What is going on with me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
What is going on with me?
10
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 5:11am

I came across this board here, and thought I would write to share my feelings and get some advise/insight/support...
Since really, really long I have had on and off feelings of not living anymore. And the only thing that prevents me from doing anything is my family, who I don't wanna hurt. If I was without them, I might have taken the step.
I feel....I am lacking in almost every major aspect of my life. And the most important one (for me) that bites me the hardest, and as odd as it may sound, is the fact that I have just not been able to be in a relationship going towards marriage. I have had serious guys who have wanted to take things further, but I passed them over becoz I couldn't sense the chemistry between us. And it has been a track record so far (since last 10 years), that everytime I fall in love and choose a guy, he turns out to the someone who breaks my heart in the end. Have had several guys who tried to take advantage of me. I have been in one stressful relationship after another, and nothing ever works out. Currently, I am in another dead-end thing, where the guy is just not ready to commit, and I am in love with him.

I am unemployed. That's another major stress. I feel powerless. I have had a few interviews, and building my hopes up has never worked, becoz I never get the job, even when I feel the interview went well. I have reached the point, where I am trying less and less. I am losing confidence and becoming CYNICAL with life. My family is helping me with the rent and bills....my Dad keeps telling me how he can't afford me any further. And I end up crying over it, feeling guilty, and totally helpless.

My parents got divorced 2 years ago. My Mom is looking to remarry, and it has been so uncomfortable and stressful for me go through my Mom looking for men and dating men....along with me. I want her to be happy, but it's just a really WEIRD situation, and I feel resentful towards my parents. Why couldn't they just make the marriage work? I am not even ready to accept a Step-Dad. So weird. I had the most traumatic time dealing with the divorce. At that time, I was in a relationship and I totally messed it up, becoz I developed a really bad anger problem with the guy I was dating.

On top of all this, since the last two years, I have been postponing taking an important exam to graduate with my Masters. I dont know why! There's some fear.

Plus, I am not happy with my major and need to be in another line, for which I need to go to school again to get trained. That's another stress. It makes me feel like I wasted 10 years in a major I ended up disliking and wasn't suited for.

On top of all of this, I feel totally isolated in life. I feel alone. I have very few friends. Many other friends ... I have lost becoz of my over-sensitivity. I get offended easily and start resenting them. I take things personally and instead of working on it, I just get mad at them, and end it. Makes me wonder, if we are supposed to be "tolerant" with our friends, or are friends supposed to be perfect with us....always supportive and never hurting? I live alone, and that adds to my loneliness. Even when I am with people, I feel isolated, like I dont belong. Plus, many a times, in this country, I feel like a foreigner (I am one anyway).....becoz I dont feel many people treat me fairly or make me feel welcome, even though I am always smiling and ultra-polite with people. I feel that subtle discrimination. It makes me feel like I wanna run back to my own country where I am from. I miss it a lot. Plus, i am a shy person, not out-going at all, so that makes me feel even more isolated.

With career, family, personal life, and studies........everything in a shake, unstable, less than perfect state, how can I feel Happy???? How???? Everyone's lives seems to be going like a dream. Almost all my friends, are happily married (yes, they found people who loved them, and who they loved) and working in stable jobs. And look at me......in the middle of nowhere. Just struggling everyday. I dont want to even face my days anymore.
What do I look forward to? Nothing seems to be working out, even when I put effort. So I end up putting in less effort, or less than best effort.

I am just surviving here. Not living.
There are just too many stresses in life that I am unable to handle.

I have a friend who is struggling in starting a new career....getting trained etc....but atleast she is married. Her husband supports her, she has someone to hug, she has someone who can take care of bills while she struggles, she has a family. She has something to fall back on. But me, I neither have that, nor this. Nothing.

My family has been wanting me to move with them to save on bills. But I am not wanting to move. That's another guilt I carry.

If someone has read all this until here....thank you.
Maybe I am too close to my life to realize what exactly is going on and what exactly I need to do to make changes. Maybe someone can give me insight and advise....

In one word, I feel Overwhelmed with life. That's one word that sums up my entire feeling.
I am just unable to cope. Everything seems like a struggle. And NONE of my dreams and wishes and fantasies of even a single, heart-felt hug from someone special....seems to be coming true. Is life all about paying bills, and doing groceries? If that is what it is all about, then I rather not live.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 1:25pm

Hi Gal and welcome to the board! I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well for you lately.... I'm glad you found us though--I think you'll find this a supportive, friendly place to be!


Okay, let me start by saying that I can be what some consider to be "overly sensitive" too.....but I am also honest. So since you asked, I'm going to share my thoughts--they are JUST thoughts and not meant to offend in any way! You can either reject them or agree with them--but they are only meant as "food for thought", okay?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 3:08pm

Hi Lori,
Thanks so much for offering me your support and advise. I really appreciate it.
You are dead right about getting a job first....above everything else. I know I need to try harder, but there is a mental resistance to that. Something that is pulling me down. I guess I am losing confidence and feel nothing is going to work. I need to somehow force myself to keep trying. I guess that is the only thing I can do. U r right about the low self-esteem (which leads to less confidence). You are right. I have all of these. About the suicide plans, no, I have not planned out anything. It's just a general feeling that I need to get out of this mess.

One thing I wanted to clarify though is that there was only One relationship that got messed up thru my anger. Rest all were either becoz I did not feel any chemistry with the person and stopped dating them, OR, they were the wrong guys for me (even though there was chemistry). Life is funny that way. Love doesn't always pick the "right" person. So I have been just plain unlucky. The CURRENT guy.....I am IN LOVE with him....but it's HIM....who is not ready yet, even though he likes me. He seems commitment phobic. He is scared of the M word for some reason. So it has been an issue with me as I am going thru this heartbreak now and I am totally confused whether to leave him alone, or keep in touch with him. Even thinking of dating other guys is filling me with guilt. When I love someone else, it doesn't make sense to see other guys. I will be doing them, and him and me injustice.

I have been in this country last 10 years. I still feel like people see me as an outsider, even though I have tried my best to assimilate in any situation. I recently started volunteering, but that feeling of feeling down in the dumps has not gone away.

My last workplace (it was a temp job) I worked with these 4 other girls. Two were african americans and two were hispanic. Each and everytime, they would get into deep conversations with their own races (the african american would only talk to the other african american and ignore all others....and the hispanic girl would only talk to the other hispanic girl) I was left in the middle, not knowing what to do. I tried participating in their conversation, smiling, being nice as always....nope, nothing worked. They were all in their mid 20's. One was in her mid 40's. Such experiences ruin not only my day, but make me feel terrible about myself. That's the time I miss people from my country and miss being in my own country, where atleast I would feel "included" without trying so hard! I have always felt "invisible" with people. There are very few people I have met, who are genuinely nice and open-minded and welcoming and treat everyone fairly, with a lot of awareness.

Anyways. You are right about a marriage not working for several reason just like a relationship doesn't. I know. I was just thinking aloud when typing and not censoring anything. I am very idealistic. Perhaps, that is the reason why I feel so disappointed often. I feel if there is love....it should go on forever. I feel love can be CREATED if both work willingly towards it. And I feel resentful, that....I wish both my parents had willingly worked towards making each other feel loved. I feel my Dad did not try, leaving my Mom very frustrtaed and in pain. Anyway, I cannot do anything about it, but go with the flow. There are lots and lots of things I cannnot control in life.

I think I do need to see a therapist and a doctor. But that can't happen, until I start earning.

Again, thanks Lori.
Your support has meant a lot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 6:01pm

Hey there,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 10:02pm

Hi Adri,

My first advice would be for you to work on one problem at a Time. First things first, as they say in 12 step programs.

And as part of that, try to figure out the underlying issues: What main problem is creating all the symptoms, or smaller issues, in your life? Unfortunately, only you can figure that out, probably with the help of someone who knows you really well or a therapist.

Hint: It will probably be something internal, and all these external things are symptoms of that. When one or two things go wrong it can be blamed on bad luck, but when everything falls apart at once there's usually some underlying issue that needs to be faced and resolved.

For instance, you can't control your parents divorce but you can control your reaction to it. The divorce is the external trigger, but it's your internal reaction that determines how well you cope with it, or don't cope with it.

This is not to blame or judge. Just some ideas of mine.

Something else I noticed- most of your issues deal with relationships, have you ever tried Co-da? It's a 12 step program for co-dependent people. I learned I was co-dependent by going to one of those groups. I used to be totally consumed with my relationships with my boyfriend (now my DH), my friends and family, etc., and it was only a distraction from working on myself! See, if I complained about them all the time, I didn't have time to take a good look in the mirror...that's how it works. Now I'm trying to be more balanced and pro-active and independent. I don't obsess as much over them because I'm too busy working on me, so if they want to be jerks, I don't have time for that nonsense. It's not my problem anymore.

So, I see that in you too...you're worried about finding the right guy, your friends, etc. and your family and it's distracting you from working on yourself such as finishing your Master's and building an independent life. Dont' waste time being jealous of your married friend, she may be more miseralbe than you in a year. Don't waste time looking for Mr. Right, look for your own power...and then you will attract a healthy man. Only a healthy person can attract a healhty relationship, becuase like attracts like. That's why you need to make yourself your number one priority.

When you are happy alone, that's when you'll attract a great man. When you don't need him anymore, LOL. That's how life works. Then you can be with him becuase you choose too, not because you NEED too.. and that is why and how you will find the kind of relationship you seek.




Edited 5/13/2006 10:29 pm ET by bluerains
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 12:51am

Hi bluerains, reading your post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you..
I think I need to print your reply and read it everyday.
You are very right. I have not been looking at myself. I am getting too consumed with other things, and not doing anything about it! I am not solving this from inside out, but getting dependent on outer things to bring me happiness. You are right. I need to work on myself. I spoke to the guy I love, today, and finally told him we need to take a one month break with no contact. It was tough saying this, considering how much I want to be with him. Being in touch with him, and thinking about him all day long did nothing, but got me more disappointment and hurt, and left me with nothing gained for my own self at the end of the day. He is not ready to commit, and really, I need to be stronger, and concentrate on other things in my life. This one month, I will make a commitment to myself to work on one thing at a time.

Thanks Lori, yes, I am so idealistic, and I sometimes feel I can never get rid of this trait. It's a part of me, and hence, more than others disappointing me, I disappoint my own self. I am even starting to withdraw from people and not get close to them, becoz I know there will be obstacles and hurts on the path as I have always experienced.

I will try to look for agencies that could help me talk to a therapist.
Regd depression, I know it might help to start with medications, but reading certain reviews have made me feel real scared becoz of the side effects and withdrawal symptoms.
A lot of people are saying to stay away from these meds, and to try other remedies. I don't know if I am ready to change my body's entire chemistry with these drugs. So I am just kinda apprehensive and quite scared of taking the plunge...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 1:22pm

Adri,

I have the same tendency to get overwhelmed and depressed. I'm really sensitive and can't stand rude or mean people. "m so sensitive that most of the time I don't want to leave the house becuase I know something will upstet me- every rude driver and rude person affects me greatly. It's a really hard habit to break- all the self defeating habits and ways of thinking and living. I'm having a really hard time, but I believe it's possible for anyone to be happier, if not thrilled with life, at least.

12 step groups are cheap, just a dollar donation per meeting. They help me sometimes. In fact I haven't been to mine in 6 months becuase I have to work that night, and I actually started to miss it. When I see others who are struggling like me, and some who have improved their lives a lot, it helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 3:49pm

I'm sorry that I didn't see your post sooner. I haven't been around much since I'm only at school two days a week and I forgot to check the triggers folder.


Feeling overwhelmed can be one of the worst feelings because it is, well, overwhelming. It takes up every facet of our life and worrying about one thing leads to worrying about another thing.


As far as school is concerned. Take it as a learning experience. I am kind of in the same situation. I started university in one degree, switched to another after first year. Took four years to complete a three year degree and now am completing a second degree because I think my first one was a weak teachable and my marks weren't that good. This second degree is supposed to take one year after a first degree because they count your first degree as your electives, but as with the first degree this will take me at least another half year. Then there is the correspondence work that I'm doing. I finished my counselling techniques diploma last year and am working on adult psychology and plan to take child psychology and then maybe looking at doing my masters in counselling

Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 7:49am
go to the anienty board and look for iceleste mine is worse
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 10:55am

Hi iceleste and welcome to the board. Is there anything we can help you/support you with? I'm wondering because you mentioned to two of our members that what you are dealing with is "worse!" May I politely say that we are not here to judge degrees of suffering.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 12:09pm
did not mean that way I meant that I understand what they are going through and not to forget that they still have good things in their life and foccused on it
I am really sorry if I did not express myself correctly the way I am now it is beter that I do not answer any post