new, need help (trig)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
new, need help (trig)
27
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 9:11am
Hi everyone. I am new and unsure whether I am in the right place at all, but I felt the need to at least express what is happening to me and maybe get some help. First of all, I never had depression problems. In fact I used to be the world's most optimistic person. Up until 2 years that is. So, here I was in a city I loved, with wonderful friends, fell head over heels for what appeared to be the perfect man had the perfect job and just bought the perfect appartment. Then the aura changed. Within a month everything fell apart. Everything! People I cared about started dying, I was the victim of rape, which I think affected me more than anything, I got mugged and had an accident. My father was involved in a court battle and my mother was ill. Then my boyfriend instead of moving in with me in our new appartment abruptly left me (maybe it had something to do with the rape)only saying that he loved me but he can't be with me and then the final struck, my job was gone too and my friends had accused me of theft (the real culprit was discovered but it was too late)So that is when I first tried to end it. I was saved and saw a therapist but he did not help much and I was forced to go and live with my parents in a country I hate. I was miserable, crying all day every day, not eating at all and I did another attempt but this time I regretted it and called the doctor. The second therapist I saw did more damage than anything. His theory was that women are in essence responsible for rape because if they really want to avoid it they can (his example I believe was the animal kingdom) and he deducted that my problems are because of my weight problem (I am 55 kilos, no twiggy but certainly not overweight)So, he infuriated me to the point when I decided to be strong and get over it and never see him again. For a while it worked. I was not happy but I was not miserable the entire time. Now however it seems that evrything I have achieved has once again collapsed. I met two men during those two years and they both seemed to be head over hills with me but then suddenly (no fights no nugging nothing to trigger it) the air changes and they toss me aside. Especially the last one. it took me so long to trust him and he knew some intimate stuff about me and he swore he did not have any intention of hurting me and then for no reason at all he stopped calling. I got an apology for hurting my feelings but that hurt even more and I have to admit I am really not handling the situation very well, there is a lot of tension between us lately, but I am hurting. Not because of him but because once again bad things started to happen in a row. I think life is cheating on me, I think God is playing a very nasty game when he dangles right in front of me evrything I want to have, a good job (I deserve it! I was the best in the uni and speak four languages) the possibility of leaving this hell of a country only to let me know that I can't have any of it. Ok, right now I might have acted like a wounded animal with him but I honestly don't act problematic. Now I start to think that I am. Or cursed. Sure, some of those things I am responsible for but the most catastrophic ones I could not have predicted. I hate what I have become. I don't have a life. I do not like the country I live in. All my life is reduced to right now is sitting at home all day doing nothing other than watching tv and reading. I have no friends (another very painful chapter)and I know I need help but my family don't want me seeing a therapist. I have no money at all to do anything about it and there is nothing state organized that can offer me anything, not even a suicide line, I am all alone. I think I am going mad. I wake up and sleep with a huge knot in my stomach that won't go away. I jump every time the phone rings (usually I am right it is always some bad news) I am reaching my limits. All I wanted was a normal life it is not too much to ask for. I am thinking that if I can survive this period then maybe I can make a fresh start somewhere else but how can I survive. It seems evrything I touch falls to pieces and I am scared that maybe too much has happened and how can I possibly go on? What if this thing follows me? What if my life is going to be like that? How can I possibly trust anyone at all? What if I am provoking the reactions I do to people in the sexual context and that is scary. Any suggestions on how to start tackling all these things? Thanks for reading so far. I needed to get it out of my chest but I am scared I might not be able to take it anymore. Scared and tired.
thanks again

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 12:21pm

Hi Rosaura,

It does seem like bad things come in groups. And it can become an avalanche and you can feel buried, waiting for the rescue team that never comes.

I'm curious, how old were you when all this started? Becuase I think that the older we get, the odds of having tragidies increases- becasue you've lived longer. And our loved ones get older, so the odds of them dying (by natural causes or otherwise) increases. I think it's pretty common to have a happy or decent youth and then at a certain age, hit a rough spot (or a few years of rough spots.) Personally, I hit a rough spot at age 22, then was great for a few years, then hit anohter rough spot at age 25 and things are still rocky at age 27. So I wonder how it was for you.

What country are you in? How did you leave before, and can you do it again? The therapists in that country seem to be anti-women, and not much help. But are there any good points to your country, that you might not find in other places?

Finally, I think the past overwhelms you becuse you are looking at it all at once, and seeing all the bad things at once. That is too much to handle. If you could break it down and focus on one memory at a time, one tragedy at a time, it might seem more managable. Also, the past is the past and you live in the present. Try to live in the moment sometimes and make new memories, good memories, if you can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 1:31pm
hi bluerain and thanks so much for reading my long post. I will answer your questions. I am also 27 years old. It all started when I was 25. Life before that was pretty good. Great friends a killer degree and all the doors wide open. I don't really want to mention the country's name as I risk offending people from there. I am not from there. I am of irish origin and grew up in england. My cool former job was in Luxembourg and Brussels. My parents moved to the country for business reasons about five years ago and visiting was just fine but living there is an absolute nightmare. The mentality is unbelievable men are so sexist and women too hung up on men. I thought I could blend in but a year later I find it impossible. As for the deaths, I know you are right. It is true that the last three to go this year had lived their life. However, two years ago my first love died in a crash and he would have been 27 too...I only wish there was something I could do to pull myself out of this hole and be the person that I was but I am too afraid. Seems every time I fall in love disaster strikes in all areas of my life and I know I am paranoid but I am too afraid of what the future holds. Thanks again and hope you get over your rough patch soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 2:03pm

Remember that you still have that awesome degree- no one can take that away from you. And you have lived in some amazing places, no one can take that away either. Bad memories don't cancel out good ones, the good ones are still there to help you.

I visited London for a few days in college, and I loved it. We also went to Bath and Brighton. I also visited Verona, Italy for a few days in college, with a day trip to Venice, and loved that too. Like you, when I compare the amazing experiences in my past to the sad (pitiful?) reality of the present and past few years, it's so ironic.

I've also lost a few loved one in the past few years. It started at age 22 when my 23 year old best friend was killed by a drunk driver. That was horrible. Then over the next few years three of my grandparents, who I was very very close to, died of old age. It is really hard. I now have one grandma left, and I don't know how I can stand it when she dies of old age, because she is the last one. My grandparents were like parents to me, I spent half my childhood with them, and they gave me unconditional love. It's so hard to know I face the rest of my life without them.

Are you a British citizen, can you move back there? It seems like you don't feel at home where you are now. I also hate the city I live in now, and want to leave but I don't know where to go or how.

I hope I did'nt bring you down more, maybe it will help to know you're not alone though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 2:04pm

Hi Rosaura and welcome to the board. I'm glad you found us and also that you found the courage to share your story with us! I hope you will find the support here that you are looking for--it's a great bunch here and I hope you'll stay and get to know us!


I think Bluerains is right in terms of the odds---the longer we live, the more chances we have for bad to happen. But on the other side, the opposite holds true too! Good things will happen too if we stick around to wait for them. I guess I kind of feel like my own life has proven that to be true.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 2:38pm
Thanks, both of you! You are both so right! The good memories are still with me. I still have my degree and other than "the curse" there is no good reason why I am still out of a job. Onceachild, what an inspired mail. I can totally relate to what you were saying. It is such a brave thing to do taking your assailant to court. My assailant detsroyed me. He was very brutal and used drugs to dope me. I think this is when the thought was planted into me that I had been responsible and that I was damaged goods. I think the thought that men would see that I am only worthy of one thing was planted by that man even though ironically he wanted a relationship with me - after that he was the only one!!!! Can you see the source of my agony? When my big love left me I was shattered but could not blame him. Not everyone can handle something like that. But since my boyfriend I tried again first with a guy I was not crazy aboutbut thought would give me the affection I needed and then this recent guy who was everything I wanted. I thought it was probably my compensation for losing the big thing. I thought the curse had been lifted but then one day he went from calling and making plans to complete dissapearance and now things turned nasty. I still have the oddest sentiments for sex. I feel I am enjoying it but regret it immediately afterwards. I wish there was a way to get rid of the physical problems like the lack of energy but most of all this sense that I have in my stomach. It is excruciating to have to live in panic with flashbacks and shaky hands.
Will need some support
Love Rosaura
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 9:17pm

Hi Rosaura,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 7:39am
Hi Lori. I know so little about you and yet I feel I know so much. You either understand me so well because you have been there and I am terribly sorry for that, or you have a gift, or both. I see you have also been through hell and back and it makes me feel good to see that some people do get out of this cave. I miss my old self very much. I understand what you are saying about my assailant's manipulation. You see I have no doubt that what happened to me was rape. I know that he doped me because I found the pills into his pocket before rushing out and had it analysed. I only had one glass of wine and even in that dreamlike state I have memories, there was a struggle and definitely violence and of course a very clear no. He attempted to make me sound like I was mad, like I had dreamed the whole thing up. He actually called me pretending nothing bad had happened and asked me out on a date saying we would be great together. At the time immediately after the rape my then boyfriend was very supportive and we reported the incident to the police. He was arrested but when he was temporarily released he fled leaving me a nice little threatening letter that he will be back and we'll regret destroying his life. I have no idea what happened to him. Sorry I am still writing too much. My point is that the thought that since that night no man has wanted to stay with me after becoming intimate has totally freaked me out. It is helping me so much to get it all out but it is so much I have been keeping inside.
Thank you Lori you are an incredible woman
I hope that by sticking around here a few days will help me hang on
Rosaura
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 11:00am

Hi Rosaura,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 3:14pm
Hi Lori. Just saw the post. Thanks. I mean every word. From the little bit that I know, I know enough to deduct that life has been no pic nic for you and to see that despite everything you manage to be so composed is exactly the kind of hope that I need. I mean my life really sucks right now so all I have, literally is the hope that it is possible to change. Hell, I used to be so strong! I hate it when i am going through crisis like that. I think the power of writing stuff you have kept a secret for so long knowing that the people reading it will understand and won't judge you...that is just liberating. Just like you I have blocked all these events from my thoughts (my subconscious is a whole other matter, you know, the neightmares etc) that I think this is what is killing me right now. I searched further for numbers or associations that could help me not reach breaking point like last september, found some numbers and they are ALL out of service. I mean what kind of a country is that?????? I sware if I had any intention of staying on (which I emphatically do not) I would personally organize a rape centre. I am SURE women get raped and go through hell here like everywhere else. It is so unfair that people on crisis have absolutely nowhere to turn to. One of the numbers appears to be functioning in office hours so that might be something.... Anyway, I'll stick around until I have to meet my parents for the weekend (something I dread)it keeps me safe. I had no idea I had so many things inside me waiting to burst out. I think if you let me I would write and write for hours. How did it happen that made you come out? Was it too unbearable to keep it inside? Did you meet someone (like your therapist you mention) to help you get it out? I feel if I don't talk about it I will burst which is sooo weird considering my only concern had been to not even think about it...
So good to have found this place
I am in such a dark place and this keeps me a bit sane.
Thanks again
Rosaura
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 7:55pm

Hi Rosaura,


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