Hi...not sure what to say...poss trigs
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| Tue, 05-16-2006 - 2:13am |
Hi again...it's been a while, and I'm not sure what to say. Maybe it's the fact that I had a meeting with my therapist and one with my pdoc in the same afternoon today, or maybe just because I'm so hopelessly depressed...I just don't have much to say. But I'm not feeling good at all, and not really sure what to do.
I have to start studying near-constantly for this licensing exam coming up...so that will be a distraction, I guess, if I can get myself to focus well enough. Other than that, my mind is free to worry about my inadequacies and anxieties and facing hospital work in a month...and has tended to go into more morbid things lately too.
I mentioned these (morbid things) very vaguely to my doctor when she asked, but what can she do, really, if I don't have a plan set or anything? So I just left her office, same medications, having found no more reason to live or anything (she did ask me what is keeping me alive...I said my parents, since I don't want to upset them...and then I guess having a career or something, which I kind of lied about since I couldn't care less about much of anything right now...just want to sleeeeeep the day away).
And the fire alarm went off in my building a few days ago...I was in bed, and decided not to get up...mainly because I was too comfortable, but also because I just didn't care...if there were an actual fire, all the better...sick, I know.
I've been on these meds a month, but she says it may take longer to get full effects...we'll see, I guess (I'd been on these meds before and probably shouldn't have gone off...I wish she--the doctor--hadn't supported me in doing so!).
But whatever...can you tell I'm bitter?! Sorry...guess my personality is even worse than I thought (oh, this doctor also diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder a while back, though my therapist doesn't agree...and that makes me even more frustrated with things).
Thanks, as always, for listening (guess I did find things to say!), sorry for taking up your time and never showing up regularly,
Rose

Hey Rose...I don't post much here, but I'm always lurking to see how everyone is doing. I've missed you. I'm in a sort of hell myself right now. My husband left me 3 weeks ago, has been having an affair with the neighbor and I had no idea. He was the one who kept me alive, and I am lost.
Anyway, I'm learning, through my pain, how to do this on my own...or trying to anyway.
Come on over to the borderline board if you want. I'm there every day.
Love you,
Keli
Hi Rose,
First off, no appologies...not for posting and not for not posting.
I'm sorry that you're so depressed and hope the meds start to work again soon. I also hope that your therapist can be more helpful in the future, providing things to work on and finding things to feel better about.
I hope you will continue to post and stay safe. You know what to do if you're not. Call your therapist, call 911, but you don't have to face those suicidal thoughts alone. Keep posting here. I want to know you're still safe. Hugs,
Keli, thanks for writing...I'm so sorry to hear about what's been going on with you. You are strong enough to get through this, and you will have help! I hope you realize, you have a lot of inner strength that you may never even have discovered before...and you will find your "own way" again.
Sorry if I ventured into cheesiness, it's late at night and I'm medicated...I may stop by the borderline board, though I get upset sometimes when I think about that label being applied to me. Guess I should at least learn to deal with whatever qualities got me that label in the first place, though...
Thanks again...just buried myself in studying and sleeping again, as expected. My therapist and I talked about maybe taking a leave of absence or something, but my psychiatrist didn't think that would do any good...and I haven't mentioned anything of the sort to my parents...I guess I'll just face things like I always do, avoid them til the last minute and then sabotage myself by getting in over my head...which I think is what my therapist was trying to help me avoid! Oh well...
Hope you're doing a little bit better every day...I know it must be a long, hard road,
Rose
Thanks so much, Lori...you're always like a beacon of hope on this board no matter how long I'm gone! It is hard to imagine that things will ever get better for me, of course, since I only see them going downhill from here...right now, I have to study 12 or so hours a day for the next 3 weeks (should be studying more, but I sleep in, waste time), but this is nothing to me compared to my overwhelming dread of what's to come afterwards. I'm so socially anxious that working with people all day, and being evaluated constantly, and the stress of long, long days and nights...I just don't see it happening.
I know that's been an issue forever with me, so I don't want to bore you with much more of the same. I guess I have at least had less time to think about morbid things these past few days. And my neurologist wants me to try a new medication for my migraines (which have become constant-- stress, I'm sure), which is Depakote, also a mood stabilizer, so I'm hoping maybe it might have some benefit there too? (Though still, no one says I'm bipolar, and I guess I'm not, so it's not being prescribed for that).
Anyway, sorry, rambling...I don't even know how to have a normal conversation anymore. I haven't done much for myself lately, and routine has gotten kind of lost. I've gone days without showering (common for me when depressed), my bedroom is like one big trash can...I have been trying to make myself get out at least part of the day to study with friends lately, though.
Thanks again for your post, I really do appreciate it...hope you too are doing OK,
Rose
Thank you, Amanda...that really helped. I hope my therapist and I can figure some more things out too...she did say near the end of the session, "I feel like I'm making you feel worse instead of better!". But at least she realized that and said it...and I think what we were talking about was helpful or necessary...so I think she's a very good therapist overall.
Possible triggers....
I will try to stay safe...I guess it's easier now that I have studying to focus on, although I know it's only a distraction from the real problems. It's often been that situation when I'm very tempted to do something harmful, but I'm not planning to exactly, though I have been impulsive before and done things like that anyway...but there's nothing that my doctor can really do to help when I'm just feeling that bad. She mentioned possibly increasing the dose of my meds, but said she'd rather wait to see how this dose works out since I haven't been on it quite long enough.
So I guess I'll wait and do my best...not much to live for, but no overwhelming reason to end my life right now either...so until one or the other comes up, I guess I'll wait and, as my mom says about other things, "just do the best you can" with what I've got. Sounds like a sad, empty life, doesn't it? I'm sure it would just take one really bad thing happening to push it in the other direction, so I feel like I'm just kind of waiting for that bad thing.
Sorry, this post was completely morbid and probably didn't even make that much sense...that's what happens when you type after taking Ambien! Oops...sorry again about that. Hope I didn't trigger anyone...I'll feel really bad if I have.
Thanks again,
Rose
Hi Rose,
"So I guess I'll wait and do my best...not much to live for, but no overwhelming reason to end my life right now either" Well I'll take that as something somewhat positive and say that your post wasn't entirely morbid. You say "not much" to live for, then there must be at least something. Hold on tight to that.
Good to hear that your therapist recognizes that she may need to do more to help you.
Don't feel bad about triggers, you did warn us of it. Beyond that it is other people's free will to read or not to read your post.
I find it interesting that you are on Ambien, after what I heard about it yesterday. My pastor told me that there is a court case going on right now where a man was caught "drunk driving" and swore he was asleep. And there are other evidences of people driving and eating in their sleep on that med. Now I don't mean to scare you off the med, but it may be something to talk about with your doctor. But if it is working for you, even a bit, then stick with it.
Hugs,