need some input please. Trigs

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Registered: 04-21-2003
need some input please. Trigs
5
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 3:37pm

I have been fighting the depression again and it is worse then ever and it is getting to teh point of wanting to really hurt myself and ending it all, I am still taking my Cymbalta 60 mgs, and I am just wondering if maybe it is bringing on my depression and my thought and feelings, bc actually things are going real well for me, I dont know if I should ask my Doc to take me off of it. I dont want to crash like I did a few months ago I dont want to leave my kids but these feelings get so bad that it is all I can do from ending it. I dont know wat to do I dont want to seem like a baby but this is driving me crazy. The medicine seemed to work for a while and now it seems like it is working against me and making me be suicidal, I have been on it for about 6 months now and for the past 3 months I dont just get depressed I get suicidal. I gave all my pills to the hospital from my last attempt and they threw them away but I have been stalking up on them again. Please give me your info and please forgive me for not reading anyones post but I am very vulnerable right now to even the slightest triggers sorry.

Mary

Mary
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 9:20pm

Hi Mary,

I guess it is possible that the medicine is backfiring. Can you think of any other reasons that you feel so bad? Is there anything bothering you, on your mind, etc? Did you feel like this often before you started taking this medicine?

Is there anything your subconcious mind could be trying to tell you, that you might not hear the whole message yet but you are getting the emotions? Or do you think it is all biological- and nothing more?

I know I'm asking a lot of questions, becuase I can't say for sure what's going on- but maybe one of my questions will help you figure it out.

Could it be a bad habit or an addiction, thinking about suicide? In what ways does it pay off for you- does it help you at all? If it's an addiction, there is some reason the thougths keep coming up- either to distract you from something worse, etc.

I can't say what the answer is but something tells me the pills are only part of the problem- I think the answer is in your subconcious mind but you have to dig around a little to figure it out.

I just read a book on suicide and it says that three factors lead to suicide:
1. Getting used to self harm
2. Not enough connection to others, meaningful relationships
3. Not feeling effective in life (capable, success, etc.) Also becuase this leads to feeling like a burden to others.

It seems like #2 is not a problem for you, but #1 definately is since you've overdosed before. What about factor #3? I don't know how good this guy's theory is, but it's something to consider. The author points out that even though problems #2 and #3 often lead to despair, they can change and are not permanent. Unfortunalty, #1 seems to be permanent according to his research- but people can hold the death wish at bay by working on the other two areas of their lives- meaningful loving relationships, and feeling competant and self sufficient in life. When they do that, they don't want to die any more, according to his studies. But if one of those areas has a problem, it's a red flag and needs to be worked on ASAP.




Edited 4/17/2006 9:28 pm ET by bluerains
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 11:24pm

Hey Mary,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 1:16am

no my best friend doesnt know how much I am struggling I think she knows that I am depressed, and I cant let her know she is going through her owm problems here lately and I have to be there for her and act like everything is ok.

No I am not just going to go off of it, I have learned from past experiences not wise to do that, I really think it is the medicine tho, I am going to call up my doc and tell him about it and see what he says. I want to be safe and not hurt my DD again and that is my fear but I know how my depression is I crash so hard I cant ask for help bc all I want to do is die when I get that low, and I am terrified that I will get that way.

there is another reason Y I think the cymbalta is doing this to me I am now doing things that I know will cause me harm but I just cant say it on here I am ashamed of it and I know if it happens then my children are at risk of getting hurt, why am I so messed up? Y cant I be liek others and be happy with who I am and who I have become, the only good thing that has happened to me is my 4 children and then I wonder if I am doing right with them. I will email you and tell you what I have been doing just so I can get it out I havent told anyone not even my T or my best friend for the fear of them rejecting me or thinking that I am this stupid moron.

Mary

Mary
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 10:38am
Even when I have my own problems, I like hearing my best friend tell me about hers becasue- it distracts me from my own misery! I like to take turns, we can talk about me for half the time and her the other half. I'm sure your best friend would feel the same because sometimes, helping someone else is a great distraction and would actually help her too. It's good to feel needed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 3:43pm

Mary, if you are feeling this badly and thinking of hurting yourself or ending it all then things aren't "all okay" like you said. I definately think this is not the time to be coming off of meds. That would just screw with your system all the more and make you even more depressed (possibly).


Keep doing whatever it takes to stay safe and keep posting here. We are always here for you.

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