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| Mon, 08-07-2006 - 8:39pm |
Is there a "crying" Icon?
The good news is, my best friend contacted me again.
The bad news is, she moved....10 hours away...without letting me know or giving me a chance to see her before she left. Even though I had asked her two or three times not to leave without seeing me...before we got into a fight. How could she do this to me?
We haven't seen each other in a few years. She was at her mom's, just a few hours away, for a visit when she got into a fight with her bf. We had agreed more than once that even if her bf begged her to come back, she wouldn't leave without seeing me...and now I found out she left WITHOUT EVEN TELLING ME SHE WAS GOING TO GO! That is almost unforgivalbe. That had to be deliberate cruelty, since I had told her again and again to please not go before we got together.
And part two of the bad news...her and her bf are back together. I guess they live happily ever after, and she has him back now so she doesn't need me. I wasted my breath in the first place- becasue obviously, nothing I said had any impact...she ran back to him the minute he got a new job... even though he had been treating her so horribly she was in agony for at least a month previous...and that was not the first time!
Now she sent me an "I miss you" ecard. I called her and left a message, then she emailed me and told me the news...that she moved without letting me know, and she's back with her bf again, and I'm even more upset than I was before. How long will it be before they get into another horrible fight again? Who will she turn to then, because our friendship has been damaged beyond repair. I do hope that this time will be different and they will be happy, but I hope it was worth it to her to run back to him again and throw me away in the process.

A couple thoughts ... I would guess your friend didn't tell you because she knew she was getting back with her bf and she also knew that you would call her out on it, and she knows in her heart that you are RIGHT, so she doesn't want to face the music and her own weakness. Sometimes it's hard to face the truth. Especially when we kind of know it IS the truth. But we don't want to hear it. Anyway, that's my guess. Sounds like she is having some issues of her own and you should try not to take it so hard. Maybe this is the time to try to reach out to another friend and reconnect? I know it's got to be difficult for you to feel rejected, I know how you feel because I have experienced similar feelings with friends who leave me out of stuff sometimes. It is a sad feeling and I wonder if they don't like me for some reason, but I suppose it's really about THEM not about me.
Wish me luck, I have my appt with psych today regarding my meds, I am just trying not to think about it because I don't think there are any other good options for meds for me so if wellbutrin isn't working then I feel like I have failed and I won't be able to be happy again.
Allie
Ouch. I can understanding your being upset with this friend.
I really don't know what to say. She was obviously nervous about telling you that she got back with her bf and felt that an email to you after the fact was the easy way out. I'm really sorry that she did that to you.
I'm sorry that she went back to the bf. That's a relationship that will forever be rocky, I'm sure. You can't do anymore than you already have.
HUGS
Thank you Allie and V,
Last night I tried again to call, and left a message. This morning I sent her one last email explaining everything again- how I didn't mean to criticize her, and how much I wanted to see her before she moved. How much I'm hurting. I wrote a really long email, and now I think I need to let it go because anything else is just going to make it worse. I still can't believe she did this.
I do hope that this time he makes her happy. I just want her to have that happy ending...with or without me.
Hi Blue,
Lori,
(Triggers!)
I always value your thoughts. This post is emotional but NOT because (or directed at) you...I'm upset but not with you...
I guess I'm feeling like, maybe she is mentally unwell but it comes across (or feels to me) like she's selfish, thoughtless, and self centered!
"It is natural to want to intervene but if you "trash" him, in her eyes YOU become yet another person she may be less likely to go to when she is finally ready to leave!"
Woops... it's too late for this since I've already criticized him a lot...I also feel like, I would actually resent it if she ignored me the whole time while she was "happy" with him (according to her) but then came to me when she wanted to leave him...that's not friendship... does that make me a horrible person?
I did get some training in domestic violence. I volunteered for a bit at a battered woman's shelter and we had to get training first. But that made me even more upset that she didn't listen to my warnings because I saw the signs and honestly, it's not just him. SHE is being abusive to him to! It is just an unhealthy relationship all around. I really wanted to pull her out of it BEFORE it escalated to this point, never mind gets even worse...and I could have, if she just listened to me! Although I know it's classical to do that, and ignore the signs, I guess I thought that Amy was different and would "see it" a lot sooner! Even if she didn't see it, I hoped she would trust me enought to take my word for it.
I am a forgiving person so eventually I probably will forgive her. But right now, I am so hurt and tired of this and just sickened by the whole thing. I guess I feel...yeah she is going through stuff but so am I, and that isn't a passport to be totally self centered and thoughtless, because other people have feelings and needs to! This world would be so messed up if everyone who suffered thought their needs were the only things that mattered... it just doesn't work that way! Just because you suffer, does not give you the right to make your loved ones suffer even more! That is my philosophy at least.
Remember, it took me two years of "being there" for her and not judging, and biting my tongue about their relationship, to come to this point. I think I waited long enough and longer than I would expect someone to put up with me if it were the other way around!
"She may go back and then leave this guy time and time again (the average is 7 times before they are able to leave for good I am told)."
Hmmm, I think they broke up at least twice already and were threatening to do it at least three other times...so I guess she's going to be with him for a long, long time.
I know it sounds childish, but I feel like she chose him over me and loves him more than she loves me... and part of me feels like, "Fine, you want him so bad, I give up, do whatever you want, just leave me out of it and don't come crying to me when it all falls apart AGAIN." I am really at that point.
Even though I know according to the classical abuse situation, it's normal for them to do this, that doesn't make it lovable, caring, or loving behavior, does it? If she drives everyone away, and then is lonely and has no one to turn to when she's desperate, what does she expect? She has to be responsible for her life on some level. She has to give if she expects to take. I can't keep picking up the pieces and getting nothing in return, I just can't.
Lori, I'm not trying to argue with you (although Dh says I always come across that way.) I'm glad you gave me your honest thoughts. I dont' exactly disagree with what you said. I just don't react to it in a "Oh then that's OK then, she can put a knife in my heart just becuase she's suffering and just because abuse victims tend to do that" way. I'm not a saint! (I hope you're not disappointed in me.)
Edited 8/9/2006 10:42 am ET by bluerains
Oh Blue, of course I'm not disappointed in you, hon! To be disappointed in YOU would mean on some level I'd have the right to judge you--and I don't and I'm not! Yes, at times we are ALL disappointed but I think it is the situations in many cases. In this instance, I'm disappointed also that "Amy" went back---but not particularly surprised I have to say!
Your reactions are totally normal! It's gotta hurt to have watched this develop as long as you have and then finally to try and intervene only to end up feeling like "the bad guy." If "Amy" is half the friend you thought she was all this time (and she must be or you wouldn't have befriended her in the first place!) then I think somewhere deep inside, she will understand--if she doesn't already, that truly you have her best interests at heart.
I think that either she was to stressed to have time to see you or she could put herself together to do it just le her come around in her own time or if you hve her email send her one sometimes it is easier to talk like this than in person
Thank you Celeste.
We have emailed each other a few more times. I did call again to apologize on her voice mail. But we are not on the same page at all. We disagree completely about the whole situation. She says "no relationship is perfect" which is true, but I know a lot of couples that are a lot happier than her and her bf. She seems to think that their relationship is normal! I guess she doesn't have any positive relationship role models? Or is just in denial. Or she is lying to herself and me.
The only option I can see is to agree to disagree, if we can even get to that point.