TRIGGERS...had a bad night...

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Registered: 03-27-2003
TRIGGERS...had a bad night...
8
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 2:24am

Thank you all for your posts to me. I don't know why I can't seem to listen to anybody, even to my own good judgment. This is the triggering part...

so last night I ended up taking a medication "cocktail" that included 8 pills' worth of Benedryl, among other things. I don't even really know why. I'm already on probably 6 different prescription meds (which I also took), so I know that adding anything to the mix is a bad idea...but I guess I also knew it most likely wouldn't kill me.

I did get a scare, though...started not being able to walk straight or even stand up without holding onto something, heart feeling weird...so I climbed into bed thinking there was a chance I might not wake up, but that that was really OK. I don't even know if that's what I was really thinking, though, that's how confused I am!

But physically now I seem to be fine. I had a doctor's appointment scheduled already for today for migraines, and I hate myself so badly for doing this, but I did bring up the fact that I'd taken too many pills...the doctor said the quantity I took really wasn't quite "overdose" levels, so she didn't seem too concerned. And I agree that this definitely wasn't a suicide attempt...since I could have taken much more and have been done with it...

So I don't know why I did something so stupid...I thought I was "over" that. And now remembering that I told my doctor about it (who I may have to see in a professional setting later on too) makes me hate myself even more and want to hurt myself more. I also did call my therapist, and fortunately she was there...she said it was probably just a way for me to "check out" of life for a little while, which I think is true...and she did all the necessary things like asking if I had a plan to do it again, etc (which I said no)...and that if I'm tempted again, to call my psychiatrist's emergency hotline.

So I guess I know all there is to know...sorry to post something like this...I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest. I know I've been incredibly stressed lately with this huge exam coming up and then starting work in the hospital...but I can't put *myself* in the hospital right now!

I did start the Depakote a few days ago, and I wonder if it's had a weird effect of making me much more down...I've heard that could happen...it's supposed to be good for migraines, though...

Thanks so much for listening and for all the support you've given me...I'm sorry if I always seem to be doing this...

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2006
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 5:58am

Hi Rose,
I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I can totally relate to taking the "cocktail" of pills. I did that for 3 days in row...increasing the amount each time. I also took benadryl, along with Ambien, Xanax, and tylenol PM. I experienced the same feelings you did. Since I was increasing my dosage each time...I did call my pdoc, and she thinks it's best for me to go to the hospital. So...that's where I'm headed today. Please take care of yourself, and call someone if you feel like taking anything again. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

(((Hugs)))...Renee

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Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 3:32pm

Hey Rose,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 3:00am

Thank you both very much...

Renee, I hope you are feeling a little bit better at the hospital and that you will get the help you need there. Thanks so much for posting to me.

Lori, thanks to you too. I did take your advice and stayed around people most of the day (just studying, but still), and that was probably a good thing...made me feel like I was capable of at least acting somewhat normal during the day (though at night is when it gets bad).

So far, though, no one has told me that I should be hospitalized...I just brought it up because I'm expecting that my therapist might mention it. I have an appointment with her tomorrow, fortunately. One major issue I have with going to the hospital is that this is "my" hospital, where my friends are working as med students and my professors are working as doctors...the same doctors who will be evaluating me as a student this year!

I know, it's all too complicated and messy...besides, the doctors already know me from a previous hospitalization and ECT treatments, and I'm already half-panicked about having to work with them professionally when they were the ones treating me before! (especially because psychiatry might be one of the more interesting fields to go into, in my mind). And I hardly remember how I acted back then (due to the ECT), but I know it must have been bad!

Anyway...I did manage to talk to my mom today about the possibility of taking the first month off of working to try to deal with my "issues" and health, etc. I'm not sure how feasible or even worthwhile that would be to do, but I guess I'll see...I think my therapist is leaning in that direction too, of thinking that would be a good idea. (Although my psychiatrist thought it was an awful one-- since I'll still have to face exactly the same issues a month later, and that actually "getting in and doing it" would be therapeutic in itself-- so how do you deal with that??!).

Sorry, I'm rambling and this is all out of context anyway...it was so nice to read your post, though, and I have thought about it a while. I'm hoping that maybe with the distraction of studying many hours a day (which I'm supposed to do, but never end up doing!), I can get through this without having to be admitted...but even now, it is tempting just to take more pills...ridiculous, I know...

Thanks again to both of you...hope you're having a peaceful night,

Rose

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Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 11:55am

Hi Rose,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 2:00pm

Rose,

I have a question. You don't have to answer unless you feel like it. Why do you want to be a doctor? I'm not judging you or discouraging you in any way, but I've read your posts for over a year and every time you mention med school or being a doctor it's in a stressful way. I just wonder why you are putting yourself through this, because med school never seems to make you happy.

Do you think you would be happier in a lower stress lifestyle? Honestly, maybe it's not just your issues, it's the high stress lifestyle. I bet I would have a breakdown if I was in med school, you have to have nerves of steel for some jobs.

I just can't imagine a sensitive, easily stressed out person like me being happy in a high stress profession. I would never tell you what to do or judge you, but I wonder if it's possible to be happy if your lifestyle does not match your personailty. Of course, I'm only assuming you're like me, but I don't know you well enough to say, so ignore this if it's bad advice. But we seem to be alike in some ways, like anxiety and social phobia.

It's just something to consider. Of course, look at the source...I do not have a successful career. However, I think my life is calmer and happier than if I was trying to force myself into a high stress careeer when I'm not suited for it. You can be successful at a less stressful job.

If being a doctor was your dream, I wouldn't even mention this, but I never got that feeling from your posts.

I have given up several good career opportunities becuase I knew I could not handle the stress. I KNEW that given my anxiety issues, I would only hurt myeself if I took on more than I could handle. Now, a lot of people are probably really disappointed in me because they think I took the easy way out. But they don't understand how it is to walk in my shoes. I may be intelligent, more than average, but along with that I have extreme empathy and extreme anxiety, and I NEED to reduce stress in my life as much as possible or I will definately have a breakdown, the only question is when.

That's my story, and I won't lie and say it's easy becusae I would like to have a huge salary and prestige of a great job. But if it also comes with high stress, it's not worth the cost of my health. Is it worth it to you?




Edited 5/24/2006 2:29 pm ET by bluerains
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 4:07pm

Rose,


I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so down right now. I hope you will be safe with your pills from now on, and contact your therapist or the hospital if the suicidal thoughts become so bad.


Hugs,

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Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 1:59am

Thank you, bluerains...I know it's been a little while since you posted this...I've just been studying, and thinking...I've thought a lot about what you wrote, too. I'm not sure if I could come up with an answer anymore as to why I want to be a doctor...I do know that there have been a few "medical people" (med students, etc) who have changed my life for the better, or even just helped me through a hard time, and I guess I envisioned maybe being one of those kinds of people. I'm realizing, though, that all my best intentions may not get expressed well if I have so much social anxiety, and if I myself can't deal with the stress.

I know this will not seem like a good "reason" in the scheme of things...but a year or so back, I had this discussion with my parents about maybe dropping out of school and finding some other field. They told me that I had to make the decision before tuition payments for this year were due (which is understandable, considering the cost)...and I decided to stay. (I didn't have a therapist then and was trying desperately to get in to see one...but no openings).

And the crazy thing is, I don't know that I'd necessarily be happier in a lower-stress job...I always feel like I'm not doing "enough" or accomplishing anything, and I think that would just add to the guilt.

Then again, it's not like I've been able to do a whole lot lately...I ended up going to the emergency room yesterday because the nausea and vomiting from my migraines and my new medication were so bad I was really dehydrated! I took myself off that med today and am feeling much better...but still, I slept until noon and then went back to bed at 3 PM... and that's not unusual for me if I don't have a place I have to be. I don't know how I'll be able to be successful at *any* job, much less this one...I guess that's what my therapist means when she talks about self-sabotage...

Oh well, sorry to go on so long. I really appreciate what you wrote...it definitely got me thinking, and will keep me thinking. Thanks, and I hope you are doing OK too,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 10:32am

I'm glad it didn't upset you, Rose. I have to say I admire your hard work and motivation. As long as you are happy and doing what you want to do, not becuase of peer pressure or family pressure.

You are right that underachieving has it's own stressses and problems, and headaches. I think the ideal place would be to find a balance. Too bad it's so hard.

There is no easy solution, is there?