Newbie... Can't Do It Anymore...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2005
Newbie... Can't Do It Anymore...
6
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 4:28am

Hi I'm a newbie..I apologize for the length but I need to get this out...

I'm 21 and my therapist has diagnosed me as clinically depressed. I haven't been going to my therapist in the past 3 months (just too busy). She wanted to put me on medication. However my parents have refused to allow me to do so for 2 reasons. 1. they believe that she just wants to pump me full of drugs for the money and 2. they don't want me to become a junkie. I believe that my parents are the most cause for my depression. I was arrested last august and they forked over $10,000 to help pay for my lawyer. Now that $10,000 is just looming over my head. They won't let me go out unless it's school or for work. I haven't seen my friends since last year. Every single time I do go out for one or the other I hear "don't drink, don't do drugs and don't go near your friends." I go home and I'm yelled at constantly. I'm being told I'm lazy and I'm inconsiderate. I'm told to do things when my parents have been home for hours on end and it could've been done by them while I've been at work for 10 hours at a time. I keep failing out of school. I hate coming home when my parents are here because I just cringe at the thought of just being told what to do and why I'm just a disappointment so I try to work as often as possible.

I hear all the things my friends have done. They laugh and they talk about what party they've been to or where they're going to go after they do things or how their relationships with their SO's are. Then they look at me with pity eyes and leave. I feel isolated and shut away from the world. I get invited to places when they know full well I can't go. I go home and sit alone in the dark at night and just cry because it's summer and this is what I'm doing with my time. Just sitting here and read these boards (i'm not knocking them, I love reading them). I can see myself looking back at my life later on (if there will be a later on) and just cry because this has become my life. Alone, isolated and just going stir crazy. My only companion is my dog and he can't talk. He can only show so much before he just walks away.

I try to go out and make new friends but it's really hard to when you can't go out. I try to take the initiative on the opposite sex and try to ask them out. I get laughed at, spit on, and just get called ugly names. Unless it's sex...they always want sex. Apparently I'm not good enough to date but good enough for a 5 minute sex session.

Recently I was raped and on top of that I can't eat, I can't sleep and I've..I've just had it. I can't see myself going on any longer. I feel trapped and lost. I can't take it anymore. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 8:27am

Hi Penguinite (I love your screen name by the way--I collect penguins!) and welcome to the board--although I wish you were in a better place emotionally so as not to need such a place. I wish all of us never felt "that bad!"


Let me begin by urging you to continue with the therapy.... You've got a lot on your plate and I know from experience that the earlier you deal with these things in life, the better!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 10:12am

Hi Pengunite,

I love your screen name! I adore penguins too. I recently saw two baby penguins at an aquarium. A four month old baby was sitting on a rock in the exhibit. And then when the keeper came for feeding time, she was carrying an even YOUNGER baby penguin- I wish you and Lori were with me, you would have loved it! The youngest penguin was still fuzzy and the keeper put him down next to her and he was leaning on her knee while she fed the adult penguins! It was so precious.

I read your post, and I wanted to reassure you that this won't last forever. No matter how unlikely it seems, you will move out of your parents home and be independent- if I did it, you can too.

I love my parents but I really wanted to be independent, but at the same time I was terrified of it. So when I was 22 I moved in with another family member instead. It turned out that even though I loved her, I couldn't stand her lifestyle- and I realized it had been better with my parents! Yes, hard to believe, sometimes you only see that something isnt' so bad when you end up somewhere worse.

So at that point I thought I had screwed up everything becuase my parents were mad and hurt that I left, and I felt like I had no options, but I did move and I've moved around many times since. Now I don't feel tied down anywhere. It is really hard to move but it's possible.

You definately need support about being raped- that's important.

Were your parents like this before you got arrested or are they acting this way becuase they're scared? Fear can change people a lot. I bet your parents aren't happy living this way either.

Just know a lot can happen in the age between 21 and 25, it's a real period of change and growth for most people. Your life is just starting and it's been off to a rocky start but it WILL get better in time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 3:29pm

Hi Blue,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 5:03pm

Welcome to the board.


I'm sorry to hear that your parents are so unsupportive. Much of it comes from fear and misunderstanding of the mental health system. The verbal lashings that they send your way are definately not helpful. Only making your depression worse.


You need to find people that are supportive of your decision to get help. Even if you don't go on medication, hopefully you can find support in your therapist. And of course here, we are here for you.


I'm sorry to hear that trying to make friends or talk to men has sucked. It is definately a hard thing to do. I too have had the experience of men only wanting to use me for sex. But that's the red flag and get out of there. You don't need or deserve to be a sex object.


I too have a history of sexual abuse and assualt. It complicates things much further and in my case, and perhaps yours, can be the root of these other problems.


Keep coming back and posting here.


Hugs,

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Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 5:25pm
You are a fantastic person. You are really special. But you don't stand much of a chance living with your parents. They're not really parents to you - parents nurture, support and protect. Try to find a way to get independent and get out. I was there exactly in your shoes (plus a ton of physical abuse and violence). You deserve great things, but you have to go out and get them. You've got big steps ahead of you, but take all your courage into your hands, try to think and plan and be as smart as you can, and go out there - build the life you deserve. Please don't think about ending it. I tried that option, and take it from me: it doesn't help at all. It really screws things up horribly. There are other ways to escape. Wanting to end it all is you wanting to escape the situation you are currently in - and that is healthy for you to want to escape, because it's such a harmful environment for you. And please, try to go to a rape counseling place, and join support groups. I've been attending Women In Distress group sessions, and they are wonderful! We all laugh and we cry together. The support is immense. I've found so much support, real love, and real nurturing. It will make you feel like a totally different, a totally new person. Good luck. You deserve so much.
Love K
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 10:04am
Hi K, and welcome to our board! What a caring and inpsirational message you posted--thank you!! Please feel free to join us--jump in wherever and whenever and make yourself at home! Hugs, Lori
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