Really scared...new
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| Mon, 07-10-2006 - 12:50am |
Hi,
I don't really belong here, but I did post a message here almost two years ago when my boyfriend comitted suicide. I figured that since this was the second anniversary, it wouldn't be so bad. I do normal things now, and have friends and enjoy my job even, and my children are a joy. But right now my kids are away visiting relatives, and I'm alone, and I feel bad. I can't seem to control what I think about. For the first year, thoughts of dying were all that allowed me to sleep at night, oddly enough. I took out a big life insurance policy, secured my will...and then felt free to have a terrible accident at any time. I used to just go to the subway station when I was very upset and feel the trains whoosh by, and it was comforting... I floated on that for the longest time. Now I'm just so alone, and I feel so unnecessay, and so guilty and so sorry....and it seems so fresh, like it was yesterday. Until I needed to remove a flower pot that hangs over my balcony. I stood there on that chair looking down and it was so powerful an urge to just let myself fall and just let go, like he were right there and I could go to him....It all made sense that my children were happier where they are, without me, and no one would ever call it suicide just a bad accident, and they'd have lots of money....sometimes, occasionally, children are better off without their mothers. and then someone at the pool yelled up for me to be careful...and I guess it startled me and I got down and it was over. But I'm just sitting here so all alone and I HATE it because I usually have so many kids around or I'm at work and I'm a nurse, so I'm not used to quiet....I just feel so stuck in my own head and I just can't talk to anyone. I'm just so tired of this...My head is so tired. I'm sorry just to babble, thank you for listening, maybe I can go to bed and try to sleep now. I just dread Wednesday so bad, I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to make it right.

Hi and welcome back....I'm glad you thought of us and remembered we are here for you!
Hi Wayning,
Time can heal but sometimes time isn't enough. Have you considered a grief support group? I agree with Lori that some form of professional grief counseling would help a lot. Have you tried journaling, writing it down on paper?
In the meantime if you feel desperate, I do think that staying busy is a good "for the meantime" solution- thought not a long term healing. If you start to feel that way, can you call someone to stay with you or you go and visit someone? How about going to a mall or somewhere that is busy, bright, with people and things to do.
Two years isn't that long when it comes to a broken heart but you can feel better and you will feel better. Just try to talk about it with people who will understand, you don't have to always be the strong one, you can ask people for help and look for support. You need and deserve that.