hi, i'm new...triggers-need to vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
hi, i'm new...triggers-need to vent
9
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 9:09pm
hi, i'm Nita...i'm 44 and just a month ago i applied for disability due to bipolar II, severe depression, PTSD, anxiety, and fibromyalgia.
i never imagined i would ever reach the point in my life where i would be this ill.
i have always had a low level depression, ever since i was about 8. that's when my grandfather moved in with us and he wasn't a nice person. he repeatedly tried to molest me until i was 18, when i married just to get away.
i was so young and naive. at first, my husband was sweet. by the time we'd been married 3 months, i realized i had made a terrible mistake. he was becoming verbally abusive and treated me like a possession. he started staying out late after work and doing drugs and drinking. i became pregnant before i could get up the guts to leave. so, i stayed with him for 16 years, hoping things would get better with counselling, church,..you name it i tried it. every time i'd try to leave, he'd cry and beg. by the time our kids were 11 and 14, i had attemped suicide once and been in the hospital twice. the second time i was in the hospital, i left the state and was in a psych hospital closer to my parents home. the s.o.b. left my kids home alone and went hunting for a week. he did so many terrible things to us. of course, it was all my fault, according to him, because i was "crazy, lazy, unfit...." i could go on.
finally, in 1996, i left for good, taking my daughter to tennessee with me to live with my parents. i enrolled in college and was working. a part of my heart was ripped out when i got on the plane, leaving my 12 yr old son with his dad(his choice). i was so mentally ill by this time, i was a zombie.
i had been home for 5 months when my mother died suddenly. daddy died at home a month later. 3 months after that, my divorce went thru. my daughter decided she wanted to go back to alaska to be with her brother and dad. i was alone for the first time in my life, and that's when my brain totally tweaked. i became manic as well as depressed and it was bizarre. i already was experiencing fibromyalgia by this time, due to all the severe stress and traumas.
i moved back to alaska in 98, got married again in 99, and he died in 01.
i have been in the hospital twice since coming back up. now i have an additional diagnosis of borderline personality, and i have cut myself on many dark, suicidal nights.
last saturday was really bad. if i'd had a gun, i'd have used it. Jesus, i just don't know how much longer i can stand this. i can't seem to get stable on meds at all. i'm really sensitive to meds. i have tried so many over the last 10 years.
most of the antipsychotics just knock me out. i am getting to the point where i think,it would be better to be comatose than to to awake and aware of the demons in my mind.
i am really afraid of myself. i am afraid that one of these days, i'll just do it.
thanks for listening.
nita
i wish i could just shake this off, and get over all the traumas...maybe i am just weak and lazy
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 7:39pm

Hi Nita and welcome to the board....although I wish you were in a better place and that this board were not needed but in any case, I'm glad it's here!


You are not "weak and lazy," "unfit," "crazy" or any of those other labels people have tried to lay on you over the years! You have been through a lot of traumas at some critical times in your life and this has shaped who you've become. But that doesn't mean life can't be good and it SURELY doesn't mean YOU are not good!!!!


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 10:06am

I just wanted to say hi, Nita. I'm sorry you've had so many losses...I noticed you had a lot of loved ones die including a husband, which is very hard.

What is it like living in Alaska? Do you like it there? To me Alaska sounds exotic, exciting...I like to travel and explore.

At least being 44, you're probably about halfway done with this challenge that is life. I know that's not a PC thing to say, but it's what I believe. It might be some kind of consolation to you to look at it that way. You are halfway to the finish line. That is something.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 5:18pm
thanks for writing to me! alaska is a beautiful place. i can see mountains on 3 sides from my apartment and i live only 2 miles from a beautiful river where i can also see a glacier. but, its not a perfect place, even with all the wildness and beauty. where i live, there's alot of alcohol abuse and domestic violence. alot of people come up here to flee problems they have in the "lower 48 states".
and, the winters can be difficult for me, with my depression and other mental issues, because the days are so dark and cold.
i am trying so hard to be positive and stay connected with friends. i tend to really isolate when i'm depressed... it's like i can't even articulate what's wrong or can't think of a thing to say that makes any sense. i did manage to go to the store last night without having a panic attack. i cried a little when i got home, then a friend called and i went to visit her. that helped alot.
i agree with what you said about being halfway thru with my life. i was telling my friend that i have never felt that i belonged here on this earth, that i so desire to be in heaven. sometimes when i'm really desperate, i ask God to let me come home to Him.
today, i'm feeling ok. today's a good day. i hope yours is too!
take care,
nita
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 8:16am
Hi nitali and welcome to this board. I am also a newby over here and like you started posting during a period of deep deep crisis when I was deeply suicidal. I am sorry you have suffered so much during your life. It is totally normal to feel depressed when bad things happen to you. Also, moving from one place to the next can be something really stressful and the deaths can only ad to that. I am afraid that although things have been going better for me now (baby steps but still) I am still not out of the woods yet so I can not give any advice to you other than I think 41 is still very young and it will be a terrible shame if you write your life off. My aunt went to college in her fifties and she is now a licenced life coach. She made a brand new start and it paid off. It is never too late to put an order into things. Well, as I said it is easier said than done so the only thing I have to say is that I know exactly what it feels like to be suicidal. It is very real and very dangerous (been there done that) and you should be getting the proper care, attention and support. Just know this, you are not alone. This board has done me good and you will meet some pretty neat people. I know I found a lot of support here just at a time when I needed it....
Take care and let us know how you are doing.
Rosaura
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 9:13pm
Dear Rosaura,
thanks so much! i hope you are doing well today!
nita
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2005
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 11:24pm

Hi Nita, my name is Vida. I had tears in my eyes reading your post. I'm so sorry about all the things that you have experienced, my heart goes out to you.

I'm kind of quiet around here, don't pop in much. I used to post here months ago, then things were okay, and I just recently returned, due to some major difficulties that I couldn't handle... and still can't, but I'm chugging along somehow.

I'm glad that you found your way here. This is a very safe place. Please take care of yourself and keep on posting when you feel the need to.

V

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 10:04am

Hi Nita,

You're post really tugged on my heart strings. I want you to know that God has not abandoned you in your time of need. He will never give us more than we can handle. I used to get very angry at God and blamed Him for the things in my life that resulted in severe depression. I used to cut myself badly (sometimes to keep myself from doing worse to myself)and thought of myself as useless and disposable.

Thankfully, the right things were put in place in my life and I realized that God treasured me, even when no one else in the world did. I was "fearfully and wonderfully made" by God for a specific purpose. I want you to know that I was unsure at the time what that purpose was, until last night, 3 years after God delivered me from my self-destructive lifestyle. I went to a self-injury meeting at my church last night. We had a Dr. come in to educate leaders in the church about self-injury. Apparently it is becoming a problem (mostly youth) in our church. It was last night when I realized why 3 years ago I had gone through everything. The purpose was to gain first-hand insight into mental disorders and self-injury so I can help others and truely empathize what they are going through.

God has a purpose for your life as well. I'm sure it seems as though He left you behind along with everyone else a long time ago. That is so far from the truth. If you call out on Him, He will be there in your times of need. I am not some religious freak. I am just a terribly sad, and broken person who was redemmed by God. No meds, Dr.'s, couselors, or pyschiatists were able to do much for me, it was through God's grace alone that I am on this earth today. God took the mess I made of my life and turned it into something beautiful. I still struggle from time to time, but only when I try to do things on my own and forget to turn to Him.

You were not put on this earth for the sole purpose of just barely surviving until it's your time to go, as someone wrote to you. You do have a specific purpose. Maybe you will one day be able to help others who are going through the same thing. But my point is, don't limit yourself and where you may be used some day. You will get through this.

I hope this has been of some help to you. Take care.

Bethany

Allison 1/3/09
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 1:20pm
Hi Bethany and welcome to the board! Thank you for sharing your story and for offering support to Nita! Please feel free to post whenever you'd like! Hugs, Lori
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 3:10pm

nita,


Right off the bat, I can very much identify with you (among other diagnoses) I am bipolar, have an anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder (BPD),

Amanda