low self esteem and problems w/ friends
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| Mon, 06-19-2006 - 2:03am |
Hi everyone, this is my first time posting here =D
I am posting because I feel that I have reached a breaking point, and I have no self esteem right now. I know that as a girl I'm supposed to have complain to my girl friends about problems in my relationships with men and etc...but it's always really been the opposite for me. I have a wonderful boyfriend right now, but I feel so so upset and unvalued by my female friends. I think women see some sort of scarlet letter on me that says "loser" right away or something. I would really like to have a close-knit group of female friends, but it seems that my girl friends dont return my calls, or want to invite me to hang out with them. I am saddend by the thought that I'm 24 years old and if I didn't call my girl friends, it would be 3 months probably before any of them would reach out to me. That's how little I mean to them...
With the exception of the friends that call exclusively to vent about their boyfriends, and spew all their toxic anger on me. Every phone call that I get from this particular friend is her venting about an ex-boyfriend. She never calls me if something good happend to her, or just to chat. I feel like killing myself when I think that I'll never be part of a group, or that girls will never see me as someone really interesting and worthwhile. All I want is just for someone to care, to reach out to me and see how I'm doing every now and then, or want to relate a funny story to me....just to see me laugh. I dont want to have to contact people all the time to keep open the lines of communication. I want them to want to contact me!!!! I want to be worth something to girls.
The sad thing is.......and this is what drives me nuts....is that I am a good person, and I treat my friends with respect and kindness, and return their calls, reach out to them, and am sensitive to their needs, and I feel all I get is that I'm walked all over, or that I'm always the one initiating.
It's gotten to the point where I'm actually afraid of women. I will see a girl and immediately see the ways they could potentially hurt me. And I really hate thinking negative thoughts about people. But considering my past experience, I don't see what I can do to prevent this.
Anytime I've asked a friend, gently, if I'm doing anything to provoke them to snap at me, or not return my calls or whatever, they all say...no no, you are so nice, it's not you, i've just been busy or whatever......but then every weekend, here I am....nobody calls me to hang out....I'm just watching sex and the city all by myself (or with my boyfriend) in bed wondering why nobody seems interested in hanging out with me.
I've always believed that if you are a good person, it will come back to you....karma.....and vice versa, but I think maybe my friends are all taking advantage of me...and yet I dont know if I can change.....I'm too afraid that they will leave me (it's happend before) or get angry with me if they know how disrespected and unvalued by them I feel, and how upset I am at them......but I feel so dishonest thinking negative thoughts about them without telling them.....
Anyways, as you can tell, my personal life is a mess......thank you for reading this.....and if you have any advice for me, I would really appreciate it.
Leah

Hi Leah,
I'm 27, and have had similar problems since I graduated from school. I don't have abusive friends, but they are long distance and pretty wrapped up in their own life. I can also go months without hearing from them, unless I call, and even then I often have to leave several messages to get one back.
Now I don't call them as much even though I still care about them. I try to get used to being alone.
I recently made a local friend who's a co-worker. She's really nice but again it's the same thing- she's too busy to call me. She has kids and three jobs and goes to school so I know it's not that she doesn't care. She's just too busy.
However, if your friends are actually mean to you it's time to drop them. One problem I see is that you define "friendship" too easily. If people are ignoring you and neglecting you, making you feel bad, they're not friends Leah. They're aquaintances at best. Mabye with time or at the right time and place they could become friends, but I wouldn't call any of those people a friend right now.
I don't think this has to do with being female, I think it's easier to find a romantic relationship than a friend. Becuase romance is more exciting for most people and then they get all wrapped up in it and tend to forget anything else. I'm just curious, why do you think this is because they're girls? I think it's becuase they're shallow maybe, or busy, or thoughtless, but plenty of men are that way too. Some girls are just as kind and loyal as you are...try not to get prejudiced against other women.
I think the only thing you can do is wait, keep an eye out for a person like you. And in the meantime cut the fake friends out of your life completly. It will make you feel good and help your self esteem. And if one or two are real friends, it will show them how ignored and neglected you feel.
By the way, I believe it's not you because I'm a loyal, kind, understanding friend and I'm in the same boat. I know it's not me. I bet it's not you either. Sometimes I really want a friend to go to a movie with, or the mall, or for a walk in the park, etc. But I wind up alone a lot. Most of the time I don't mind, but sometimes it's hard. I know there's a friend out there for you, it's just a question of where and when.
Edited 6/19/2006 2:17 pm ET by bluerains
Hi Leah and welcome to the board! I'm sure you will find us a friendly group and a safe place to come and "vent."
Contrary to popular belief, it can be hard making friends! After all, it is no longer the "Hi my name is ____, what's your name? Wanna play?" routine that comes quite easily to children. As we get older, we discover more of who we are, what we stand for and what we want and don't want in a friend. Sometimes this means that some friendships no longer "work" for us. Our lives and values change and the friendships drift and/or become extremely one-sided.
Other times, we find ourselves letting friendship happen--or not--rather than taking a more ACTIVE role in choosing our friends--which, I believe is necessary for compatibility's sake as we get older. Another point worth making is that many of us have friends that fulfill different roles in our lives ...this is described much more eloquently in a book titled "Necessary Losses" by Judith Viorst. THere are the coworker type of friends, the casual acquaintances, the friend we have because we grew up with her, and a variety of others. (Again, you'd have to read this book to have a much better understanding of it all!)
Leah, welcome to the board.
I know how you feel about the "scarlet letter" for me it is in social situations. I feel like people KNOW that I feel like an outsider and perpetuate that through their own behaviour.
Sometimes our girlfriends are not the ones to talk to. And that's why this board is so great. You are around a group of like-minded people who understand and are struggling with the same things as you. Our "outside" friends sometimes just don't get it, or we know that they aren't approachable about these things. My friends also wouldn't reach out to me if I didn't call for 3 months or even longer.
You are a nice person and that will eventually come back to you, but maybe not from the friends that you now have. That's the unfortunate truth.
My therapist told me that I needed to try to make NEW friends. Ha what a tall order that is. It's impossible to make new friends, or at least it seems. It is definately hard, in any case.
Hang in there and take advantage of the friends you have on this board that will be here for you and understand what you are going through.
Hugs,