Question from a newbie...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Question from a newbie...
5
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 11:25am

A little history...  I am a Mom to 4, my youngest just turned 1 and has already battled cancer.  I have been married to DH for 8 years.  I had major depression issues in my teens, but they have kind of subsided over the years.  Recently I have been haveing some major depression episodes, I think they might be hormonally triggered given that they come right before AF, but I'm talking MAJOR!  Anyway, I think I would probably benefit from seeing someone about it, but DH is totally unsupportive about it.  I have been surrounded by unsupportive people about my depression my whole life.  I suffored from PTST when I was in my teens and my Mother was awful about me seeing someone, in fact she would'nt buy my medictions that me Phsy. put me on.  Now my DH just does'nt want to hear about any depression I might be feeling.  I dont really know why.  Anyway does anyone have any suggestion for me, I really feel the need to talk with someone, but I really cant let my DH know!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 12:42pm

Hi Jrrmom!

Evidently your Mom and DH are afraid to talk about or consider your depression. Maybe it's the ostrich syndrome: If we don't talk about it, it's not there! Or maybe they are deep down scared that if you do talk to someone, they'll turn you against them and you'll change. Also, perhaps deep down they are afraid it is their fault- and they don't want you talking to any doctor who will blame them and turn you against them! Finally, some people are terrified of strong emotions and prefer to repress them- both in themselves and in their family.

Many times people who don't know much about psychology are afraid of it and have all sorts of preconcieved notions. We know that good therapists never blame someone else for your problems, but they don't know that. We also know it's not their fault, but they might not know that.

There could be a lot of other reasons- but you know your DH and mom best! Anyway, even if your DH doesn't like it he can't stop you can he? Does he try to control you?

To tell you the truth, it kind of scares me too that DH goes to a therapist- and talks about me- becuase I also worry that he'll decide to leave me! But becuase I love DH and I don't control him, he goes anyway. I think a little fear is natural- but it's your life and your health. And a little education and reassurance on your part may help.

I don't think you should hide it from your DH because secrets and lies are really bad for marraiges. And if you really feel like you can't tell him, it's a bad sign. Even if he hates the idea you should be able to at least discuss it with him. I mean, you could call a crisis line without him knowing, but then you'd probably feel guilty and if he finds out he'd be twice as mad. What would he do if you saw a therapist? Sulk, refuse to pay for it, get angry, give you the silent treatment, or get violent? I think we need more info to understand your situation.




Edited 6/20/2006 12:49 pm ET by bluerains
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2006
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 1:24pm

Hi jrrmom.

My dh is not supportive of meds or therapy either. He let me go to therapy one time and the therapist ended up putting me in the hospital. After I fell apart again, I went back to therapy without him knowing. He was angry, mean and said he couldn't trust me with our kids. I need to be in therapy though, so I continue to go. In fact, I have also taken meds which would send him over the edge, but sometimes it's been the only way to take care of me.

I don't like what I am doing. But I am not strong enough to let him know and manage the consequences right now. That being said, that is something that I work on with my therapist. I'd be dead now without her though.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 3:14pm

Hi there and welcome to the board! Although I'm sorry you are hurting right now, I'm glad you found us and I think you will find us a supportive group!


I am so sorry to hear of your struggles with your baby having cancer! How is she now? You have a tremendous amount of strength to have gotten this far but now it's time to "refuel" it sounds like!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 3:23pm

Hi Catgirl and welcome! Thank you for posting in support of jrrmom and also for sharing a bit of yourself with us!


Others may disagree with my take on this but I think if it's to the point where you've done what you could to feel better, you've tried to explain your position to your husband and ask for his support, and you've given it some time then you need to take matters into your own hands and get yourself some help before it escalates! Of course, that may not be right for everyone but it sounds like you did the right thing for you!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 4:58pm

Hi and welcome to the board.


I am so sorry that you are surrounded by unspportive people. That does make getting help hard, but maybe getting help is exactly the support you need depsite those around you.


I hope that you will consider finding someone to talk to and possibly get meds. Of course keep talking to us here and we will hopefully be a part of that supportive network that you need.


Amanda