Silent treatment from best friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Silent treatment from best friend
4
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 11:16am

Well, I still haven't talked to ""Amy". As I posted before, I sent her an email about some worries I have about her and the choices she's making lately. She then sent me a very cold, brief reply. I then sent her four long, emotional, caring, explanations of why I wrote what I did, my thoughts, feelings, how much I care about her, etc.

I even got in touch with her mom to ask if she was OK. And her mom told her that I did, and that I was really worried and upset over not hearing from her.

Since then, she's only sent me one really brief email, over a week ago. It was a "just wanted to say hi" but it was pretty detached, like something you would send an aquaintance. Worst of all, she didn't even mention any of the things I had talked about, my feelings, or any of the issues I brought up, at all! I never replied to that because I don't know what to say to "hi" at this point.

I know it's partly pride that I'm not calling her, but partly it's that she's showing me how little she values my feelings and our friendship. Like I said before, she JUST got the silent treatment from her bf, and she told me it was the meanest and coldest thing you can do to someone. And then she turns around and does it to me?

I don't want to keep chasing her down. If four messages were not enough to get a decent response, I'm not going to keep contacting her again and again with no answer.

I know it may seem cold that I sent an email instead of saying it in person, but I have actually said these things to her on the phone several times over the past year. (We have a long distance friendship...9 hours apart...so I couldnt do it in person.) And she doesn't seem to listen. So I felt like if talking does not work, maybe writing it down will. Yes, it worked...to destroy our friendship.

I would never have done this to her or any of my friends. My god, my two other good friends have given me constructive criticism many times. If your best friend can't be honest with you, who can? And it's not like I just came out with this, I waited for two years for her to make changes on her own- and she didn't, she just keeps doing the same thing even though it always makes her unhappy. Yes, I agree that her bf is a cold jerk, but if she won't leave him, she'll never be happy and she's the one who chooses to go back to him over and over again. I don't know why she thinks this time he will make her happy when he has never done it before. I don't want to see her stuck in the same spot five or ten years from now. I mean, if your best friend doesn't notice you've been stuck in the same spot for two years, who will?

It's not me being judgemental. If she was with this jerk but she was happy, I would be happy with it, I wouldn't care. But she herself keeps telling me that she's unhappy, she wants to leave him, but....there's always a but. It's the same thing with the job issue. I've been job seeking for two years, I KNOW how hard it is to find a good job. I only work part time because I can't find a better job yet (despite trying very hard.)

So I would never judge her for being unemployed if she were really trying OR if she did'nt care about the money situation. But not only has she quit several decent jobs, she doesnt' really job seek and she is always really, really worried about money. And I know she always will be until she gets a job. I don't want her to stay in unhappy relationships just because she needs someone to support her.

It's like she's been stuck in quicksand for two years. And I tried to pull her out of it, and so have other people, and it didn't work. So I asked her to try to pull herself out, and now she's giving me the silent treatment.

It hurts a lot. I am really hurt by it. I know that if I called, she would probably eventually talk to me. But why should I be the one who always makes the effort? I need some effort from her part too, I need to see that she cares about me too. I can't stand one way relationships.

What makes me saddest is that I NEVER expected this from her- I thought we had a true, real, strong friendship that would last forever. I thought she was a loyal, true, best friend in the world to me. I can't believe I was wrong!




Edited 7/19/2006 11:30 am ET by bluerains
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 11:40am
Dear Blue. I just got online myself for an hour before I go visit a friend and saw your post. I will be posting my update after that. Anyway, I know just how much being brushed off by a friend hurts, especially when you are trying to help her out when she appears to be in need. The sad truth is though that people do not appreciate as a rule unsolicited help and boyfriend territory is the trickiest of all. He may be a complete jerk, she may be bashing him but you should generally avoid that and concentrate on her and offering help if she wants it. I understand your concern. One of my best uni friends got involved with drugs and gallant me tried to "help her out". I don't think I was judgemental or harsh, just concerned about what she was doing to herself. Needless to say, she never talked to me again and, like you it hurt. So, here there are various ways this thing can go. Maybe the friendhsip will be over, which is a terrible shame, but in life it does happen. People change and there is nothing anyone can do about that. Or, maybe she just needs time and she will come to you when she is good and ready. Or maybe you can talk to her face to face. It is much better as it leaves no room for misunderstandings. It should not be a matter of pride and I am sure if she has been such a close friend she will give you an hour of her time to hear you out. After all, you did not commit a hideous crime at all. If still you do not want to do this, and you prefer a mail, just write to her what you wish and explain that you respect her choices even if you do not always agree with them and tell her that you miss her and if and when she is ready you will be happy to welcome her back into your life. I honestly hope that in the end things will go your way. I can see it is really hurting you and besides Amy must be mad not to want a friend like you.
Let me know what happens
I'll get back to my update now
Rosaura
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 1:37pm

Hi Dear Blue,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 2:03pm

Thank you Rosaura and Lori,

This does hurt a lot. I've almost called a few times but I was too mad to say anything "nice", and Amy doesnt' seem willing hear any "not-nice" feelings, so I didn't call. It's just unbelievable what people will do...

She could have said anything to me and I would have never checked out on her like this. I can't believe how easily she is letting our frienship go...

If she made any effort at all, it would be enough for me. All she had to do was open up to me. But she did nothing, did not even try, and so even if she comes back to me now and is finally ready to talk, I don't think I can see her as my best friend again after the way she handled this.

I will always care about her and will probably eventually forgive her, but I don't respect her now and I've seen some things about her character that I can never forget. You don't check out on your best friend, you don't ignore your best friend when she tells you she is crying over worry for you and your friendship. At least, I don't, and I don't want someone in my life who is capable of that. Loyalty is more than just a word.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 3:50pm
So, Blue, I felt I had to add some things to this thread. First of all I know exactly how much it can hurt getting the silent treatment from a person you consider your best friend and you are absolutely right that an one sided relationship is not what you should settle for. I want to share a little story with you (actually that was also one of the things that pushed me too far into this crisis). As you know, I have moved into a country where I feel I do not fit in at all. Still, I made an efort to meet new people which kind of backfired but anyway, I met this girl, let's call her Yasmeen. She became a very close friend for pretty much all the time I have been living here so it is not like we have been best friends forever like you and Amy but still, close enough. Anyway, she had problems it turns out. She was drinking way too much and got involved with a married older guy who was making her literally sick and, surprise surprise he broke her heart! I can't tell you how many times I had to console her while she was sobbing her heart out and being really out of it. I even realized that she was drunk in the morning but unlike you I did not confront her (perhaps I should have) but I only discussed it with mutual friends who agreed she needed help but didn't know what to do about it and once I believe I gently told her thaat she should take it easy with the booze but nothing too judgemental. Long story short, since christmas, I have been calling and calling to see how she is and not a word back from her, not a phonecall, nothing at all. Complete and total break. It hurt like hell. As you said there is only a number of times I can call and since she gave me absoltely no sign that she cared I gave up. Apparently, her ways landed her in the hospital and while I was sorry i must admit I still didn't reach out to her. Call me a bad person but at the time I felt she had clearly demonstrated she did not need or want me in her life (and there were sooo many lies....as I said long story), plus I also needed support and she had her own issues. I don't blame her for that but I did kind of lose the trust. Anyway, now she is back on the scene, saw her yesterday. The issue was not broached but when we had to walk a steep road and I was in my heels, she reached out and held me so that I would not fall and then we shared a cab. I am still upset but I do realize that I am not the only one with issues here. Sure, her behavior hurt me, but I have come to realize that I have no way of knowing what she has been through. I still don't trust her, things are cold between us, but the start has been made. Some people find it hard to come out and explain, or apologize and instead they show you what they feel a different way. Bottom line, I agree with Lori. I also believe that Amy will be back into your life. Just give her time. Do not blindly forget everything that happened but at least keep an open mind when she reaches out to you and then you'll be the judge of how to proceed. People have their own crosses to bear. If you guys were as tight, chances are she has not forgotten either. Maybe she is as troubled as my friend and it seems like you also need time to cool (you said you were too mad to say anything nice) so that when she realizes what happened you will be ready, not to forget, but at least to hear her out. And if none of this happens, don't be too sad. True friendship is more important than long term friendship and you are better off knowing who your real friends are sooner rather than later. I honestly hope things work out the way you want them
Love
Rosaura