new, need help (trig)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
new, need help (trig)
27
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 9:11am
Hi everyone. I am new and unsure whether I am in the right place at all, but I felt the need to at least express what is happening to me and maybe get some help. First of all, I never had depression problems. In fact I used to be the world's most optimistic person. Up until 2 years that is. So, here I was in a city I loved, with wonderful friends, fell head over heels for what appeared to be the perfect man had the perfect job and just bought the perfect appartment. Then the aura changed. Within a month everything fell apart. Everything! People I cared about started dying, I was the victim of rape, which I think affected me more than anything, I got mugged and had an accident. My father was involved in a court battle and my mother was ill. Then my boyfriend instead of moving in with me in our new appartment abruptly left me (maybe it had something to do with the rape)only saying that he loved me but he can't be with me and then the final struck, my job was gone too and my friends had accused me of theft (the real culprit was discovered but it was too late)So that is when I first tried to end it. I was saved and saw a therapist but he did not help much and I was forced to go and live with my parents in a country I hate. I was miserable, crying all day every day, not eating at all and I did another attempt but this time I regretted it and called the doctor. The second therapist I saw did more damage than anything. His theory was that women are in essence responsible for rape because if they really want to avoid it they can (his example I believe was the animal kingdom) and he deducted that my problems are because of my weight problem (I am 55 kilos, no twiggy but certainly not overweight)So, he infuriated me to the point when I decided to be strong and get over it and never see him again. For a while it worked. I was not happy but I was not miserable the entire time. Now however it seems that evrything I have achieved has once again collapsed. I met two men during those two years and they both seemed to be head over hills with me but then suddenly (no fights no nugging nothing to trigger it) the air changes and they toss me aside. Especially the last one. it took me so long to trust him and he knew some intimate stuff about me and he swore he did not have any intention of hurting me and then for no reason at all he stopped calling. I got an apology for hurting my feelings but that hurt even more and I have to admit I am really not handling the situation very well, there is a lot of tension between us lately, but I am hurting. Not because of him but because once again bad things started to happen in a row. I think life is cheating on me, I think God is playing a very nasty game when he dangles right in front of me evrything I want to have, a good job (I deserve it! I was the best in the uni and speak four languages) the possibility of leaving this hell of a country only to let me know that I can't have any of it. Ok, right now I might have acted like a wounded animal with him but I honestly don't act problematic. Now I start to think that I am. Or cursed. Sure, some of those things I am responsible for but the most catastrophic ones I could not have predicted. I hate what I have become. I don't have a life. I do not like the country I live in. All my life is reduced to right now is sitting at home all day doing nothing other than watching tv and reading. I have no friends (another very painful chapter)and I know I need help but my family don't want me seeing a therapist. I have no money at all to do anything about it and there is nothing state organized that can offer me anything, not even a suicide line, I am all alone. I think I am going mad. I wake up and sleep with a huge knot in my stomach that won't go away. I jump every time the phone rings (usually I am right it is always some bad news) I am reaching my limits. All I wanted was a normal life it is not too much to ask for. I am thinking that if I can survive this period then maybe I can make a fresh start somewhere else but how can I survive. It seems evrything I touch falls to pieces and I am scared that maybe too much has happened and how can I possibly go on? What if this thing follows me? What if my life is going to be like that? How can I possibly trust anyone at all? What if I am provoking the reactions I do to people in the sexual context and that is scary. Any suggestions on how to start tackling all these things? Thanks for reading so far. I needed to get it out of my chest but I am scared I might not be able to take it anymore. Scared and tired.
thanks again

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 12:46pm

Hi Rosaura,

Today is crazy- we have a water leak, I've spent all day on the phone trying to get someone to come. It's probably the AC, but how can I shut it off when it's 96 degrees and humid? On top of that carpet cleaners are coming, and we have to get everything off the floor. The water leak soaked most of DH's clothes and I'm worried about mold. I really don't feel like washing his entire wardrobe.

And tomarrow, DH is leaving for a week in the field- his annual training for the army- which means I have to handle all this alone because I won't be able to even call him or email him until he returns. I feel naseuous and sick and I think it's stress. I also have to go to work soon. (AND the AC at work doesn't really work so it's hot and humid there too.)

I don't have any kids, I think I have a long way to go before I'd be ready to have kids and be a decent parent. Also I think life is so hard I don't think I want to force someone else to come into the world and maybe have an even harder life than I do.

It sounds like your ex-bfs did care about you, but for some reason were not ready for a relationship at that point. Maybe they were immature or too young to commit, but I'm sure it was them, not you.

Now I have to go try and get DH's stuff out of the leaking closet, but it's so heavy I really don't think I can and it's getting ruined. Uggh, why is it always something?

Good luck with your therapy appt.- it is great that you are trying something new. I hope it helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 4:44pm
Dear blue. Wow, seems like you have a lot on your hands right now. Good luck with coping with them. I know that when you have your own issues to work out the last thing you need is distractions caused by things you can not normally be bothered with but need to be done. I feel exactly the same way. I also understand you being reluctant to have children. I have the same worries myself. I am sure you would make a good parent though. I mean you are offering me some pretty sound support and you don't even know me, that shows that you have a lot of love to give. As for my boyfriend caring about me... I am pretty sure now that this was never the case. The bf I had at the time of the rape I can partially understand. It was too much to handle and who wants to be with a bsaketcase, right? Plus, another man had had sex with me and that is simply a fact. Right or wrong this is what happened. If he had loved me enough he would be able to see that this was exactly the time when I needed him. Gosh I loved this man so very much. In a way I still love him. Second time around it was just my pride being hurt. I got involved with him because I wanted to feel normal again and for a while he provided just that, but the most recent one.... I had started to fall for him. I thought he was my reward for everything I had been through. He initially did not freak out by the rape and just when I took the plunge... well, he is 40 years old. If he is not mature he never will be. He is gorgeous, he could have had any woman he wanted. I told him that before we were ever intimate. Maybe I was a small victory to him, you know, the reluctant one, but he did not see me as anything worth keeping. Since the rape I had three lovers and they all rejected me for no apparent reason,believe me I have thought about it so much, whether I have done anything. All three of them told me that it had absolutely nothing to do with me. do I believe that? Do I deduct that i am doing things wrong? No idea. I know right now it is impossible for me to trust a man. Anyway, still babbling here. I guess I am also nervous about the appointment tomorrow. Let me know how you are doing and hope all this mess will not get on your nerves.
Love
Rosaura
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 9:42pm

I bet those guys aren't ready to settle down, because I'm sure it was them, not you. You have so much to offer when someone is lucky enough to find you...and deserve you.

I really hope the repair man shows up on time tomarrow and can fix my AC. I can't stand this heat, the weather report said "feels like 100 degrees" for today, and tomarrow will be the same. I feel sticky and awful.

Oh yeah today at work, someone returned a book with chewing gum on it and it was so hot the gum melted and somehow got all over my pants before I noticed. (I work at a library.) It was so gross...I hope I can get it off, I can't afford to buy more work clothes. It was so disgusting too. What a great day this is.

Good luck at your first appointment. It could be the start of something good...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 7:53am
My dearest Blue. I honestly hope that the worst your problems get is some chewing gum on your pants, irritating though it might be :-) As for the AC you have every right to vent about that. I hate the heat myself. Hope they fix it soon. As for me, got some interesting news for today, maybe I'll talk about that later on or tomorrow. I am still dreading going to the therapist but I think my crisis may be easing up by now and I have you (and everyone else) to thank for. Interesting thing, just got a mail from recently x. After all the bitterness between us he wrote a short mail out of the blue saying he actually understands my reactions, hopes that I am doing alright and, while he can't write much at the moment he will be writing properly soon, "hugs and kisses" he signed. Oh I so want to believe that there is some hope but I am too scared this is another famous occasion when something bad comes along disguised as something hopeful just to get my hopes up. I have no idea how to handle it, but I guess that is something I can talk about later. Right now I have got some housework to do before I had to go see the therapist, sigh! I will be posting an update.
Let me know how you are doing my dear!
Love
Rosaura
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 1:24pm

Hi Rosaura,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 1:56pm

That's really great. Not only that he was thinking about you, and the relationship, but that he is trying to stay in touch and see how you are. And also that he showed some understanding of how you felt. That must have been a really great surprise!

I do hope your first appt. today goes well!

I'm going to post an update on my life sometime soon. I have a lot to say.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 3:35pm
Hi blue. Great to hear from you again. I am curious about your update. I have not yet got the full story but I am interested in what goes on in your life. I hardly know you but you have been a friend right when I needed one. Tomorrow I will also post the update about the appointment (went well, surprisingly) and the surprise mail I received as I am still confused with that and could use some insight. See I don't want to get my hopes up only to have them crushed again. I hate to admit that but the lastest guy meant a lot to me, still does. But you are right. at least he was thinking about me and he was giving some thought to the reasons why I behaved the way I did (long story, will share sometime soon). Gee, I also have a lot to say! It is unbelievable! I had a good day and instead of being happy about it (don't get me wrong, I am actually happy about it) I am petrified it might be fate's trap for me again... Anyway, also, Lori, tomorrow I will tell you what happened with my appointment. Generally thinking it was a better experience than I thought it would be.
Blessings and love for both of you wonderful ladies! Will update tomorrow.
love
Rosaura

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