well it happened ..... pos Trigs????

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
well it happened ..... pos Trigs????
3
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 5:18pm

well I crashed like everyone said I would and luckily I was able to get to my T b4 things got too bad and her and I made an agreement that I would give the Risperdal, and Cymbalta a try b4 I go off of it so I have to stay on it for a month and that is where I find it real hard, it seems like when I start to feel better I go off of my meds and not always bc I feel as if I dont need them but some times I feel as if I dont deserve to be happy and healthy so I go off od my meds so I will crash and heopfully end it all, but then there is the part of me that doesnt want to be like my yucky nephew( which he was on the same meds as I am and he is very violent) I am worried I am going to be like him and lose control and hurt someone, I dont know much at all about this bipolar but that it is a chemical thing. I hate taking medicine for anything unless it is to help me lose weight and that is another thing my nephew was on the risperdal and gained like over 100 pounds and with my ED I cant gain a pound w/o freaking out, but I have been on my meds for a few days now and I am starting to fell better

today is a rollercoaster day I am busy but then I am so very very sad but then I get all peeved at the world and dont want anyone to care about me, why cant I jsut accept that I am a nice person and I do deserve a kind love, and I dont deserve to be hurt anymore, but yet I am still doing things that will get me seriously hurt or killed or get my kids hurt and yet it is like it will be ok bc I can protect my kids from anyone, I really HATE MYSELF EVERYDAY, and I really dont want ppl to like me or care about me, I feel like I am unlovable bc of my weight , looks, mental problems. Well no more pitty party for Mary
Thanks all for caring even tho I dont know why anyone would.

Mary

Mary
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 8:12pm

Hi Mary,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 8:54am

Hey Mary...i know EXACTLY how you feel. I feel the same way. THE SAME WAY! But, its just part of the depressive episode you are in right now, and it will get better. With Bipolar, it is chemical, and you can't control it without meds, on your own. You have to rely on your meds to help control those episodes...to even them out. Stabilize them. Its hard...it takes a long time sometimes. But it can be done. In the meantime, when you "crash", know within yourself, that you WILL COME BACK UP. Don't just go off your meds, because they ARE doing something.

I hate the meds too...but we have no choice.

The depressions in Bipolar are much harder and much lower than "regular" depression. More extreme. More dangerous. Stay on Cymbalta!!! Both of those, are GREAT meds.

I feel SO MANY times that I don't deserve to live, be happy, NOTHING! But that is BIPOLAR talking to us! You have to train yourself to know that BP will tell you all sorts of horrible negative stuff about you...and you can't believe it...okay? Cuz if you do, it will cause a sort of train wreck kind of response and then you will end up in the hospital again...I've been there 8 times in 4.5 years. Get rid of the negativity! And whatever you are doing to cause harm to yourself. Stop. Okay? I care for you, and you have an awesome chance right now to get better!

You won't gain weight on these meds, or "get violent". You have to be vigilant of every behavior that you have, and watch yourself. There are triggers, you know about triggers. You have to educate yourself about BP and find YOUR PERSONAL BP TRIGGERS. Whatever causes your BP to act up, causes you to feel bad again. And stay away from that as much as possible.

Love and Hugs,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 4:57pm

First I'd like to say that I have a friend on risperdal and hasn't gained any weight. I hope however that your eating disorder isn't controlling you right now too. That can wreak havoc on our meds and our moods.


And...I'm REALLY glad that you got to your doc right away.


You may not believe it but you do deserve to be happy. I want you to tell yourself that every day when you get up until you do believe it.


And yes we do care...for all the reasons you mentioned. You are nice and caring and deserve to be loved.


Always here to listen and only hope that I can be of some help,

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Amanda