new, need help (trig)
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new, need help (trig)
| Wed, 07-12-2006 - 9:11am |
Hi everyone. I am new and unsure whether I am in the right place at all, but I felt the need to at least express what is happening to me and maybe get some help. First of all, I never had depression problems. In fact I used to be the world's most optimistic person. Up until 2 years that is. So, here I was in a city I loved, with wonderful friends, fell head over heels for what appeared to be the perfect man had the perfect job and just bought the perfect appartment. Then the aura changed. Within a month everything fell apart. Everything! People I cared about started dying, I was the victim of rape, which I think affected me more than anything, I got mugged and had an accident. My father was involved in a court battle and my mother was ill. Then my boyfriend instead of moving in with me in our new appartment abruptly left me (maybe it had something to do with the rape)only saying that he loved me but he can't be with me and then the final struck, my job was gone too and my friends had accused me of theft (the real culprit was discovered but it was too late)So that is when I first tried to end it. I was saved and saw a therapist but he did not help much and I was forced to go and live with my parents in a country I hate. I was miserable, crying all day every day, not eating at all and I did another attempt but this time I regretted it and called the doctor. The second therapist I saw did more damage than anything. His theory was that women are in essence responsible for rape because if they really want to avoid it they can (his example I believe was the animal kingdom) and he deducted that my problems are because of my weight problem (I am 55 kilos, no twiggy but certainly not overweight)So, he infuriated me to the point when I decided to be strong and get over it and never see him again. For a while it worked. I was not happy but I was not miserable the entire time. Now however it seems that evrything I have achieved has once again collapsed. I met two men during those two years and they both seemed to be head over hills with me but then suddenly (no fights no nugging nothing to trigger it) the air changes and they toss me aside. Especially the last one. it took me so long to trust him and he knew some intimate stuff about me and he swore he did not have any intention of hurting me and then for no reason at all he stopped calling. I got an apology for hurting my feelings but that hurt even more and I have to admit I am really not handling the situation very well, there is a lot of tension between us lately, but I am hurting. Not because of him but because once again bad things started to happen in a row. I think life is cheating on me, I think God is playing a very nasty game when he dangles right in front of me evrything I want to have, a good job (I deserve it! I was the best in the uni and speak four languages) the possibility of leaving this hell of a country only to let me know that I can't have any of it. Ok, right now I might have acted like a wounded animal with him but I honestly don't act problematic. Now I start to think that I am. Or cursed. Sure, some of those things I am responsible for but the most catastrophic ones I could not have predicted. I hate what I have become. I don't have a life. I do not like the country I live in. All my life is reduced to right now is sitting at home all day doing nothing other than watching tv and reading. I have no friends (another very painful chapter)and I know I need help but my family don't want me seeing a therapist. I have no money at all to do anything about it and there is nothing state organized that can offer me anything, not even a suicide line, I am all alone. I think I am going mad. I wake up and sleep with a huge knot in my stomach that won't go away. I jump every time the phone rings (usually I am right it is always some bad news) I am reaching my limits. All I wanted was a normal life it is not too much to ask for. I am thinking that if I can survive this period then maybe I can make a fresh start somewhere else but how can I survive. It seems evrything I touch falls to pieces and I am scared that maybe too much has happened and how can I possibly go on? What if this thing follows me? What if my life is going to be like that? How can I possibly trust anyone at all? What if I am provoking the reactions I do to people in the sexual context and that is scary. Any suggestions on how to start tackling all these things? Thanks for reading so far. I needed to get it out of my chest but I am scared I might not be able to take it anymore. Scared and tired.
thanks again
thanks again

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thanks for everything
Rosaura
Rosaura,
It's not something I talk about much on this board, but I was date raped at at age 18. What made it terrible for me was that I was a virgin and planning to wait until marraige...definately NOT what I got. And when I tried to tell people it backfired, they didn't believe me, becuase I guess most teenagers are sexually active and they just assuemed that I wanted to have sex too... I don't know, they were no help at all though.
Just like with you, the rapist wanted to still date me after that, and because I thought NO other guy would want me, I"m ashamed to say I did stay with him for awhile. He continued having sex with me, even though I didn't want it he emotionally pressured me and I didn't know how to stop him at that point. When I broke up with him he stalked me, and vandalized my school dorm with writing my name on the walls with "messages" to me- and guess what, I had to pay for the damage. And I was totally humiliated.
I also have went to various therapists over the years, and support groups. Some helped and some did not. Even though it changed me, (how could it not?) I am able to go on today and today it's the present that bothers me more than my past. I know I"m pretty wierd for feeling this way, because it doesn't seem to be the normal reaction, but I think if I can find happiness in the present I can say "F*&%" the past, it's over now and can't hurt me."
I have a lot of issues and troubles in the present, and maybe much of that comes from my being raped, I really can't know. But I do know that I'm still myself, even though I'm a different version of myself. I used to be SO naive and innocent...now I'm not. Oddly, I think I'm a lot stronger now too though. I used to trust everyone so naturally people would take advantage of that. Now I only trust people who earn my trust.
I really regret that my husband wasn't my first... sometimes I even felt guilty about that, if you can believe it. But deep down, I know the rape wasn't my fault. Even though TODAY I would have seen the red flags and warning signs, back then I was innocent and naive. But I'm sure that now I'd be much more likely to see red flags and so it's not likely to ever happen to me again, unless a stranger attacks me or I'm really unlucky again.
What I did wrong was to go alone with a stranger to an isolated place...becuase it was a date, I thought it was OK...no, it's NOT! But, there was no way for an 18 year old to realize that, so I don't blame myself now, but I did for awhile at the time.
You know, I just realized that I've never gotten the sympathy and the concern for this that I always needed and wanted. Maybe because my friends all see me as the strong one or something, becuase I hide it well or something, they didn't have much to say to comfort me about being raped ever. I never told my parents because I don't want to hurt them, and DH is a guy so he can never understand fully. Maybe that's why I HAD to be so strong, becuase no one let me lean on them- even though inside I was crying out for someone to save me. No one did, so I had to go on. I hope you can find someone better at giving support than I did...but even if you can't, know that it's possible to go on.
I don't know if sharing this helped or not, but I hope it did. Like I said, I don't post about this often because my main focus is to the present and future, not the past. But I had the feeling it might help you, so I did.
Love
Rosaura
Hi Rosaura,
Hi Blue,
Rosaura,
Yes, my rapist also said, "No, I didn't!" when I confronted him. I think he honestly believed that. He convinced himself that he didn't do it because he didn't want to see himself as a monster. But, I was screaming "No" and struggling with all my strenght, so he had to be somewhat insane to lie to himself that much. AND I had told him earlier that I was waiting for marrige to have sex- I think in a sick way, that turned him on (that is so sick!).
See how naive I was- I thought that if I told him that, he would respect it. But now I know that guys have a fantasy of having sex with a virgin so I would have never told a stranger that, even though the rapist did ask. And that was another red flag I missed- WHY would a guy ask me if I was a virgin before our first date? I wish I knew that wasn't good. God, I feel so dumb sometimes when I think about all the signs I missed- but that's innocence. See how easy it is to beat ourselves up and blame ourselves, even though we did nothing wrong. It's so easy to get caught up in that kind of thinking.
He was from a male dominant culture- he was a recent immigrant to the USA- and I'm pretty sure that had something to do with his seeing women as sex objects and expecting me to forgive him and want to be with him no matter what. He actually called my parents after I broke up with him and it sent chills down my spine that they didn't know the real him and thought he was a "nice young man." Luckily, he doesn't know where I live now.
I also had troubles with sexuality for a few years after. I had guilt issues and feeling used, dirty, etc. Then for awhile it was the opposite and I wanted to have sex all the time becuase somehow I felt like it was all I was good for or something. Maybe I somehow felt like that was the way to keep my boyfriend interested, but instead it hurt our relationship. Luckily I wasn't acting out too much, I was only with one man (my future DH) but it caused issues between us becuase HE wanted more than a sexual relationship, and I was scaring him away! He started to worry if I really loved him or just wanted him for sex- talk about an upsetting thing to hear, becuase I did love him with all my heart. I was so just mixed up about sex and love too. I think by now I'm more balanced, but it took awhile. At this point I do feel comfortable with sex, but I'd say it took a few years to get here. Sometimes I do need DH to hold me and reassure me. He tries to be there for me but he doesn't really know how to be supportive as much as I need and want.
Thanks for your support too Rosaura- I do need it, and I'm really glad this board has been here for me becuase sometimes it's the only support I can find.
Edited 7/14/2006 2:51 pm ET by bluerains
Thank you Lori,
It is hard for me to talk about it because most of the time when I tried, it backfired. For instance, in college I tried to talk about it in an essay for this professor I trusted. He encouraged the students to write about anything and be very open. He himself talked about sex all the time in class, so I thought he could handle it. Well, he was such a jerk...he wrote in the margin,
"Isn't it hypocritical that you say you never talk about this but yet you're telling me in this essay?" And then he went on to criticize the structure of my essay! What a cold jerk!
That was the last time I really tried to open up to someone. I think deep down I was hoping he would call me in for a meeting, be concerned, I don't know, care, but he certaintly did not. Oh yeah I think I got a poor grade for that essay too. That professor tried to come across as the student's friend, or else I would never have written something like that in an essay. But I guess he was after attention and not really interested in giving support.
Take care
Rosaura
Thank you so much Rosaura,
It means a lot that you care. I do feel lucky that I met DH. We had some really rocky times and a lot of fights for the first few years. We broke up and got back together. He cancelled our wedding and I had a breakdown, I thought it was over. We later made up and eloped instead. Neither of our parents came because they thought we were making a big mistake and would break up soon. But our fifth anniversary is coming up this fall, and we still both love each other, so they're wrong so far...
For the past few years though, he's been getting therapy for his issues (it seems like everyone has them) and we also tried couples therapy for awhile. We both read a few realtionship books on how to get along. Now we still fight on occasion but are learning how to get along and have a healthy relationship. It never was easy like in romantic movies though, but I still feel very lucky to have him and I know you will find a good man who deserves you too. Who knows, maybe you are already friends with him or he may be a friend from your past that you don't realize yet...DH and I were friends for about 6 months before he got a crush on me, and I truly believe that that friendship is the one keystone that has held us together despite our many personality conflicts and problems.
Huge hugs for you and everyone else on the board (esp. Lori, what a life saver)
Rosaura
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