triggers... lost and can't find my way
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| Thu, 07-13-2006 - 11:24am |
Hi...
I've been slowly going through an emotional breakdown and feel so very alone. My story is kind of long, please bear with me. I did used to post here a while ago, and I was thinking that all would be well... but, no, they aren't.
I had severe PPD after my now 4 year old daughter was born. (I won't even get into what I think of Tom Cruise.) Well, the PPD eventually turned into severe depression/anxiety, and then I was diagnosed with PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder... imagine PMS times a million), and then, last winter, while I was going through an IOP (intensive outpatient program) based on DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy).
While in IOP I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Just what I wanted, another set of letters to define me. (PPD, PMDD, BPD)
During the IOP, I had to see another therapist and psychiatrist, I hated doing it, but I had to. However, after things got better they were able to send me back to MY therapist and psych.
Two weeks ago today, I had an appt with my therapist. If I knew that what was going to happen would happen, I would not have gone that day. The week before something had happened, I drove myself to the ER, and I was telling B about it. (B - therapist) Well, b/c of what had happened I ended up going back to my ED ways (bulimia) and my story really concerned B, and he gently said that he cannot see me anymore, I need to return to the other therapist. Well... thing is, what he meant is that he can NEVER see me again. That hit me like a ton of bricks. (I'm crying as I type this, as it is still killing me.) I told him NO, he can't do that to me... and I just cried and went into total panic mode. He told me that he could see me for two more sessions as a transitional thing, but then said that, no, it would be torture for me, so he took that back and said that I could see one of the other therapists there. I said NO WAY, that's not going to happen, I can't talk to anyone else but him.
I stood up, looked out his window and cried. Couldn't talk. Put my hand on his window and wanted to smash it. I have NEVER had THAT thought before, not smashing a window. I think he realized that I was thinking that, and he asked me what I was feeling... "I feel like I want to put my hand through the window." Oh goodness, I said it out loud.
B told me to sit down. I said that I was scared, he said that he was scared for me. He hated doing what he was doing, but said that it was his "ethical obligation"... blah blah blah. I wanted to scream SCREW ETHICAL.
He wanted me to get into see someone else, no way. I left. The next day I had to return to that place and see the psych... and it was excruciating as well. I didn't want anymore meds from her, I didn't want meds anymore period, I was frustrated with them. Oh, I should mention that I had been off of meds two weeks before this appt. (due to insurance not paying... and then due to my being frustrated)
I should be in B's office right now, for an 11:00AM appt. I am dying without him. I sometimes call his voice mail just to be able to hear his voice. I have sent a few emails on occasion, pleading with him to please take me back. (totally BPD thing here) It's not that I count on him to solve my problems, it's just that I need him ... to be safe, I guess. He and his office made me feel safe. I have seen him off and on since my miscarriage back in 2/98.
Last Thursday I broke down and called the other therapist. She and the psych I saw before were okay, i did like them, but they aren't B. So, anyway... I have an appt to see her on 8/16, and I have to call the psych's office today for an appt, b/c I need to get back on meds. Thing is, I don't want to deal with meds anymore, even though that's what I need. I'm afraid to start again, I tried quite a few meds already. They work, then after a while, they don't. I hate that. There should be a medication that will work and continue working.
Okay, so...
My husband and my two beautiful children are suffering b/c of me. I hate myself for it. I don't find anything enjoyable anymore, I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning. I do it b/c I have to, I have to take care of the kids.
I do feel like I don't want to go on, moreso than ever. I want B back so badly. I can't do this without him. My head is reeling, my heart is hurting. I cry way too much.


Hi Mano,
I can tell you're in a lot of pain, and I"m sorry. I sort of don't understand why B did that. Did he explain it to you?
Was it that he felt like he wasn't helping you, and he wanted you to have the best of care (even if it wasn't him)? I can sort of see that if he's been your therapist for years, and he feels like he hasn't helped you yet, maybe he thinks it would be better for you to try someone else. That kind of makes sense to me. But I wonder what the reasoning is.
I'm sure he didn't mean to reject you in any way. In fact, the opposite- it sounds like he cares about you and is trying to find you the best care. He doesn't want you to get hurt because he didn't listen to you when you told him how much you're hurting.
Actually, B did it because he was concerned that he wasn't able to give me the help that i really need right now. I didn't go into everything in my original post, sorry... it's still really painful to talk about it. He wants me to get more specialized care.
I'm aching over this. I really am.
It's been a hard day. I feel like I spiraled even more today, if that's possible. :(
Thanks for responding.
Hi V, (I remember your name but I want to respect your privacy while at the same time letting you know I remember you--does that make sense?)
I've often thought of you and your family and wondered how you were doing.... I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going well for you at all right now--but at the same time, it is good to know that for all this time you've felt well enough to handle things apparently. Give yourself a pat on the back for doing so well for a while and try and remember it will be that way again!
Lori, I remember you, too... thanks for the privacy thing, much appreciated. It hasn't been that long since we've "communicated".
I guess I don't need to explain the pain I'm feeling b/c of not seeing Bruce. This is absolutely killing me, it's been two weeks since that last session and I am still so upset. My logical side (as if I have one anymore) KNOWS that what he did he did b/c he cares... while the other side of me totally hates him for doing it and makes me feel so abandoned.
I still cry when I talk about it or post about it. I call his voicemail to hear his voice. OMG, just typing that makes me hurt. I NEED HIM, Lori. I really do. :(
I can't do this. I can't. I feel so dang alone. I don't want to talk to Marsha. I don't want to talk to Dr. G. I am supposed to be going to MY clinic and talking to MY therapist and pdoc.
They CLOSED my file there. I no longer exist. :(
V
Hi V.,
It's really hard to lose someone you care about. My best friend recently cut my off after 14 years of friendship. I felt (and still do feel) furious, and also heartbroken. Yes, it is a broken heart, as bad as breaking up with someone.
Hopefully though, you'll find an even better therapist- and I'll find a better (true) best friend.
I never lost a therapist because I always left therapy first, I never went longterm because it was too expensive, but I'm sure it's hard. Hopefully, you'll find another therapist who might be even more helpful than Bruce was.
Lori...
Today while driving somewhere I was stuck in traffic and the guy in the car in front of me looked like B. I started crying and panicking, I wanted to give B a call on my cell phone.
WHY IS IT SO DANG HARD?
I have called him, to hear his voice on the voice mail. I did leave a couple of messages here and there, not often, I know that I cannot do that. I have emailed him a few times. Not often, again... but dang it, I want him to respond just ONCE to let me know that he CARES.
I made a huge move today... really hard... went to the psych hospital ER in town... it's a good hospital with a wonderful reputation. I broke down and made the decision to go b/c I cannot do this anymore without meds. I have an appt on Monday with intake and will meet with a psych who will be able to prescribe something. So, soon I will have meds back in my system.
I am TRYING to find this to be something to rejoice about. But it's so hard... b/c all my thoughts are still going to... well... B.
But hey... I'm trying.
V
Hi V.,