes all about him and my bad temper.

And by the way- any sort of anger or irritation, raised voice, etc. equals a fit of rage to him. He can't handle anger at all. My true emotion is sadness and hurt and I tell him this. But when sadness is not comforted, it expresses itself as anger- so all he needs to do is be empathic when I ask him to, but he can't or won't.

Here are some excerpts from last night's fight:

Me: Since you've been gone I've been eating boring food like cereal and sandwiches because I don't feel like cooking for just me and I'm sad and lonely. But I miss eating good food.

DH: But you are capable of cooking better things, right? You just choose not to.

Me: That was cold! Why couldn't you say something caring?

DH: You're overeacting again, you always overeact and get angry over nothing.

Me: It's not nothing, I want you to take my feelings seriously.

DH: Whenever I go away this happens. I have to go on another business trip in one and a half weeks, and am I going to have to deal with this too then?

Me: I can't believe how selfish you are, you don't care about me suffering when you're gone, you just care about yourself and how it affects you!

DH: You always lash out at me, no matter what I say.

Me: It's normal to get mad when you say something cold! Any woman would- it's not just me!

DH: No matter what I said, you would lash out at me.

Me: That's not true.

DH: Nothing I can say would make you happy.

Me: That's not true, I just want you to be nice to me! For instance, I wish you did something thoughtful to help me through this business trip.

DH: I did bring a card, but I couldnt' get to a mailbox.

Me: What great effort, that's all I'm worth to you? I managed to get around that by giving you a card before you left. I'm sure if you tried you could have thought of something too.

DH: You're the only one who can make yourself happy. You make yourself miserable and get all worked up over things.

Me: No, I'm upset becuase you're cold and never there for me.

DH: No, nothing pleases you. No matter what I say to you, you just lash out at me.

Me: Oh yeah? In that case, F- You!

DH: Sulks for three weeks and will bring this up frequently as an example of how much he suffers putting up with me. I can hear it now: You swore at me! For no reason at all! I was being so nice and you just lashed out at me!
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Doesn't it seem like he's purposely pushing my buttons? Have you ever heard of such a cold husband? I am so tired of this one way relationship.

And let me ask the women here: If your DH, boyfriend, or best friend said these things to you, how would YOU feel and react? Would it help you feel better? Becuase my DH seems to think that it should.




Edited 4/14/2006 12:50 pm ET by bluerains
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 5:04pm
As an outside observer I'd say, no actually it doesn't seem like he's pushing your buttons at least not on purpose. Interpersonal relationships like this can be hard. I know they are for me (but that's part of the borderline personality disorder). I can understand that you don't feel you are being heard and no matter what you say it's not the right thing to elicit the response you want from him. And he on the other hand also can't say the right thing to you. Once you get worked up he's right that he won't be able to say the right thing. So once you feel yourself angry at him, walk away. Tell him you'll talk again soon. Do some breathing and grounding and then go back to the conversation. I can't say I'm an expert, that's just my humble opinion. And I hope I didn't upset you by not saying what you want to hear. It's not that I'm taking "his side". I'm just trying to find the middle ground.
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Amanda

Avatar for alsmith32
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 11:11pm
My dh is the same way. Only he will say things like "shut up" too. We are still working on this issue ourselves. Maybe your dh can come with you if you have a therapist? I tried to talk to mine about how to fight fair, say things like "when you do X, it makes me feel Y" but he wouldn't do it at all. When the therapist said basically the same things, he kind of listened. It's just like trying to teach your kids a skill that you yourself possess. They won't listen. But if some complete strange teaches them, they do! I think guys just aren't as empathetic at all. I agree it's a complete bummer.
allie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 10:34am

He acts like I choose to be upset, and that is way too simple. And whenever he's upset, he never says that he's overreacting...of course not! His feelings are always natural and valid! I just want the same respect for my emotions and thoughts.

Schitz,
I don't mind hearing your opinion, I asked for it after all. Thanks for responding.