I'm miserable

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
I'm miserable
7
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 10:17pm
I don't want to get up in the morning, get dressed, cook, eat, go outside, exercise(usually work out 6 times/wk)....take care of myself. Basically, I've given up. Recently, I lost my job(my teaching contract wasn't renewed), my relationship....he severed all ties because he has to work on himself and overcome an addiction I wasn't aware he had, broke out in a rash all over my body either from stress or the heat, my hair is coming out and my friends have given up on me:( One more paycheck and I'm without money. I have no retirement benefits and am losing my health insurance. My self-esteem is at an all-time low....I'm 53 years old and age discrimination is always prevalent. I'd like to go to sleep and not wake up.
Lee
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 12:53pm

Lee,

That is a double blow, losing a job and bf at once. My husband has an addiction and I didn't realize it until years later...addicts are good at hiding it and pretending to be OK. Even though it hurts, I think it says a lot that he's trying to work on himself, instead of hiding it from you until you find out when he self destructs. It is hell to live with and love an addict so I actually think you've gotten the lesser of two evils, unbelievable as that may seem to you.

I'm job seeking too, and know how it is. I must say your friends have given up awful quickly! Don't give up on yourself Lee.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 5:38pm

Hi Lee and welcome to the board--although I wish you weren't feeling so badly I AM glad you found us!


As I said to another "newbie" in an earlier post, you are exhibiting all the classic signs of depression....the not wanting to get out of bed, wanting to withdraw from life, lack of interest in everyday activities , etc. In your case, it sounds as if the depression was triggered by loss (I'm not authorized to diagnose here so this is just an educated opinion, okay?)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 6:08pm
Thank you for your reply. I know it's not my fault that he has an addiction. It was something that occurred before I met him. However, my confidence has been shattered with regard to my former job. It has left me questioning whether or not I can hold a job for longer than a year. This has happpened to me five times in the last few years. I'm extremely critical of myself and it hasn't helped to have everyone else criticize me as well. I'm not cooking for myself, usually I enjoy cooking and eating healthy. My personal hygiene has diminished too, usually I take pride in my appearance. Nothing seems to matter to me:( I'm very disgusted with myself, but can't seem to get back on track. I keep thinking I should have been able to stop my downhill spiral before it went this far.
Thanks,
Lee
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 7:37pm
Thank you, Lori. I appreciate all of your good suggestions. On August 7th, I have an appointment to see a counselor. She's an intern, who has experience counseling people with alcohol and drug addictions. This internship will allow her to go into a different area of counseling. I agree that my depression was probably triggered by loss(es.)As far as public assistance goes, I received food stamps briefly a couple of years ago. However, I was humiliated each time I went to the grocery store. My confidence in myself is at an all-time low. All of my education, knowledge of the workplace, ability to take care of myself, etc. don't matter to me at the present time. Do you have any ideas on how I can motivate myself to "pick up the pieces, shake myself off and start all over again?" I've let my healthy diet, exercise, my skin, my body, my apt., and everything else go to h_ _ _.
Thank you,
Lee
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 1:50pm

Hi Lee,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 9:00pm

Lori:
Thank you again for taking the time to respond to my post.
Baby steps....you're right I am overwhelmed by all of the things that I've neglected, including myself. Tomorrow, I'm going to try to go to a spinning class at the Rec. Center I belong to. One of the problems I have too, is the fact that I'm very outgoing and friendly when I'm not depressed. I have lots of acquaintances(I met them through classes), esp. at the Rec. Center and now I have to face them in the condition I'm in:( Also the guy who called off our relationship goes there too. My plan is to get back into the routine of going each day again. I just wish that I hadn't wasted the last month becoming so depressed:(....gives me another excuse to beat myself up over it.
As far as, the counselor goes. Her speciality was alcohol and drug addictions, but she changing her focus. However, I don't plan on focusing on his problem. Although if he were to reinitiate a relationship with me in the future. I'd need to become aware of/involved in the work he's been doing on himself. One of the last comments he made to me was that he hoped "I would get well for Lee."
Thank you,
Lee

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:07pm

Hi Lee,


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