I'm in a bad way........Trigs

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
I'm in a bad way........Trigs
8
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 5:39pm

I'm not sure exactly what I'm doing here, but I guess I'm looking for ways to get rid of the thoughts I've been having. I'm diagnosed bipolar and have been battling a depressive episode for 3 days now and it's getting worse. My thoughts revolve around 2 things..........cutting and od'ing on my meds. If I call my pdoc or my tdoc they'll tell me to go to the hospital, or forceably have me put there and I can't do that. I have 3 children, currently 2 are away for a week, but the one that is still home needs me here. I just want the thoughts to stop before I act on them. Does anyone have any suggestions? Please help.


Maui

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 7:35pm

Hi Maui and welcome to the board! I'm glad you found us! I also have experienced depression and self destructive/suicidal urges and behaviors in the past and I just want you to know you CAN get past this!


Do you have any idea what triggered the depressive episode? Sometimes if we can identify something specific, then working on that issue helps alleviate the feelings. Other times we are at a loss as to why and we just focus on "damage control." I sense the latter is where you are at right now...


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 8:54pm

Hi Mauimomma,

When I have obsessive thoughts the only thing that works is either:

1. Riding it out- letting the thoughts come, but I decide I wont' act on them.
2. Distracting myself- staying busy in any way possible.
3. Being social- talking to someone, either about my feelings or usually something else- being alone is the worst thing for obsessive thoughts.

It's good that you've come here, this is one way to stay busy and communicate at the same time. But if you need to leave the house and go visit someone, then do it. And if you can burn off the physcical energy in a healthy way, that would be good too. I try to go for a hike if I can, with someone if possible.

Right now I'm feeling very sad and I know it's too strong for me to overcome this by distraction so I'm just riding it out. Sad music and thougths keep going through my head. I did as much as I could to stay busy but it's always in the background. Like a theme song to my life!




Edited 7/24/2006 8:57 pm ET by bluerains
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 9:49pm

Thank you Lori. I think what set me off was when my 2 kids went away for the week. I'm not used to having them gone. That plus my meds are out of wack. I'm trying to fight the urges as best I can. I tried doing something physical earlier today by cutting some branches that had fallen during a storm. Not only was that a bad idea on my part, I didn't have the energy to last more than 15 minutes. I just have no motivation to do anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 10:31am

Hi Maui,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 6:32pm
Hi maui and welcome to the board! you will find that this is a place frequented by pretty unique ladies. Blue and Lori in particular have been so very kind to me when I was in REALLY deep trouble! As I do not have kids I can not relate to your feelings when it comes to not having them around but I can certainly relate to suicidla tendencies when harming yourself is the only thing on your mind. I have two attempts under my belt and what you have described in your original post is exactly the way I felt when I stumbled upon this board. What I can tell you is that Lori is absolutely right. Usually there is a very specific trigger that pushes you over the edge and finding out exactly what it is like is half way there. Both ladies had pretty good practical advice for you. Use these boards to remind yourself that you are not alone. there are people who know where you are coming from and are willing to hear you out even if they never met you. They DO care. And you CAN escape this. I have ben writing like mad the past week or two. Journaling or posting. Made me realize a lot of things, like one day I want to use my profession to help other women who have been raped (I am a lawyer) or that one day I could even publish some of my photographs or write a book. Now, there must be things you always said you were going to do. If I had been successful when I wanted out I could never do any of this stuff. Life can be a misery and your pain can and is without doubt harsh and VERY real but it does not have to be like that always. Stick around to find out what can happen. You have children, you have created life! That is pretty amazing. Can't think of a better reason to stay around than watching them grow, make their own lives knowing that you have made this happen. Hope it helped a bit and hope you feel better soon.
Vent here any time! It helps
Love
Rosaura
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 9:38am

Wow Rosaura,

I didn't know that you're a lawyer and a photographer, that's really interesting. And something to be proud of- you're so young and already have accomplished so much! The world can definatley use more caring lawyers, like you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 3:14pm

Thanks Bluerains. I'm holding on and keeping in touch with my tdoc. I'm also going to post here. I appreciate the

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 3:22pm

Rosaura thank you for welcoming me to this board. I spoke with my 2 children last night which helped fill the emptiness within. I just want to have them back home with me. It's difficult to explain, but there's a void within me every day and then with them gone that void gets bigger. That's why I made sure to be open and honest with my tdoc and why I called my pdoc when my tdoc handed me her phone and said "call". My kids are about all I have to live for. At least until I finish school. But I've got to get stable between now and then to be able to put my education to use. I'm going for a bachelor's of social work. But if I'm unstable who's going to want me to treat them? So right now that seems pretty bleak, so my kids are my main focus. Thanks again for welcoming me.


Maui