Had moment of weakness yesterday...

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Registered: 02-19-2005
Had moment of weakness yesterday...
6
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 12:50pm

Took my daughter out to run a couple of errands. On the way home, I used my cell phone to call my ex-therapist... B... the one I really really want to see and talk to again. Well, originally I just meant to only listen to his voice mail... but I ended up leaving a message. My voice started shaking, of course, and I just wanted to cry to him to take me back, but I didn't. I basically told him that I'm hanging in there (barely, at times) and that I am starting with the PMDD phase, and that I'm so used to calling him to let him know about it, so I had to call. I don't have anyone else to call about it, as I won't see M until 8/16... blah blah blah. I ended with "I really hope that someday I could talk to him again... and that he will be able to acknowledge me again."

OUCH. I hung up and cried.

Vida

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Registered: 03-09-2005
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 1:09pm

I acted the same way when my fiance broke up with me.

(Trigs below!!)

I lost all control, you wouldn't believe it. I punched walls, tried to jump out the window (in front of him), and kept calling him and crying, and getting angry, and begging him to come back. I banged my head into the wall (again, in front of him), and tried to suffocate myself. (Not in front of him, but I called and told him about it.) He hung up on me...it just drove him away more. It was the worst feeling in the world though, I have never been more in agony. I have never been more out of control.

It sounds like you love B...not saying romantically, but the way your'e reacting is pretty intense. Would you agree with that? What role did B play in your life..father figure, friend, other? Clearly it was a major role.

How my story ended was this: It turned out that my fiance still loved me but the way I was acting (emotional and dramatic) drove him away! Not only the way I acted after the breakup, but before it too. I still think he was a coward and I still resent what he did, but I had to admit I wasn't acting great either. And this is the result...after I had calmed down and not contacted him for some time, after I stopped asking him to come back for some time, after I gave up, he invited me to move in with him! Becuase he didnt feel pressuered anymore. And soon after, we got married.

I have to add that...I did learn my lesson. I have never gone out of control to that extent again, since our marriage. Not even close. I have never hit walls or tried to hurt myself in front of DH again. I never again tried to kill myself and told him about it later. I know if I did, it would ruin our marraige. And it's hard to admit these things...I feel ashamed...I'm just glad I stopped.

Now, it's going to be very different with a therapist. But some things are similar. I understand that you're only calling and leaving a polite message, you're not crazy like I was. But I still think that every phone call you make, is another nail in the coffin of your relationship...becuase he probably sees it as pressure. And I'm wondering if inside you feel like I did, and you're just hiding it better. Nothing could have stopped me at that point, so I know how you feel, but just try to step back and find a safe way to let out that agony before you self destruct like I did.




Edited 7/31/2006 1:17 pm ET by bluerains
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Registered: 02-19-2005
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 1:36pm

No, I don't love B. Never did. He was just my therapist. I had been seeing him for quite some time, and he was my safety zone.

When he had to tell me that he couldn't be my therapist anymore, yes, I was torn up. (my borderline personality disorder came out at the time)

It's easier now... but at times it's hard. I haven't seen a therapist for over a month. I'm scheduled to see one on the 16th, like I mentioned before. She's okay... I've seen her before. But she isn't B. I actually don't want to see her, and I am hoping that I can see her for just a couple of sessions and then just see a pdoc from then on, just for the med checks.

I'm really sorry about what you experienced. (((HUGS))).

Vida

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Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 5:50pm

Hi Vida,


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Registered: 02-19-2005
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 11:50pm

Hi Lori...

You do make sense, I totally understand. I'm just still in denial or something, I guess. :(

I was doing some thinking for the past couple of days, and, well... hear me out. I am thinking of possibly seeing Marsha for only a few sessions, maybe 4-5... and then just seeing the psych for meds. I just don't want to talk to M, I really don't... I will be too uncomfortable. (No, going to another therapist instead isn't an idea... I would feel the same.) Thing is, she is going to ask, again, about what happened with B, and I just don't want to go there. I still cry when I talk about it. It's better to just keep it in. I realize that that's not the way to go about things, but avoidance in this case is best for me. I mean, I just want to talk to B, and since I can't, really, I don't want to talk to someone else. They can't actually do anything more for me, anyway, especially with the PMDD. I don't want to talk anymore.

That sounds horrible, doesn't it? I just don't want to talk to professionals anymore about my emotional distress. If I have to, I would call the crisis line or something. Post here... post on the PMDD board.

I don't know anymore. I don't know what to do.

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Avatar for alsmith32
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 7:39am
Hi,
Just wanted to add my support, I too had a "breakup" with a therapist, I had seen him (figures it's a "him" too) for over 2 years and then he "suggested" we end, I suspect partly because I owed him a lot of money (which I am proud to say I did totally pay off bit by bit), but partly because he didn't think I was gaining anything. I agreed to this but after we were done, I felt similar to you, I thought about him every day, had imaginary conversations with him, and was basically obsessing over it for months, had more panic attacks and finally saw a psych who prescribed meds for me immediately, said she was very concerned about me, I saw the therapist she worked with for a couple sessions (a woman, interestingly), but it just wasn't the same, so I quit going there but I did take the meds for about 6 months and then I was better. That was about 11 years ago and I did fairly ok since then until my depression kicked back in with a vengeance about 6 months ago, I am in therapy now (with a woman!) and love her she is terrific, much better than the original guy. I have shared things with her and gone places inside my head that I never explored with him, in fact I think that's partly why I became so despondant and my depression got so bad this time, because I am working on things that I never did before. Which I think in the long run will end up making me stronger. So, that's my story, hope that helps you to see that you can survive this, get through it, there will be better things ahead. In my opinion, having a male therapist does bring out issues that having a female therapist doesn't, and my current therapist suggested that perhaps I felt abandoned by him, which I think maybe I did. I know you don't want to talk about it with another "professional" but honestly that might be the best thing, to work through these feelings and maybe peel back another layer (with help) and see if there are some other things going on. Best wishes to you, I really feel for you.
Allie
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Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 2:36pm

Hi Vida,


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