new, need help (trig)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
new, need help (trig)
27
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 9:11am
Hi everyone. I am new and unsure whether I am in the right place at all, but I felt the need to at least express what is happening to me and maybe get some help. First of all, I never had depression problems. In fact I used to be the world's most optimistic person. Up until 2 years that is. So, here I was in a city I loved, with wonderful friends, fell head over heels for what appeared to be the perfect man had the perfect job and just bought the perfect appartment. Then the aura changed. Within a month everything fell apart. Everything! People I cared about started dying, I was the victim of rape, which I think affected me more than anything, I got mugged and had an accident. My father was involved in a court battle and my mother was ill. Then my boyfriend instead of moving in with me in our new appartment abruptly left me (maybe it had something to do with the rape)only saying that he loved me but he can't be with me and then the final struck, my job was gone too and my friends had accused me of theft (the real culprit was discovered but it was too late)So that is when I first tried to end it. I was saved and saw a therapist but he did not help much and I was forced to go and live with my parents in a country I hate. I was miserable, crying all day every day, not eating at all and I did another attempt but this time I regretted it and called the doctor. The second therapist I saw did more damage than anything. His theory was that women are in essence responsible for rape because if they really want to avoid it they can (his example I believe was the animal kingdom) and he deducted that my problems are because of my weight problem (I am 55 kilos, no twiggy but certainly not overweight)So, he infuriated me to the point when I decided to be strong and get over it and never see him again. For a while it worked. I was not happy but I was not miserable the entire time. Now however it seems that evrything I have achieved has once again collapsed. I met two men during those two years and they both seemed to be head over hills with me but then suddenly (no fights no nugging nothing to trigger it) the air changes and they toss me aside. Especially the last one. it took me so long to trust him and he knew some intimate stuff about me and he swore he did not have any intention of hurting me and then for no reason at all he stopped calling. I got an apology for hurting my feelings but that hurt even more and I have to admit I am really not handling the situation very well, there is a lot of tension between us lately, but I am hurting. Not because of him but because once again bad things started to happen in a row. I think life is cheating on me, I think God is playing a very nasty game when he dangles right in front of me evrything I want to have, a good job (I deserve it! I was the best in the uni and speak four languages) the possibility of leaving this hell of a country only to let me know that I can't have any of it. Ok, right now I might have acted like a wounded animal with him but I honestly don't act problematic. Now I start to think that I am. Or cursed. Sure, some of those things I am responsible for but the most catastrophic ones I could not have predicted. I hate what I have become. I don't have a life. I do not like the country I live in. All my life is reduced to right now is sitting at home all day doing nothing other than watching tv and reading. I have no friends (another very painful chapter)and I know I need help but my family don't want me seeing a therapist. I have no money at all to do anything about it and there is nothing state organized that can offer me anything, not even a suicide line, I am all alone. I think I am going mad. I wake up and sleep with a huge knot in my stomach that won't go away. I jump every time the phone rings (usually I am right it is always some bad news) I am reaching my limits. All I wanted was a normal life it is not too much to ask for. I am thinking that if I can survive this period then maybe I can make a fresh start somewhere else but how can I survive. It seems evrything I touch falls to pieces and I am scared that maybe too much has happened and how can I possibly go on? What if this thing follows me? What if my life is going to be like that? How can I possibly trust anyone at all? What if I am provoking the reactions I do to people in the sexual context and that is scary. Any suggestions on how to start tackling all these things? Thanks for reading so far. I needed to get it out of my chest but I am scared I might not be able to take it anymore. Scared and tired.
thanks again
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 8:16am
Hi Lori, how are you today? I hope everyone on this board is safe and ok. I can't believe all this pain you have been through but I totally understand the feelings and I am thankful you found the help you needed to get over everything and become a strong person with so much compassion for others. It is such a great thing to have found this board. My two attempts were made right after two very similar crisis (same pattern of thoughts) and I knew this time I would probably be safer pouring my guts out on the net than alone with myself I guess now that I have started I realize just how much I have inside that I need to get off my chest.... I was really scared (still am)and it has been great I have found you. You see, I followed your advice and did a little bit of research. Trust me this country is unbelievable! 5 of the listed emergency hotlines don't even exist and finding the number of a women's shelter dealing with violence was a task. Anyway, I talked to this lady today, she was very very nice and totally understood me and my need to get help and she made an appointment for me with an english speaking psychologist on tuesday. I am terrified as this is the first time I go into therapy and the therapist knows upfront about the rape, so I am a bit embarassed, but I can not risk another attempt plus the girl who talked to me was so nice. Made me feel at ease. It was kind of like you, I was not sure what I was going to say when I called but I guess they are trained and she made it easier than it was. I think this place needs more support groups and definitely easier access to help for women. It was a nice thing to say that I could one day lend a helping hand. Hope one day I will be more composed and able to support people who have been through this nightmare.
thanks for everything
Rosaura
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 11:44am

Rosaura,

It's not something I talk about much on this board, but I was date raped at at age 18. What made it terrible for me was that I was a virgin and planning to wait until marraige...definately NOT what I got. And when I tried to tell people it backfired, they didn't believe me, becuase I guess most teenagers are sexually active and they just assuemed that I wanted to have sex too... I don't know, they were no help at all though.

Just like with you, the rapist wanted to still date me after that, and because I thought NO other guy would want me, I"m ashamed to say I did stay with him for awhile. He continued having sex with me, even though I didn't want it he emotionally pressured me and I didn't know how to stop him at that point. When I broke up with him he stalked me, and vandalized my school dorm with writing my name on the walls with "messages" to me- and guess what, I had to pay for the damage. And I was totally humiliated.

I also have went to various therapists over the years, and support groups. Some helped and some did not. Even though it changed me, (how could it not?) I am able to go on today and today it's the present that bothers me more than my past. I know I"m pretty wierd for feeling this way, because it doesn't seem to be the normal reaction, but I think if I can find happiness in the present I can say "F*&%" the past, it's over now and can't hurt me."

I have a lot of issues and troubles in the present, and maybe much of that comes from my being raped, I really can't know. But I do know that I'm still myself, even though I'm a different version of myself. I used to be SO naive and innocent...now I'm not. Oddly, I think I'm a lot stronger now too though. I used to trust everyone so naturally people would take advantage of that. Now I only trust people who earn my trust.

I really regret that my husband wasn't my first... sometimes I even felt guilty about that, if you can believe it. But deep down, I know the rape wasn't my fault. Even though TODAY I would have seen the red flags and warning signs, back then I was innocent and naive. But I'm sure that now I'd be much more likely to see red flags and so it's not likely to ever happen to me again, unless a stranger attacks me or I'm really unlucky again.

What I did wrong was to go alone with a stranger to an isolated place...becuase it was a date, I thought it was OK...no, it's NOT! But, there was no way for an 18 year old to realize that, so I don't blame myself now, but I did for awhile at the time.

You know, I just realized that I've never gotten the sympathy and the concern for this that I always needed and wanted. Maybe because my friends all see me as the strong one or something, becuase I hide it well or something, they didn't have much to say to comfort me about being raped ever. I never told my parents because I don't want to hurt them, and DH is a guy so he can never understand fully. Maybe that's why I HAD to be so strong, becuase no one let me lean on them- even though inside I was crying out for someone to save me. No one did, so I had to go on. I hope you can find someone better at giving support than I did...but even if you can't, know that it's possible to go on.

I don't know if sharing this helped or not, but I hope it did. Like I said, I don't post about this often because my main focus is to the present and future, not the past. But I had the feeling it might help you, so I did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 2:10pm
Hi bluerain!!!! I am really touched you chose to share this painful story with me. You know you were right! It helped a lot. It helped me see that I am not going insane and that this IS a normal reaction to go through when your body is violated like that. Especially in your case. It must have been so cruel to have people doubt you. My assailant also wanted to go out with me, acted like nothing bad had happened, like I was mad to suggest it was rape, like I was too drunk to remember and looking for a way to ease my shame.... I also doubted myself, my value as a woman and even right now, hey especially right now there is a good chance I have a pretty distorted image of sexual reality. Sex in itself is such a complex issue for me. I want it but at the same time it makes me feel unclean, like I can't shake him off. The ages long damaged good's theory. My head knows very well this is not true but every time things don't work out this is the first thing on my mind and it is enough to drive me insane. I am really sorry you never had the support you deserved about the rape. I don't know how anyone can see it as a trivial matter. Sure, my life is a mess right now but the most heartbreaking problem, the one that drove me to the attempts each time is the sexual and that stems directly from the rape and the way this person changed me. Maybe that is a start. I never saw the distinction before. Both my attempts were right after sexual rejection (ok more stuff was naturally involved) and none of them had anything to do with directly the person. This is powerful knowlege because for once now that it happened again and all those feelings overwhelm me I am here writing my heart out instead of doing something crazy. For once I read the signs right, that is something. As for being a strong person, you can be a strong person and still need support. Some things are just bigger than us. It is a real shame you can not confide in your husband but you know him better than anyone I guess. So, thank you once again for sharing and I hope I can return this support to you even though I hope you never really need it.
Love
Rosaura
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Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 2:14pm

Hi Rosaura,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 2:25pm

Hi Blue,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 2:41pm

Rosaura,

Yes, my rapist also said, "No, I didn't!" when I confronted him. I think he honestly believed that. He convinced himself that he didn't do it because he didn't want to see himself as a monster. But, I was screaming "No" and struggling with all my strenght, so he had to be somewhat insane to lie to himself that much. AND I had told him earlier that I was waiting for marrige to have sex- I think in a sick way, that turned him on (that is so sick!).

See how naive I was- I thought that if I told him that, he would respect it. But now I know that guys have a fantasy of having sex with a virgin so I would have never told a stranger that, even though the rapist did ask. And that was another red flag I missed- WHY would a guy ask me if I was a virgin before our first date? I wish I knew that wasn't good. God, I feel so dumb sometimes when I think about all the signs I missed- but that's innocence. See how easy it is to beat ourselves up and blame ourselves, even though we did nothing wrong. It's so easy to get caught up in that kind of thinking.

He was from a male dominant culture- he was a recent immigrant to the USA- and I'm pretty sure that had something to do with his seeing women as sex objects and expecting me to forgive him and want to be with him no matter what. He actually called my parents after I broke up with him and it sent chills down my spine that they didn't know the real him and thought he was a "nice young man." Luckily, he doesn't know where I live now.

I also had troubles with sexuality for a few years after. I had guilt issues and feeling used, dirty, etc. Then for awhile it was the opposite and I wanted to have sex all the time becuase somehow I felt like it was all I was good for or something. Maybe I somehow felt like that was the way to keep my boyfriend interested, but instead it hurt our relationship. Luckily I wasn't acting out too much, I was only with one man (my future DH) but it caused issues between us becuase HE wanted more than a sexual relationship, and I was scaring him away! He started to worry if I really loved him or just wanted him for sex- talk about an upsetting thing to hear, becuase I did love him with all my heart. I was so just mixed up about sex and love too. I think by now I'm more balanced, but it took awhile. At this point I do feel comfortable with sex, but I'd say it took a few years to get here. Sometimes I do need DH to hold me and reassure me. He tries to be there for me but he doesn't really know how to be supportive as much as I need and want.

Thanks for your support too Rosaura- I do need it, and I'm really glad this board has been here for me becuase sometimes it's the only support I can find.




Edited 7/14/2006 2:51 pm ET by bluerains
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 3:08pm

Thank you Lori,

It is hard for me to talk about it because most of the time when I tried, it backfired. For instance, in college I tried to talk about it in an essay for this professor I trusted. He encouraged the students to write about anything and be very open. He himself talked about sex all the time in class, so I thought he could handle it. Well, he was such a jerk...he wrote in the margin,

"Isn't it hypocritical that you say you never talk about this but yet you're telling me in this essay?" And then he went on to criticize the structure of my essay! What a cold jerk!

That was the last time I really tried to open up to someone. I think deep down I was hoping he would call me in for a meeting, be concerned, I don't know, care, but he certaintly did not. Oh yeah I think I got a poor grade for that essay too. That professor tried to come across as the student's friend, or else I would never have written something like that in an essay. But I guess he was after attention and not really interested in giving support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 3:34pm
Oh Blue!!!!! He KNEW! There is no way he could not have. Nomatter how badly you try to convince yourself of the opposite, yours was a clear cut case of rape. A clear no, clear resistance. He knew. What you said rings loads of bells though, about men from more male oriented cultures...I have a lot to say about that but I do not wish to be labelled a racist. Let's just say that I have heard the most incredibly vile theories about western women and how they should be treated. Even mediterranean (which is where I am) countries are sooo backward in that sense. This is why I know if I stay here I can never ever date again. Maybe it is true that not everyone is the same but the general mentality has failed to make me trust them. Plus I am foreign thus fair game. And I understand your feelings about sex so completely it scares me!!!!The part where you said that you went from not wanting it to somehow acting like this was the only thing you were good for (unless I am mistaken) This is exactly the way I am feeling right now. Dirty. Like this is the signal I send out to men since that day. I know it is crazy but this is exactly what has been pushing me over the edge. Honestly I had never been able to pinpoint it before. You are so lucky to have found a husband that loves you and cares for you unconditionally. I know it is difficult when someone that loves us is still not able to give us the kind of support we need. Same thing with my parents. I am sure they love me to bits but they are lousy at offering support. If anything they make matters worse in their frustration. But sometimes love itself is a big bonus regardless. And for what it is worth, I believe that your virginity was given to your husband anyway. Making love is the real deal and the first time around it was everything but that. HE was your first and only choice so you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Regrets can come for wrong choices but you were not given a choice. I am so proud of you for not letting the past determine your future. I wish one day I will be able to do the same. Be in touch. It is always great to hear from you. I mean face it, it has been three days or something and I have told you and Lori things I never told a soul! Gotta mean something!
Take care
Rosaura
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 11:04am

Thank you so much Rosaura,

It means a lot that you care. I do feel lucky that I met DH. We had some really rocky times and a lot of fights for the first few years. We broke up and got back together. He cancelled our wedding and I had a breakdown, I thought it was over. We later made up and eloped instead. Neither of our parents came because they thought we were making a big mistake and would break up soon. But our fifth anniversary is coming up this fall, and we still both love each other, so they're wrong so far...

For the past few years though, he's been getting therapy for his issues (it seems like everyone has them) and we also tried couples therapy for awhile. We both read a few realtionship books on how to get along. Now we still fight on occasion but are learning how to get along and have a healthy relationship. It never was easy like in romantic movies though, but I still feel very lucky to have him and I know you will find a good man who deserves you too. Who knows, maybe you are already friends with him or he may be a friend from your past that you don't realize yet...DH and I were friends for about 6 months before he got a crush on me, and I truly believe that that friendship is the one keystone that has held us together despite our many personality conflicts and problems.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 9:19am
Hi Blue! How was your weekend? How are you doing? It also means a lot to me to have that kind of mutual sharing even though we are miles apart. It is a great thing that you realize just how lucky you are to have a caring person next to you. As for the rocky start to your relationship, that happens too often. My mom and dad spent years being almost enemies, fighting all the time and then eloped. Thirty years later they are still very much in love and this is what matters. And for the record, those fairytale romances you see on tv do not exist or rather, they appear so perfect because we do not get to see what happens afterwards. Who knows, maybe cinderella and prince charming also had to go to couples counceling, only we'll never know because we only get to see what happens when "love conquers all" and guy finally gets girl, but thatis just the beginning, not the end of the story. From what you tell me, your husband is really making an effort to make things good for the two of you. I personally do not know many men who bother with relationship books unless he really really cares for you and wants to give you what you need. Everyone fights and every couple has its ups and downs. As you said, everyone has issues, we just try to hide them from the world but they are there and I am glad he is doing something about it. As for me, right now it is hard for me to imagine that I could one day be with a man in a normal relationship. I am too scared of trusting again. Even with my very recent ex, I was not looking for a relationship with him or anyone. I was minding my own business and at first I would not allow myself to find him attractive. He pursued me and after some months of dating, before things moved on I was frank with him about a lot of things why an intimate relationship made me so vulnerable and if he could not handle that fact it would be better to be just friends, but he appeared to be very sensitive to everything and gave me time, never pressured me at all and yet, when I trusted him, his interest in me lasted only a month before he dissapeared with no explanation and then things got really pear shaped. The same principle but slightly different facts aplly to two more men after the rape. My bf at the time and another one I met the following summer. I am sure you are right, I deserve someone to love me. I just don't see it is possible. I took the plunge after being hurt twice, now I am terrified of getting close to anyone plus men also don't seem to think of me as anything more than a sexual object. Maybe I am better off on my own. I can not physically survive another Peter. You are lucky Blue. You might have suffered a lot, perhaps you are still suffering and my heart goes out to you, but at least someone loves you and validates you as a woman. That has got to count for something. Do you have any children? They can also be a blessing, give you a reason to live. Anyway, let me know how you are doing. I will be around. Tomorrow is my therapist appointment and I am terrified. At least I seem to be a bit calmer than before.
Huge hugs for you and everyone else on the board (esp. Lori, what a life saver)
Rosaura