feeling so desperate
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feeling so desperate
| Mon, 05-15-2006 - 1:45pm |
Hi All,,,,haven't been here in awhile,,,guess that could be taken as a 'good' thing I suppose. Just the last while though 'it' is all I can think of somedays. My life has been turned inside out and splayed across the tables for all to view in the past while because of dealings with cas and lawyers and workers and judges and court stuff. I am just so desperately unhappy,,,,even more so I am just so damn tired of playing this game that everything is 'okay', that I am 'okay',,,,to appease certain people and to get others to back off. I think of doing 'it',,,,,,and then I think of leaving all this mess with my poor innocent kids and it rips my insides apart. How I wish I had never been born,,,'yes' that would be the answer to all my problems,,,never been here so no one gets hurt because I just never would have existed! I play that thought over and over again to give myself some twisted comfort. It is dreadful here at home and yet I have to pretend it is all just fine. I don't trust anyone anymore, been betrayed and things were done behind my back and I am left to deal with the consequences of being stupid enough to think I could believe someone would help me. I don't even fully trust my psychdoc and can't because of the court stuff. I faithfully take my meds but they are not helping me enough. I'm having frightening dreams, so vivid and ones that wake me and terrify me,,,,one of these days I'm just gonna crash and maybe that might be a good thing as long as I crash hard enough. I know I need more help but can't ask anyone,,,,,just can't.

(((Abby)))
You have every right to show emotion and feel emotion in your situation. I know at times it is best not to let our emotions get involved, but that doesn't mean we don't feel them and it doesn't mean that we can just forget about them. They build up until you are about to explode (which I suspect is very soon). So how can we express our feelings? How about exercise, art,
Hi Abby,
Hi Abby,
"It is dreadful here at home and yet I have to pretend it is all just fine."
You shouldn't have to do that! Can you get away for awhile? Stay with a friend or relative, even check into a motel at a beautiful area, for a day or two to get a mental break?
Perhaps it is not you, but them? If people are making you really unhappy you deserve a break from them, and the stress, sometimes a short break is enough to give you a rest. You deserve you-time, away from negative energy.
I wish I wasnt' born a lot too, it would be better that way, but we're stuck with it and we didn't ask to be born but we are here now and sentenced to life. So...do whatever it takes to be happy, think of something that would make you happy and do it. It's the only way to endure the years and days and hours.