New and very depressed

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
New and very depressed
5
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 4:40am

I'm 44yo. My childhood was filled with sexual, physical, psychological, and verbal abuse by many, many adults. I think the only thing that saved me from having MPD was my fortune to be with my maternal grandparents and get some normality and safety there.

At 17yo, I married G. G and I were married for 20 years if you include the last two years which were separation and trial time. We have five children. (I also lost one singleton mid-pregnancy and one of my twins mid-pregnancy.) They are ds 26yo, dd 24yo, ds 22yo, dd 20yo, and ds 18yo today. :) I also have grandchildren. They are all terribly screwed up. I know that a lot of that falls on my shoulders. I was depressed the entire time they were growing up. That causes children so many problems. And then I didn't leave my x as soon as I should have. I understand all the reasons why I didn't; it doesn't make it any better for the kids.

I met my dh just as G and I were separating 8+ years ago. We got married 6 years ago. Due to circumstances that we could not change, we lived long distance for the first almost five years. Two years ago Sept., we were finally able to move in together. A year later, on Oct. 29, 2005, I found out that during the entire year of 2002, he had been having a fling with his high school sweetheart, an emotional affair. The first time he wrote her to tell her that he loved her, he was in love with her, and would always love her was on the day that our first granddaughter was born. He called me and my children a burden and responsibility over and over during that year. It did end, but I still don't really know who ended it.

That day,10-29-05, shattered my world. It shattered my dreams. It shattered and marred every memory I have of the last 8 years. It's not the same and never will be. To top it off, what it has been determined to be is that he did this due to my having had overwhelming depression and not having my meds right for several months that year.

It took my four months of nagging to get him to go to counseling to start with and then only because I finally made an appt and said we're going. Then, we went three times. Tax season hit. He's an accountant. No time for counseling. Understandable. No counseling since then. He says he's willing to go again, but he thinks we should be able to work it out between us. Then he asks me how to fix it. Like I know???!!! That's why I want the counseling. DUH But then he tells me how little time he has. True, but I guess that puts me in my place.

When we were living apart, we talked a minumum of one and a half hours a day. That's a LOT compared to the average couple who have, what is it?, 15 minutes a day? Now, we talk about 15 minutes a week. He works at home. I work at home. We don't talk much during working hours. At 5 or 6, he'll talk to me about dinner. Whoever is cooking will do so. When dinner's ready, the TV goes on. We watch TV until 11:30, then go to bed. On one day of the weekend, he takes the day off. We will go somewhere, even if only to run errands, about once every other or every third weekend for one day. If we have the money and he's in the mood, he'll pop a Cialis, and we'll have sex. That happens every second or third weekend, too.

I am angry all of the time. I am seriously depressed all of the time. Meds don't touch the depression. It's situational. I know that. OMG! I just don't know where to go from here. I don't have medical insurance. That doesn't make it easier. We get the counseling at a sliding fee scale place. Can't afford more of that. I don't want to get suicidal. If I do, this time, I'm going to the hospital. I have fought that due to custody issues even when I should have been admitted in the last 8 years. Now, that's not an issue.

I just hurt so bad.

Steph

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 2:14pm

Hi Steph and welcome to the board! I'm glad you found us--although I feel badly that you are going through all of this!


Sometimes, we are in such a dark dismal place that we can see no light at the end of the tunnel--or very little. It sounds like you are at that place now--and although you say you don't want to become suicidal, my fear is that if YOU don't take action (don't wait for hubby if he's not willing) then it will only get worse!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 4:41pm
You've given me a lot to think about. I'll respond later, but wanted to let you know I have read your post and appreciate your thoughts. I'll be back.
Steph

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Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 10:47pm

Yeah, some people say

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2005
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 11:02pm

Hi Steph...

My name is Vida... I don't post here too often, and I haven't really been able to offer much support, but I wanted to let you know that I am so sorry about what you have been going through.

Please don't blame yourself by saying that you "screwed" up your kids, your family. I did a lot of self-blaming as well, and I still do at times, but it's not the thing to do... b/c it's NOT true.

My depression started with a very severe case of post partum depression after my now 4 year old daughter was born. She was born with a cleft lip and palate, so that added a lot more to my plate. I started by blaming myself for her cleft. (I couldn't take prenatal vitamins b/c I was so ill while pg with her... I had to take Tylenol a few times because of really high temps... I threw up a lot... ) It took a LOT of time to finally realize that I didn't cause her cleft. (BTW, she is a beauty :) Always was.)

Anyway... A couple of years ago... a bit longer, actually, I was diagnosed with PMDD... that would be premenstrual dysphoric disorder. It's like PMS times a million. Then, last winter, I was dx'd with borderline personality disorder.

So, that's my hx...
I'm glad that you found this place, it's a safe place to share your feelings. Please, if you ever feel really desperate, come here and post. Call a friend. Keep going to counseling. I know that it's expensive, I'm sorry that you have no insurance. Do whatever you can to keep going, though, b/c you are worth it.

V

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 4:23am

I also had post partum depression with four of my kids and post partum psychosis with the middle one. It's terrifying to think that I was almost one of those moms who kill their own children because of PPPsychosis and not being medicated, but I was. It was very, very close several times. TG I was finally hospitalized. I did breastfeed my ds even though it was really, really bad to do so with the meds I was on. I did so and was allowed to do so because it was the only reason I could give myself to keep me from killing myself. Fortunately, it didn't seem to affect him too much as he has the highest IQ of all of my kids. I also suffer from PMDD. Did you know that if you have PPD, you are at much higher risk of having Bipolar Disorder (usually Type II if you don't have full blown mania)? If you have PPP, you are almost certainly Bipolar.

I'll be around.

Steph

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