Might have lost my best friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Might have lost my best friend
11
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 8:20pm

I've been best friends with someone, I'll call her Amy, for 14 years. I love her like a sister. In the past few years I've been really worried about her.

She's been in this emotionally (mutually) abusive realtionship, always seems sad, and has money problems. Her relationship is very stormy and has started to become physical...minor things so far like pushing and slapping. (again, mutual). She has no job. She has lived with a few other people for the past few years, never in a healthy situation, and hasn't had a full time job in several years. (Neither do I, but I'm job searching and she's not.)

In the past six months she has menitioned suicide twice. When I asked her about it she said she didn't mean it. But I've been so scared about everything. Recently she and her bf broke up again. But since she has no money, I'm scared she will go back to him. I think that's the reason she stayed with him so long...although I KNOW she's not purposely using him, he makes her miserable so I think if she could leave financhially, she would. She has a family member she could live with though, so it IS possible, just not ideal.

Up till now I've been supportive, and not broken out the "tough love". But things have gotten so explosive lately, and she's mentioned some things that she's consdering that really scare me, so I wrote her a "tough love" email. I oultlined the self destructive pattern I saw, and I said I was worried she would try suicide, I asked her not to go back to her bf, and I encouraged her to be independent. I said she was too good to need or dependent on anyone.

I also gently asked her to focus on getting a job and being independent instead of always and only thinking about her bf, and making him her life. I know she'll never be safe or happy unless she is indpendent. In fact she is in a really dangerous situation right now financhially, and I"m really worried about her.

Well, she's really upset at me now and probably not speaking to me. Although I said a lot of loving, positive things in the email, she only saw the bad. I've never criticized her before, and I wasnt' trying to now but I am so worried about her.

I feel like she is stuck in a bad pattern and if she doesn't stop, she'll get hurt bad or killed. I thought she would respect me enough to listen to me, but she seemed to blow it off and just say "You're being mean." instead of listening. Other people in her life are, I'm guessing, "Trying to be nice" and won't bring up this stuff, so I had to be the bad guy.

I felt like I had to say something or my best friend would kill herself, get into a serious physical fight with her bf, or do something really self destructive. At the least, I felt like she might take her bf back. So I felt like I HAD to say something. No one else did it. But instead of helping her, she's now upset with me and maybe our friendship is over.

Did I do the wrong thing? What should I do now? I don't think a true friend can only say positive things all the time and keep thier mouth shut while their freind is drowning.

Her response to me was basically, that I was trying to point out all her flaws and she only needs to hear positive things right now and I am really mean. I didn't even use the word "flaws" in my email, and I said a lot of positive things...but she didn't see them.

I just don't know what to do now.




Edited 7/3/2006 8:27 pm ET by bluerains

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 9:24pm

Hi Blue,


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 10:44am

TRIGS...I am angry, and this is an angry post!...TRIGS

Lori,

Thank you. Now I'm angry at her and I don't think I want to be her friend anymore if she would give me the cold shoulder over one email after 14 years of friendship. She has not contacted me since June 30. On Monday, I sent her four emails explaining why I said what I said- I tried to be caring but this time my anger also came out becuase I have feelings too. Since then, two days ago, I have not heard from her.

I can't believe she's doing this to me becuase her bf did the exact same thing to her- ignoring her, not answering her emails or calls- recently and it killed her, and I was her shoulder to cry on. She kept telling me that it was so mean of him and cold of him to ignore her. But just days later, she's doing the exact same thing to me.

Also, part of me is worried that she's tried to kill herself, gone back to him, gotten hurt, or done something crazy. And it makes me even madder at her becasue she's being manipulative- I said over and over in my 5 emails that I was worried she would kill herself or get hurt, and she is smart- she MUST know that I'm worried about her.

I finally called my oldest friend about this, I'll call her Jane. I've known Jane for about 15 years. Jane reasusurred me that I am a good friend, and if she was in my situation, she would have said something a lot sooner and not tried to be nice about it. So I do feel a little better because Jane is a tell it like it is person, who would have told me if I was mean to Amy. So if Amy is trying to manipulate me it's not going to work, becuase I have Jane, and one other good friend. If Amy doesn't value me as a friend, I'm ending our friendship. I have too much self respect to let a so called best friend treat me this way. And if I sound cold, it's not just this one incident that makes me feel so mad. Amy has not been a good friend to me for a year and a half- because she's been so wrapped up in her own problems- but I stuck with it becuase I thought deep down she cared about me. Now, I don't know.

I'm thinking of trying to contact Amy's mom and give her a suicide hotline number and also alert her to how dark a place Amy is in, but I don't know if it will help or make things worse. Amy's mom likes me, but Amy has also told her all the things she told me and it didn't set off alarm bells in her mom's head- so she might think I'm crazy and/or insulting her daughter. Do you think I should contact her mom, or not? And if I do, what should I say?

Thanks for your help Lori. I am really hurt and upset by this. I feel nauseous all the time, I lost my appetite and I have trouble sleeping.

You know what's ironic? I have tried to encourage Amy all along that if someone does nothing but hurt you, and they won't or can't change, after a few years of misery you have to protect yourself by cutting them out of your life. I NEVER expected to teach her by example by cutting her out of my life becuase she's turned into a toxic person to me as well...and the sad thing is, I don't think she'll even realize that I'm doing this becuase I practice what I preach.

You know why I'm so shocked by her reaction, Amy is really critical of other people- her bf, her mom, etc.- and is quick to analyze their faults. So I was sure that she would be open to analyzing her OWN behavior too. I mean, sometimes she is so harsh about her bf and other people that I cringe, so why is so she hypersensitive when it comes to herself? I NEVER thought she'd be such a hypocrite! I can't believe this Lori, I really can't.

To be fair, I have to admit that she's never criticized me outright, and up untill now I've never said anything to her about her own actions either. But I think everyone else is too scared of her to speak up, so after a year of waiting for her to change on her own, I decided to speak up. I held up a mirror and asked her to take a look. And evidently, she hated what she saw.




Edited 7/5/2006 11:04 am ET by bluerains
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 6:19pm

Hi Blue,


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 10:28am

Lori,

You are right, I am sad now! Also, a bit of guilt in their- if our friendship is over it's my fault.

I did email her mom, but I didn't mention suicide or anything confidential. All I said was "I haven't heard from Amy since June 30 and I'm worried about her. Could you let me know if she's OK?" She wrote back and said Amy is OK, which makes me feel a lot better. But she also told me that Amy's brother just had a new baby. This means it will be a lot easier for Amy to ignore and forget about me because she has a new distraction...she loves babies. She will probably be visiting with her brother's family for a long time, helping out, and be way too busy to even think about me.

You know what I'm worried about? What if she goes back to her bf, seeking comfort for what I said, and they bond over how mean and horrible I am. And then get back together. How ironic would that be?

I guess I just have to let it go and accept that it's over. I do think that anything I do now will only make things worse. I am sad becuase I thought our friendship was strong enough to be honest. And I keep re-reading my original email, and I bent over backwards to put things in a caring, gentle, non-confrontational way. I never expected her to react like this. I mean, we've been closer than sisters for 14 years! How could she blow me off so quickly, especially when I didn't do anything wrong! This is crazy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 1:28pm

Hi Blue,


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 9:15pm
Thank you for being there Lori... you help a lot...this is really hard. Next Thursday I start two new online classes (in MS Access and Excel) but until then I have too much time to think and worry...I am trying to stay busy though.
Avatar for alsmith32
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 12:39am
Ask her, if the situation were reversed, and she were you, wouldn't she have sent the same email? I ask that question to a lot of D.V. victims/survivors that I deal with and it gets them thinking.
Good luck.
True friends tell the truth.
Allie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 10:55am
Thank you Allie. I still haven't heard from her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 1:47pm

So true, Allie! It's sometimes difficult to tell the truth when we are worried about offending someone we love/care about or when we fear their rejection but if we are truly a friend, we will look out for their best interests in whatever way we are capable of and telling them the truth as we see it is one of them!


How are YOU doing these days, by the way? Hugs, Lori

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket 
Avatar for alsmith32
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 9:42pm
Hi Lori,
sorry to butt in on someone else's thread. I'm ok. I feel more cameraderie with this board than with depression support right now. I am still losing weight but I finally told my therapist (it's only been 5 months, I guess it was time to tell her right?) she was concerned and I think she will keep me honest on that. I feel more in control now than I did, I think partially because I've been successful at losing weight. I am getting lots of compliments which are kind of twisted for me because I know that i didn't lose weight in a healthy way. I am still within the BMI healthy range so it's not like I'm skin and bones or anything. In some areas of my life I am doing pretty well. It's just those dark corners that are still around.
Allie

Pages