My story. Possible triggers
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| Tue, 05-30-2006 - 9:41pm |
I am new here and am not sure where the best place to post is. But I am really struggling right now. I have PTSD with flashbacks of some sexual abuse from the time I was 15 (and a couple more recent exposures). I have tried to kill myself several times. Once I had kids, I decided I needed to get help. I have been in therapy and on and off meds (none seem to help) for about four years. I have a difficult relationship with my husband and a distant one with my family.
I have been in my current job not quite a year. Two months ago, my boss was replaced. My new boss motivates through fear. We won't know anything about our organization structure for another four weeks at least. He keeps telling us that he doesn't stand for anything but top performance and that we need to figure out whether or not we want to be a part of his crew. My husband works part time, so I really have to have this job. For the last couple of months I have just put my head down and tried to perform. Things fell apart today.
I haven't self-harmed in almost six months. I was so close today. It's the only thing I can do to stop the suicidal throughts. I hate it...I don't want to do it, but having tried before, I don't want to try (or fail???) in the suicide arena again. I think the only things that really saved me were that I kept slipping in and out of "consciousness" (not really, but the only other thing I know to call it is losing time...you just "wake up" (though you were never asleep) and you don't know where the time has gone) and that I could come here and read your posts. All of a sudden I didn't feel quite so alone.
I don't know really what to do or say...I know there isn't anything anyone can really do. I guess there really isn't much point in this post. I guess I can at least thank you for keeping me company through the day.

Hi Catgirl,
I just wanted to say hi and welcome. That boss sounds awful. Is there any way you can quit, it sounds like a nightmare. I hate my job too but at least I only work part time. I've been trying to get another job before I quit but I can't and soon I think I can't take it anymore. (Maybe very very soon!)
Good for you that even though you felt the urge to harm yourself, you did not do it. I think if this job is triggering you, it's dangerous to your health. I think you deserve peace of mind.
No one deserves a bad work environment. I hate my job because customers are so mean. Last night this guy came in, he's very intimidating and causes a scene every time he comes in becuase he doesn't feel like following our rules. (I work in a library.) He was ranting, "You people make my life so hard! Blah blah blah blah," and the worst part was that I can't do anything becuase he's a customer. He's not the only one like that. And then there are the people who don't bother to shower or wash their clothes ever, the smell is terrible. And it's so hot there, that I feel like I'm going to pass out and I was soaked with sweat. Every time I come home I'm in a bad mood. But I think you have it even worse. So I say, quit becuase no job is worth your life.
I'm also sorry about the sexual abuse you suffered. No one deserves that.
I hope you feel a little better today despite everything, and you can get support from a doctor, therapy group, family, or friend.
Hi Catgirl and welcome to the board... You mentioned you didn't know what board was most appropriate? From what I can see, you could post at any one of the following: Crisis Center, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Sexual Abuse Survivors, Self Injury and of course, us! Although I'm sorry you are going through what you are dealing with, I'm glad we can be here for you and I'm sure the other boards would also offer you a warm welcome as well!
We share a similar history... In fact, reading your post I felt as if I could have written it a while back! The sexual abuse, the PTSD, the suicidal impulses and the self injury and the low self esteem. Also, you described the loss of "consciousness" because you didn't know what else to call it. I experienced that too. It is called "Dissociation" and a person who does this often has abuse in their history--or some other painful trauma. They learned early on to "numb out," to "go away." In other words, they disassociate themselves from what is happening to them using their mind. It falls along a spectrum--ranging from the typical dissociative experience called "highway hypnosis" where you are driving somewhere and just go on "automatic" to the far end of the spectrum which used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder but is now called Dissociative Identity Disorder (or D.I.D.). Some people choose to view this phenomenon as "dysfunctional" but many nowadays recognize it as a creative self protective device that no longer works as well as it used to. The key is learning to CONTROL these episodes--to bring ourselves back to present when they occur. A somewhat new therapy that specializes in helping folks like us is DBT--Dialectical Behavioral Therapy which was pioneered by Marsha Linehan. You can look up more information on it--and my co-cl schitz (Amanda) has posted some excellent information on this in previous posts!
Thanks for both of your responses. I feel so alone in this place. Then I disociate (?) and when I snap back i feel so desperate for contact with people. I am so glad I found these boards.
It is funny, Lori....I talked to my therapist yesterday and she said almost exactly the same thing about my work situation triggering a PTSD kind of episode. She walked me through the last several weeks and what she had seen in me. The stress let up a bit on Friday and I started a down-hill spiral. The problem is, last time I was in that spiral it ended up in a possible suicide attempt.
My kids are four and two. I keep (irrationally as my therapist keeps telling me) feeling like they would be better off with a different mom. It's a little weird. They are why I do everything I do, but I have a hard time being with them too. I wake up in the morning and lie in bed until I have to get up, either because of my husband or the kids. Then I do everything I can to get to a place where I can be by myself. Same thing at night or on weekends.
I feel like I have been trying for so long to get over this that there is no way it will ever get any better. It just never seems to change.
blech.
Hey "Cat,"